020619. hoseok & jimin.

[lovestrippedbare]

WINTER.
February 6, 2019.

WHO hoseok & jimin
WHAT confessions

WHERE hoseok's apartment
TIMELINE cycle 1

JIMIN It doesn’t feel right going to Hoseok’s apartment empty-handed even if Hoseok had asked him to come, had even promised to share some of his food (that Jimin has no intention of actually eating unless Hoseok insists, which he likely will.)

So he’d grabbed a single bottle of Sprite, one he doubts his parents will even miss, and hopped on the first bus and, thirty minutes later, he’s knocking on Hoseok’s door. It’s just a light touch, just enough to make his presence known, before letting himself in so that Hoseok doesn’t have to worry about stumbling his way on his busted ankle.

“Hey,” he says, smiling quietly as he peeks his head in first then steps inside.



HOSEOK Hoseok knows it’s stupid, to let himself get into a mindset like this while all of his friends are away, busy with their families, celebrating. Of course that’s why his feelings take this turn again, where he feels like he has to do something to prove he still exists, that people care about his existence. Even if it’s only strangers.

Spending Seollal in the hospital is so much less lonely than doing it alone in his apartment. The nurses spoil him with treats, he gets to watch some of the kids in the pediatrics unit play games with each other from his wheelchair, and even when he goes to bed he has the noises in the hall to keep him company, to help him feel less alone.

And Jin-hyung comes to see him too, brings him snacks, spends some time with him, just him. He’s mostly managed to squash his crush since Jin and Namjoon started dating, but he still feels a little thrill when Jin focuses his attention on him. Jin is such a caring, wonderful person, always so selfless and kind. Hoseok doesn’t think anyone could blame him for falling for someone like that, even knowing how ridiculously out of his league Jin is.

Namjoon comes to help him get home the next day. The hospital won’t release him without someone to accompany him home, needs a guardian to come and listen to the discharge orders, to make sure he doesn’t fall on his crutches with all the painkillers in his system. Hoseok’s so grateful for Namjoon’s help, pretending to be Hoseok’s older brother and dutifully listening to the nurse’s instructions, helping him navigate the halls and then the train on his crutches, getting him settled in his bed. He even stays for a little while, and again Hoseok feels so happy and lucky, getting to spend some time alone with one of his best friends.

It’s been hard in the last two months. Progressively over that time all of his close friends have coupled off, leaving only him single. And he’s happy for all of them, so happy, but he’s also so lonely. Living on his own is hard enough, but now he’s on the outside of the group even more than he’s ever been. His friends still make time for him, but obviously it’s different now.

And he’s jealous. He’ll admit that to himself. As much as he’s glad they’re all so happy together, he wants that too. He wants it so much.

After Namjoon leaves, he falls asleep, takes a long nap, waking up around sunset. He has a text from Jimin waiting for him and he tells Jimin to come over whenever he’s ready, excited to see another one of his friends. He struggles his way out of bed to heat up the food Jungkook brought by a couple days ago (courtesy of Jungkook’s mom), then carries it precariously back over to the bed.

He sets himself up with some ice for his ankle (propped on a pillow, one of the many gifted to him by Jungkook’s mom) and all the food he’s heated up, two bottles of water, two sets of chopsticks. Whatever Jimin said in his text, Hoseok is going to share his food. It’s stupid, but Seollal is about family, and eating this meal with Jimin is the closest he’s going to get to experiencing that.

He scrolls through his phone as he waits for Jimin to arrive, smiling up at the door when he hears the knock, sees Jimin slip into the apartment.

“Hey,” he greets cheerfully, giving Jimin a wave. “Sorry for not coming to let you in,” he adds even though he hasn’t had to let Jimin into his apartment since the day he moved in.



JIMIN “Why would you need to?” Jimin replies with a quiet laugh as he closes the door behind him and quickly toes out of his shoes. He slips his backpack and coat off next, draping it over the arm of the couch before taking the few steps toward the bed where Hoseok is currently sitting with his leg propped on a pillow. He looks fairly comfortable, at least, all set up with food, phone in his hand though it only makes Jimin more upset that he couldn’t have gotten here soon, that he couldn’t have spent the holiday with one of the most important people in his life.

Remembering the Sprite, Jimin runs back to grab it from his bag, bringing it over and sitting cross-legged on the floor next to Hoseok. “Brought something to drink,” he says, waving the bottle at him. “I know it’s not much, but I thought something sweet could be nice.”



HOSEOK “Oh, thank you,” Hoseok says with a grin. It’s only one bottle of Sprite that they’ll split between them, but Hoseok loves it, and it’s so thoughtful of Jimin to bring him something in addition to coming all the way over here after a long day just to see him.

But then Jimin sits down on the floor, and Hoseok looks over the edge at him. “Why are you sitting down there?” he asks, resting on his elbow so he can lean down closer. “I left space for you up here,” he adds, reaching back to pat the mattress at his side. His bed isn’t that big, but it’s more than big enough for them to sit side by side.



JIMIN It’s true, there’s plenty of space on the bed. Jimin had only sat on the floor so he could better face Hoseok and also so he wouldn’t risk jostling Hoseok’s perfect little nest or hurting his ankle even worse in the process.

But he definitely can’t turn such a blatant invitation so he only flashes a grin as he gets to his feet and twists open the cap on the Sprite. He hands Hoseok the bottle before walking around to the other side of the bed so he can crawl in, careful to not disturb the weight balance too much and eventually sitting with his legs crossed, half facing Hoseok.

“Did Jungkook’s mom make all this?” he asks then, nodding down at the array of food between them. He doesn’t miss the extra set up chopsticks, but doesn’t take them.



HOSEOK Hoseok takes the bottle from Jimin and holds it as Jimin moves to join him on the bed, climbing in carefully. He feels instantly more relaxed once Jimin’s sitting near to him, feels so fond at the way Jimin arranges himself, taking extra care to be gentle with his movements to not rock the mattress beneath Hoseok.

“She did,” Hoseok replies, reaching to grab one set of chopsticks, offering them to Jimin and not moving until Jimin takes them. Then he picks up a set himself. “Jungkook said that he thinks she wanted to invite me over, a couple nights ago,” he explains, remembering the conversation he’d had with Jungkook about it. “But it was a family thing, obviously. Still, it was so nice of her to send food over. She’s always so sweet to me.”

He feels guilty as he says it, reminding himself that people do care for him, that he still wasn’t able to fight off the urge to make people pay attention. It’s been months since the last time he did something like this, long enough that he thought maybe he was getting better.



JIMIN Quietly, Jimin takes the chopsticks, but he only holds them in his hands for now as he smiles down at the food. There's a good amount of it and it all looks amazing. The guilt in his own stomach twists sharply though he does his best to fight it. Even if he could have offered Hoseok some of his family's food, he hadn't made any of it himself and he'd been stuck in Busan anyway.

Still, he can't help but think he should have tried harder.

"Why can't there be more of her?" he asks with a soft huff of a laugh finally slipping the chopsticks into the crook of his hand and reaching over to poke at some of the noodles. "Even when my mom cooks, it's never anything like this. She never has time for this kind of stuff."



HOSEOK “I know, right?” Hoseok replies brightly, smiling when Jimin finally goes for some food. Now that Jimin’s eating Hoseok digs in himself, picking up a dumpling with his chopsticks and biting off a large piece, humming at the taste.

“She’s such a good cook too,” he remarks as he chews, swallowing happily. “I never had food this good before I met Jungkook.” He finishes off the dumpling in another bite, savoring the flavor. “Jin-hyung’s good too,” he adds. “I need him to teach me some recipes sometime.”

The conversation is light, smalltalk, and for now Hoseok’s glad. He feels heavy on the inside, despite the way he sounds when he speaks. Talking about mothers, about home cooked food, it always tugs at a deep seated jealousy. It doesn’t help to know that his friends’ families are broken, that even though they have something he’s always wanted, it’s not the soft, comforting version that lives in Hoseok’s daydreams. And there’s a dark part of him that almost wonders if having a parent who hit him, who neglected him most of the time would be better than not having one at all.

He knows it’s not true. Still, it makes that jealousy feel like guilt. He wishes all of them could have the fantasy family he holds in his heart, that Yoongi’s mother was still alive and his father vibrant and caring, that Taehyung’s mother was still around too, his father kind and doting, that Jungkook’s dad hadn’t passed away and left his mother to accept whatever she was offered, that Seokjin’s parents would be proud and loving of their amazing son, that Namjoon’s dad’s health wasn’t failing and putting a burden on the rest of them. That Jimin’s parents would see how kind and beautiful their son has become, that they would shower him in the love and attention he deserves.

Maybe Hoseok is actually the luckiest of all of them.

“How was Busan?” he asks then, carefully dipping a spoon into the container of tteokguk, leaning over it as much as he can with his legs propped up as he slurps the soup.



JIMIN Not for the first time, Jimin finds himself wondering what kind of food Hoseok had gotten in the orphanage, whether the people in charge there had ever had time to make anything special or if Hoseok had gotten the same sort of stuff over and over. Given his excitement over the food in front of him, not to mention the food Jin hyung makes them from time to time, he thinks he already knows the answer to that.

It makes his chest hurt thinking about it, makes him wonder how different things would be if Hoseok's mom hadn't just given up.

For now, though, he shoves it down, trying for a smile as he shrugs and reaches to take a dumpling for himself. "Fine," he says because it feels like the closest answer to the truth. "I got to see some of my cousins so that was kind of fun." He doesn't mention overhearing his mother talking with his grandmother in hushed tones, doesn't mention the looks he'd gotten from his aunts and uncles, the thinly veiled judgment when he'd mentioned his dancing and his less than stellar grades.

He glances up then, blowing on his dumpling before popping it into his mouth and saying, with no exaggeration at all, "I woul' ha' ra'er 'een here."



HOSEOK Hoseok laughs softly when Jimin speaks, mouth full of dumpling. “I’d wish you’d been here too,” he says, and not really because he thinks maybe he wouldn’t have taken those pills and gone out and hurt himself, but more because he just likes having the people he loves around, likes having Jimin around, because Jimin’s family are terrible people and Hoseok would have treated Jimin so much better. Even with as little as he can offer, he would have at least given Jimin support and love.

“I’m glad you’re here now,” he says, grabbing another dumpling with his chopsticks. “I hate living here by myself,” he admits lowly before filling his mouth. He doesn’t hate being out of the orphanage, but he’s so lonely here, and even though most of his friends would be happier outside of their current living situations, he just hates being alone.



JIMIN “Me too,” Jimin says, finding it easier to form words once he’s swallowed at least some of the dumpling, licking some of the sauce from his bottom lip. Then clarifies, “I mean, I’m glad I’m here now and also hate that you’re here alone.”

He reaches to take another dumpling then, dipping it into the sauce and cupping his hand beneath before carefully leaning to offer it to Hoseok.

“I think a lot about like, after,” he says, trying not to stare too long at Hoseok’s mouth. “You know, after school. When we can all go and do our own thing. But sometimes I think my parents wouldn’t care much if I just moved out before graduating.” He goes quiet then, shrugging self-consciously. “I don’t know what would happen then but I have a lot of weird thoughts, I guess. Dumb thoughts.”



HOSEOK Hoseok leans forward and takes a bite of the dumpling in Jimin’s hand, and it’s a little stupid but he feels happy and special to be spoiled like this. He smiles as he leans back, chewing happily.

Then Jimin starts talking about after school ends, and Hoseok’s expression drops back to something more serious, maybe even a little sad. A lot of his friends have so much hope for that time, thoughts and plans, and Hoseok tries not to talk about what he expects for his own future.

His life is going to be a lot harder once school is over. Some of his friends are already applying to universities, are thinking about what they want to do for a living, where they want to go. Hoseok’s excited for them, happy for them. Melancholy for himself.

There are no college dreams for him. When he graduates he’ll have to find another job, any place that will take him, so he can afford to stay in this apartment. His friends will move on to something better, leaving him behind. He doesn’t see anything to look forward to in his future; he already knows he’s living the happiest time of his life. That all ends when school does.

“What are your thoughts?” he asks Jimin, swallowing down his own unpleasant musings.



JIMIN "Just... I don't know. Thoughts about running away, I guess," Jimin says, not missing the way Hoseok's face falls just a little. "I don't know where I'd go, but when I let myself dream about it, all of you are there. You and Tae and Jungkook and all the hyungs. Sometimes I think about taking a train or just jumping into hyung's truck and not stopping until we run out of gas. I think about finding some rundown, abandoned house or factory or something and making it our home."

He falls quiet for a moment then, frowning in thought as he reaches for another dumpling and then shrugging. "I don't know how we'd make money or anything, but I always think that like. I don't know. You and I could keep dancing, maybe on the streets or something. And the hyungs could get jobs. Tae, too. Maybe we could support Kookie until he graduates and then. I don't know.

"I just want to go."

It sounds stupid, especially now that he's said it out loud. And even if Hoseok is the last one to judge him, Jimin still quickly shakes his head, brushing it all aside with a quick, awkward laugh and a smile.

"Anyway, it's dumb. I know it is. Why are you letting me get all rambly when you're injured and can't escape?" He relaxes just a bit then, reaching over to lightly squeeze Hoseok's knee. "How are you feeling anyway? Do you still have to take the pain meds for awhile?"



HOSEOK It’s a beautiful dream, and Hoseok can’t say he hasn’t had similar ones, especially in the last year. All of his friends talk about running away from this place and Hoseok both does and doesn’t want to himself. Right now he loves this place, being in school surrounded by his friends. He hates living alone, but being here alone with all of them a phone call away is so much better than what it will be like when they all inevitably go their separate ways.

But he loves the idea of piling into Jin’s truck with the rest of them and driving off into the sunset, a life they can all live together as a family. It’s exactly what Hoseok longs for; he just knows how unlikely it is for that to come true.

He understands why someone like Jimin would be ready to leave, though. A lot of his friends are so unhappy at home with their parents, some actively being hurt by them, physically or mentally or both. If he thought he had a better chance somewhere else he’d want to run too.

“It’s not dumb,” he says, offering a sad smile. “That sounds perfect to me. Let’s do it.” He laughs softly though he doesn’t feel happy at all.

“I feel okay,” he answers after a beat. “I’m only supposed to take the painkillers for a couple days, and I have something else they want me to take, for inflammation? Something like that,” he explains. “I’m ready to be off the pain meds. They make me feel stupid. And tired.”

With that he sags back against his pillows, smiling. “I like it when you ramble,” he says then. “By the way.”



JIMIN Let’s do it.

Hoseok makes it sound so easy, but they both know it’s anything but. Jimin huffs a soft, rueful laugh in response as he reaches for the Sprite. He takes a quick taste, sparing a moment to wish it it could be something stronger.

Brow furrowed, he listens carefully then sets aside the Sprite to grab another dumpling, scooting a little closer in the process to dip it into the sauce and then offer it to Hoseok again. He tries not to dwell too much on the softness of Hoseok’s voice or how that simple sentence makes his insides go all warm. He know it doesn’t mean what he wants it to.

Instead, he says, “Does it really hurt a lot? I know you said that you don’t really remember, but like. Uhm. It wasn’t…” He trails off a little, not sure how to really phrase what he’s about to say before he decides to just go for it. “It wasn’t about Jin hyung, was it? About all that stuff that happened?”



HOSEOK Hoseok takes the food from Jimin without hesitation, leaning forward to take it from Jimin’s fingers and then leaning back against his pillows again. He’s swallowing when Jimin speaks, and he coughs a little, reaching for the Sprite to wash it down. It’s not a question he’s expecting, isn’t sure why Jimin would think his getting hurt yesterday was related to everything that had happened months ago with Jin.

It wasn’t about Jin, but it’s dangerously close to the truth, enough that it makes panic rise in the back of Hoseok’s throat. He takes a breath.

“It wasn’t about hyung,” he says, trying to ignore the way his heart’s racing. “I was just lonely, I went for a walk.” All of that is true; the only part he’s omitting is the sleeping pills he took before he went outside.

“Sometimes I just… Pass out,” he goes on, and that part’s also true, though it hasn’t happened in a while. When he was younger he used to faint all the time, whenever he felt exceptionally stressed. “I think that’s probably what happened.”



JIMIN Maybe it's the panic in Hoseok's eyes or the sudden coughing fit, but something about it doesn't feel completely honest. Jimin's frown deepens as he considers that Hoseok clearly doesn't feel comfortable telling him the truth and it's unfair, maybe, considering Jimin never tells anyone the entire truth about himself, but he can't help feeling sad about it. He should respect this with Hoseok too, should understand that sometimes there are secrets too dark to tell, but the knot in his belly only tightens.

"You're not mad at me, are you?" he asks, ignoring the voice in the back of his head that's yelling at him for making this about him. "For getting so angry with hyung. I know you're not-- I know said that you're not upset with him, but it's not. I still think he could have handled the whole thing better."

There's more to it than that, of course. His own feelings are too wrapped up in this and can't seem to disentangle them at all, isn't sure he even knows how.



HOSEOK Hoseok tries not to think about that night too much, mostly because of how embarrassed he is by his own reaction, by being stupid and telling Jin about his crush in the first place. He wasn’t ever going to tell Jin because he knew it was pointless, that Jin would never return those feelings. Because he knew Jin would have to reject him and he knew it would hurt both of them.

But he’d done it, he’d taken those pills and spilled his guts and gotten rejected as he thought he would. And he didn’t handle it gracefully at all, not the way he’d imagined he would when he’d run the scenario through his head in his daydreams. He feels lucky that Jin still wants to be his friend after everything. And maybe Jin shouldn’t have hung up on him, but it was his idea, he told Jin to do it, and he had never been angry with Jin, never upset with him. All he’s ever felt is regret, guilt, and disappointment, all directed toward himself.

And he’s not mad a Jimin either. He was a little upset with him when he’d gotten Jin involved again, but mostly because it brought back his shameful behavior from the past, because it upset Jin all over again.

Hoseok sighs. “I’m not mad at you, Jimin,” he says. “I understand why you were upset with him. You just want to protect me,” he goes on, because even though he’s older, Jimin has always been there for Hoseok, ever since the day they met. “I’d feel the same way if someone did that to you.”



JIMIN That much at least sounds honest and Jimin manages to let out a quiet breath of relief though he continues to just hold the chopsticks in his hand instead of reaching for more food just yet. His stomach is still a little twisted up, a little unsettled, and the idea of shoveling more food into his mouth is wholly unappealing.

"Okay," he says with a quiet nod. He does not say that the one person who could hurt him most with his rejection is Hoseok himself. He doesn't say it because Hoseok won't ever know and, even if he did, even if he somehow found out, Jimin knows he'd never just hang up even if Jimin asked him to. He'd be kind. Hoseok is always so, so kind.

He tries for a smile, though it's small and still a little strained. Because there's more to this, a lot more than he'll ever say, but enough that he should at least say something. "I just... worry, I guess," he says, frowning down at his hands for a moment. "The last couple months have been kind of weird with everyone, like... uh. You know." Hooking up, he doesn't say. Pairing off. Because that's what it is, but it sounds so crude to say it that way, it sounds so exclusionary. "I feel like I barely talk to you outside of school or practice anymore and I know a lot of it my fault because I've been so focused on Taehyung and just. I want to stop doing that. I've been..."

He shakes his head, his frown deepening before he continues. "Honestly, it doesn't matter, I just. I don't want you to feel like we're abandoning you. You don't deserve that. We love you so, so much. We all do."



HOSEOK Hoseok thinks they’re out of the woods when Jimin relaxes a little, when the tension in his shoulders visibly releases and he offers Hoseok a smile. Hoseok exhales some relief of his own, resting heavily back against his pillows, ready to move on to a topic of conversation a little less heavy.

But then it goes completely the other direction. Jimin looks embarrassed, nervous, and he somehow manages to find the exact gap in Hoseok’s armor, the one thing Hoseok’s been holding his breath about for months. He’s become a pro at compartmentalizing, at saying the right thing even when it hurts, because if he says it enough eventually it will be true. He doesn’t want to feel excluded, he doesn’t want to feel left behind, and he knows his friends aren’t doing that intentionally, but that’s just what happens when people get together; their focus changes. And it’s not that he isn’t happy for his friends because he is, he’s immensely happy for them, but all the things Jimin’s saying are like thorns, like his chest is suddenly full of them.

He can’t say anything around the growing lump in his throat and his eyes fill with tears before he can stop them. He’s always been like this, his emotions so close to the surface that he can’t hold them back even when he desperately wants to. And the nail in the coffin is Jimin’s last words, we love you so, so much, and all Hoseok can think is what Jin said just the other night, I’m sorry it’s not the kind of love you want.

He tries to breathe and it catches in his chest, comes out as a sob, and he ducks his face into his palms, shaking as he tries in vain to hold it all back. There’s no stopping the tears, but he doesn’t have to let Jimin see his face when it happens. He knows how ugly he looks when he cries.



JIMIN Jimin honestly isn’t sure what he’s expecting in response. Maybe a scoff and a quiet, “Jimin, don’t be ridiculous,” or a “It’s okay, of course I know you love me.” Because Hoseok always has a smile even when Jimin knows he’s hurting, he hides his feelings with the best of them, covers it all with his bright heart-shaped smile, ignores the fact that they can all see when it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Hyung,” he whines, something squeezing tight around his chest as he watches Hoseok crumble right in front of him. It’s a slow thing, his face contorting little by little as he tries to fight it off and Jimin moves instantly, half scrambling up the bed while simultaneously trying to be careful not to kick Hoseok’s injured leg.

“Shit, hyung. Hyung, I’m sorry,” he whispers, immediately curling an arm around Hoseok’s shoulders and pulling him in close, brushing his lips to Hoseok’s temple as he squeezes his eyes shut tight, cards his fingers through Hoseok’s hair. “Please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” That one is partially a lie, he knows. Because he has pulled back on purpose to some extent, to get over his own stupid heart, to focus on the boy who loves him back instead of the one who never will. “None of us did. I’m so sorry.”

All his apologies still mean nothing, but his heart hurts all over and he doesn’t know what to do. So he keeps holding on, keeps holding Hoseok close as he kisses to the top of his head and combs his hair. “I won’t anymore,” he promises, his voice a whisper. “I’ll be right here whenever you need me.” No matter how much it hurts, he silently adds to himself.



HOSEOK Hoseok doesn’t really know what Jimin’s apologizing for, not until he starts to put words together, and his heart aches because he’s upsetting Jimin now with his stupid feelings, making Jimin feel bad for loving someone so much he wants to be with them all the time. He can’t blame Jimin for that because it’s all he wants too, especially now that everyone he loves is experiencing that and he isn’t. It’s so selfish to be jealous, but he can’t help it, and he tries and tries to swallow it down and keeps failing to keep his mouth shut. And now he’s sobbing in Jimin’s arms, making a big deal out of his own feelings like a total asshole.

Distantly he thinks he can blame the painkillers, but that doesn’t stop the way his heart is twisting in his chest. Jimin’s holding him tightly and kissing his head and that almost makes it worse, like he’s a child Jimin is comforting rather than his hyung.

All sorts of things are coming to mind now that he’s let his control slip, the things Yoongi said to him, back before Jungkook confessed and he didn’t think they had a chance, the two of them commiserating about wanting people they couldn’t have, the things Jin said when Hoseok stupidly confessed to him, all the platitudes of people who care but not the way Hoseok so desperately wants. And Jungkook, telling him that someone does care that way but was too afraid to say it, someone who loves someone else now and never even gave Hoseok a chance.

He’s known for a long time that he’s going to end up alone. It was stupid to hope for something else, and that’s why this hurts so much that he can barely breathe, that he can’t stop crying.

“I’m… sorry…” manages with heavy gulps of air, lifting his face from his hands as he tries to stop sobbing. “Sorry, Jimin… sorry…”



JIMIN “Shh, don’t,” Jimin whispers with a slightly cringe. Because Hoseok’s not the one who has anything to apologize for right now, he’s not the one who’s done anything wrong. He kisses Hoseok’s head again, the move impulsive and selfish before he tells himself to stop, resting his cheek there instead as he continues to hold Hoseok close.

But Hoseok’s sobs don’t seem to be quieting any and Jimin still doesn’t know what to do. It hadn’t been his intent to make Hoseok cry and now that he’s done it, he doesn’t know how to make it stop, how to put back together all the things he’s broken when all he’d been trying to do is help.

He swallows down the lump rising in his own throat as he holds Hoseok tighter, shakes his head again before he can manage to form words. “I never meant to shut you out,” he says because that much is true. Even as he’d pulled back, he’d never, not once intended to ever turn his back on Hoseok. He never could, he knows. Regardless of what might happen. His voice is a whisper now as he continues. “I really am sorry and I’ll never do it again, okay? I’m so sorry.”



HOSEOK Hoseok shakes his head because Jimin’s thinking the wrong thing, apologizing for something he doesn’t need to (not that he needs to be apologizing for anything). He swallows hard, his whole body shaking as he tries to get himself under control, reaching out until he finds one of Jimin’s hands and holding it tightly.

“You didn’t, didn’t shut me out,” he says, words still broken and breathless. “It’s not, not your fault.” He takes a deep breath, whining a little as he exhales, trying to calm himself down.

“It’s, it’s stupid, it’s selfish,” he goes on, shifting so he can look in Jimin’s eyes. “And I don’t, I don’t want to bother, bother anyone,” he tries to explain. “I’m just so, I’m so lonely. I feel alone a lot and everyone, everyone’s going to leave.” He coughs then, still trying to get the words out.

“I have all, all these feelings and I can’t tell, can’t tell anyone and they just, they fill me up. They fill me up and I don’t, I don’t know what to do.”



JIMIN With a gentle turn of his wrist, Jimin finds Hoseok’s hand in his own, holding tight, his cheek still pressed to the top of Hoseok’s head. He feel like his entire chest is being split open, every one of Hoseok’s hitched sobs piercing and twisting. His vision’s gone blurry despite how hard he’s trying to hold it back, his own nose all stuffed up as he again shakes his head.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers for what feels like the dozenth time now. “I wish things were different, I wish…”

He isn’t sure how to finish that, how he can say I wish you loved me the way I love you without it sounding like he’s pointing fingers, like Hoseok is somehow wrong for wanting someone else.

So instead he says, “You’re not a bother, okay?” with a rough exhale. “Never. I don’t care what I’m doing or what you think I’m doing, if you need me, I’ll be wherever you are as soon as I possibly can be. I’ll make Joonie hyung learn how to teleport if I have to.”



HOSEOK There it is again, the thing they all say, wishing things weren’t so hard on him, promising that there’s someone out there for him, that he deserves to be loved. And it’s a kind, genuine sentiment, but Hoseok’s so tired of hearing it. It’s hard to believe right now, and it’s so hard to be patient and hopeful when he’s watching everyone else fall in love, when they all have what he wants so badly. And it’s selfish, he knows it is, he knows that they love him and don’t want him hurting. It just sucks so much, it hurts so much, and he’s so ready for it to stop.

He leans heavily into Jimin as Jimin keeps talking, and these words are more comforting, Jimin’s tone determined and emotional, and Hoseok’s crying finally begins to let up until he’s just breathing hard, feeling worn out, heavy and hollow at the same time. There’s something about what Jimin says that reminds him of what Jungkook told him, right before Christmas, about a person who thought he was precious. He’s thought about it a lot since then, has had it in the back of his mind, and this isn’t the first time Jimin has brought that memory back.

He’s exhausted, emotionally stripped, physically drained. He looks down at their hands, fingers lightly twined, and he thinks about how nice Jimin’s hand looks in his, Jimin’s sweet, beautiful, little fingers, Jimin’s strong heart beating against his cheek, Jimin’s arm secure around him. Maybe it was Jimin, it could have been Jimin. But Hoseok was too late, he never had a chance.

It makes him whimper and close his eyes, a couple of fresh tears skipping down his cheeks. He’s so tired.

“I wish you could just stay here,” he says, his voice shaking. “I wish you could stay here with me always. Everything’s better when you’re with me.”



JIMIN Hoseok’s sobs are starting to subside a little, his shoulders not heaving quite so violently, but it seems like little relief to Jimin if he’s honest. Because it’s obvious that the pain is still there, that Hoseok’s kept this locked all up inside him for so, so long. Too long. And maybe it’ll be better now that it’s all spilling out, now that Hoseok is being honest first with himself but also with Jimin. Even if it’s nothing that can be fixed, even if Jimin can’t do anything, he can at least be here, he can hold Hoseok for as long as Hoseok needs it. He can make sure Hoseok isn’t alone.

He can give as much of his heart as Hoseok wants for as long as Hoseok needs it. Until he finds someone who can really, truly make him happy.

There’s still a tremble in Hoseok’s voice when he speaks and it’s more than enough to make Jimin hold him tighter. Hoseok’s skin smells a little sweaty, a little stale. Jimin finds it comforting even as Hoseok’s words make his chest ache.

“Me too,” he says because it feels entirely true. He’d give anything to be able to stay here, out of his own house and with Hoseok all the time. “I can stay tonight, at least. Or like. For a few hours,” he amends with a slight cringe. “I’ll probably need to leave before sunrise in case my parents actually remember they have a kid. I know that’s not…” He trails off, his frown deepening. “I’m sorry. I’ll stay as long as I can, okay?”



HOSEOK Hoseok sniffles, pressing his face into Jimin’s chest, feeling Jimin’s pulse, counting the beats. He feels raw and achy all over and he got some of what’s in his heart out, but nowhere near enough. He wants to say more, wants to tell Jimin everything, but he can’t. It’s not fair to Jimin.

He’s so tired, his mind foggy from all the things in his head, from the drugs in his system. “Not just tonight,” he murmurs, tracing the side of one of Jimin’s fingers with his thumb. “Like always. It’s not nice here, but you wouldn’t be alone. I wouldn’t be alone.” He takes a breath, his exhale shuddering out of him.

“I wish I wasn’t so stupid,” he says then, staring down at their hands, his eyes getting heavy. “I’m sorry, Jimin. I’m sorry I’m too late.”



JIMIN Jimin slides his hand to the nape of Hoseok’s neck as Hoseok turns into him, squeezing when he feels the shudder of Hoseok’s breath against his sternum. It isn’t the first time they’ve hugged, of course, isn’t the first time they’ve held each other in dark moments. But Jimin can’t say it’s ever felt like this, so raw and open.

He’s struggling to breathe around the massive lump in his throat.

And then his heart starts pounding, something a little closer to panic rising as Hoseok speaks again. He keeps completely still, not wanting to break the moment, not wanting to stop Hoseok from touching him so so gently as says, “What? Hyung, what do you mean?”



HOSEOK Hoseok draws a long, deep breath, and the longer he rests here against Jimin’s chest, the heavier he feels, like he could fall asleep to the sound of Jimin’s heart beating steadily.

He swallows. “Just, Jungkook,” he murmurs, looking down at their hands, their fingers, squeezing his around Jimin’s. “He told me,” he says with a sigh. “But it was too late, and I…” He closes his eyes, counts Jimin’s pulse for a few seconds. “So stupid. I thought, I guessed, but… It was already too late.”



JIMIN “Jungkook?” Jimin asks, his voice barely a whisper. He feels like the air has been sucked from his lungs, a cold chill running down his back. He’d never guessed that Jungkook would tell Hoseok how he felt, had always trusted that he’d keep it secret. But the ache in his chest is worse than betrayal.

He’s so, so afraid.

“To… too late?” His voice is shaking now and he has to remind himself to suck in a breath. His only saving grace is that Hoseok can’t see his face in this position, can’t see how stripped bare Jimin feels right now. “Too late for what?”



HOSEOK “Anything,” Hoseok says, his eyes fluttering open again, staring at Jimin’s fingernails, his knuckles, his pretty, delicate wrist. “And you, it’s you, isn’t it?” God, he’s so tired, his brain isn’t working, and Jimin’s voice sounds brittle now, somehow. Anxious.

He squeezes Jimin’s hand, comforting. “He didn’t tell me. He said he couldn’t.” He sighs, shifting, trying to push himself up a little, wanting to see Jimin’s eyes. “But it has to be you.”



JIMIN Hoseok’s touch is so gentle, just a light brush of his fingers over Jimin’s, tracing his knuckles and the thin skin of his wrist. Jimin wonders if Hoseok can feel him shaking.

He shudders on another breath, mind whirling as he tries to make sense of what Hoseok’s saying. The sentences seem fragmented, pasted together in a way Jimin can’t entirely make sense of, heart pounding.

Every muscle in his body goes tense as Hoseok shifts then, moves to lift his head to meet Jimin’s eyes and Jimin can’t look away, hasn’t been able to since the moment they first met. “I don’t… hyung.” The last comes out as a whispered plea, though he can’t say why. He twists his wrist to get a better hold of Hoseok’s hand and grips tight. His stomach is a mess, too many thoughts messing up his head and he doesn’t know what to do with any of it. “What does that mean? What—“ His voice catches and he swallows. Tries again. “What has to be me?”



HOSEOK Now that they’re face to face Hoseok’s mind seems clearer. He’s still so exhausted, but the confused, shaken expression on Jimin’s face sobers him some. He holds on tightly to Jimin’s hand, hoping the touch can ground Jimin as much as it’s grounding him.

He takes a breath. “Right before Christmas, Jungkook…” he starts, and anxiety flutters in his stomach, but it’s too late to go back now. He has to follow this through.

“I was upset,” he tries again, and he doesn’t want to go into details as to why, hopes Jimin doesn’t need to know. “I was feeling lonely and he told me, he said he knew someone who liked me, who…” He takes another shaking breath. “He said I was precious to them,” he says, searching Jimin’s eyes.

“He wouldn’t tell me who, he said he couldn’t, but the way he talked about it… I felt like it had to be someone close to both of us. And I… I paid more attention after that, but everyone was already…” He stops, shaking his head. “It was too late. I was too late, because I was too stupid to see it on my own. But, I think… Was it you?” he asks, his body trembling, gripping Jimin’s hand like it’s the only thing holding him together now.



JIMIN There's some relief in knowing Jungkook hadn't betrayed his trust, that he'd likely only been trying to help Hoseok feel better when he'd mentioned it at all. Of course he'd figured it out from that, regardless of how much Jimin's been trying to shove it down, trying to get over it. Hoseok isn't stupid. Of course he's figured it out.

His eyes are locked on Hoseok, hand shaking where he's still clutching Hoseok's as he fights to remember to breathe yet again. He thinks maybe Hoseok is shaking too, but he can't really tell.

"I tried to stop," he says, like it's an excuse. An apology. "I know you don't... I knew then too, I knew you liked Jin hyung, and thought maybe you liked someone else a little too. I knew you didn't want me, at least. That you never would." The words get clogged in his throat again and he lifts one hand to wipe furiously at his eyes, angry at himself for crying when this isn't supposed to be about him. He's supposed to be here for Hoseok, be strong for him. "I'm not brave like you, I'm sorry. I'm not-- You mean too much to me."



HOSEOK The admission hurts more than Hoseok expects it to, not because he knows now for certain that he was right, but because of how sad and apologetic Jimin sounds, like finding out someone loves him would hurt Hoseok somehow. And then he gets it, because Jimin’s explaining why he never said anything, giving the same explanation Jungkook had back in December, the one Hoseok had immediately understood.

“I understand why you didn’t tell me,” he says, his own eyes going wet again, this time in sympathy for Jimin. “But I…” he stops, taking a breath, because it doesn’t matter now, it doesn’t, because he didn’t see it, not when there was still a chance for them. It doesn’t matter, but maybe knowing will soothe Jimin’s guilt some.

“It doesn’t matter now, but if you had told me…” He inhales again, his voice going a little shaky, then swallows around the emotions rising in the back of his throat. “I wouldn’t have rejected you. I…” He shakes his head softly. “I’ve tried not to think about it too much because you’re… Because it’s too late. But I…” He shakes his head again, unable to say anything else, having already said way too much.



JIMIN It doesn't matter now, is what gets stuck in Jimin's head, louder than everything else. It doesn't matter.

A choked off, half-sob, half-whimper tumbles out of his mouth before he can stop it, his entire chest clenching tight as he lets go of Hoseok to hide his face in his hands. Despite what Hoseok's saying, Jimin can't imagine that it would have mattered then either, can't imagine that Hoseok would have suddenly wanted him. He doesn't think Hoseok would have been cruel about, of course. He never would. But Jimin can't stomach the idea that Hoseok might have agreed out of pity, that maybe they would have tried something while Hoseok quietly waited for Jin hyung to come to his senses.

"You weren't supposed to know," he manages once he's able to find his voice again. His vision is still blurry, his cheeks and chin covered in tears and snot even as he wipes at he pulls away from Hoseok enough to wipe at his face with his palms. "I just want you to be happy, that's all. I want you to be so, so happy and some stupid, selfish part of me wants to be the person that can make you the happiest, but I know-- I know it's not like that. I know it's not simple. And you probably don't--" His voice gets choked off again as he scowls down at his own hands. "It's not any less real just because I love Taehyung, but I don't expect you to believe that. I can't. I know I'm greedy and I know I don't deserve you or him or-- or anyone else. I want too much. I want--"

The rest of his words get stuck again, his breath coming short and fast as he curls in close to his knees. He needs to keep breathing, but he doesn't know how, can't get anything more than tiny trickles of air into his lungs, the edges of his blurry vision flickering dark. Fuck, why is he like this? Why is he so greedy? Why does he constantly ache for so much attention when he doesn't deserve it, when everyone knows he doesn't? Why would anyone love someone who's as ugly and twisted and broken as he is? What's his fucking problem?



HOSEOK Hoseok doesn’t expect Jimin to start crying harder, pressing his palms over his eyes and sobbing. It makes Hoseok’s heart twist in his chest, his stomach dropping, and he moves to wrap his arm around Jimin’s shoulders, holding him.

He stays quiet as Jimin speaks, he hears those exact words that Jungkook said before, part of me wants to be the person that can make you the happiest, and that hits him right in the heart too, that what Jungkook said was completely, entirely true. He focuses on that for a moment, all the way up until Jimin says something else, it’s not any less real just because I love Taehyung, and he inhales sharply in shock.

He’d always thought whatever this person – whatever Jimin – felt for him, it would be gone by now, replaced by their love for someone else. And Jimin does love Taehyung, but somehow…

Jimin’s starting to panic. He can hear it in the way Jimin’s gasping for breath, can see it in Jimin’s stature, the way he’s curling in on himself. Hoseok rubs at Jimin’s back in soothing circles, leaning in so he can murmur lowly near Jimin’s ear. “Breathe, Jiminie,” he says softly. “It’s okay, everything’s okay, just breathe. I’m here with you, I’m not going anywhere. I’m never going anywhere.”



JIMIN His thoughts are too loud, screaming inside his head, echoes bouncing off skull. He's buried his face in his knees, can't even tell now whether or not he's still crying or if he's just shaking apart. Unraveling and drowning at the same time.

But then he feels a hand on his back, warm and solid and sure. And there's a voice in his ear, breath on his skin.

Breathe.

Breathe. Breathe. Keep breathing.

It's just enough to quiet the yelling, to calm the rapid beating in his chest. He manages to suck in a deep breath, rattled and shaky, but still a breath. He holds it. Lets it out and sucks in another one. The warmth against his side doesn't leave and Hoseok's voice is still so low and calming and, little by little, his breath his evening out, hitching only ever third or fourth breath.

"I'm sorry," he manages finally, uncurling his hands from around his knees to clumsily, nervously reach for Hoseok's, grabbing on tight. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm like this. I don't... I'm supposed to be here for you."



HOSEOK It takes a while but eventually Jimin’s breathing starts to even out a little, his body relaxing, muscles uncoiling. Hoseok keeps rubbing at his back, stays close, trying to make his own breathing even and slow.

“You are here for me,” he says gently. “You have no reason to be sorry.”

He wants to talk about what Jimin said before, he wants it so much, but he’s afraid of sending Jimin into a panic again. He shifts on the bed to move the remnants of their dinner out of the way as best he can without putting to much pressure on his ankle, setting the dishes and chopsticks on his bedside table.

Once everything is cleared he moves back to Jimin’s side, sitting close to him, arm around him again. “Do you want to keep talking?” he asks carefully. “About, um. I don’t think…” He swallows, taking a breath. “You don’t really know how I feel,” he tries again. “I want to tell you, but only if you want to hear it.”



JIMIN There's a sudden chill when Hoseok moves away, the mattress jostling at the shift of his weight. Jimin wants to reach out, wants to stop him from cleaning the mess, worried about Hoseok accidentally messing up his ankle. But he's still not feeling completely right again, not feeling stable, and all he can do is reach out uselessly before let his hand drop back to the bed.

Luckily, Hoseok's only away long enough to set the food aside before he's back at Jimin's side, his presence a warm comfort despite the nervous anxiety still running through his veins.

He takes another shuddered breath when Hoseok speaks again, when the words register.

I do know how you feel, he almost says. I don't need to hear it. I don't want to.

But he knows that isn't fair. He knows he should let Hoseok speak for himself, that he deserves that no matter how much it might hurt to hear. Hoseok had to be the brave one last time, he faced his feelings and laid them bare in front of someone who couldn't return them. It's only fair that Jimin face this now.

So he nods finally, but he keeps his legs tucked up close, knees nearly to his nose. "Just... what I feel hasn't changed," he says because Hoseok deserves to hear it, he thinks. After everything. He deserves the whole truth. "I tried, but I guess it doesn't really work that way. It's okay if you don't believe me with, uh... with everything. With Tae. And it's okay that you don't feel the same way and I know things might be weird now, but I promise to try to-- to make it okay. I want us to be okay. Please."



HOSEOK Hoseok’s heart starts to race when Jimin clarifies what he’d said before, that his feelings haven’t changed, and it feels like it shouldn’t be happening, like this is all in the wrong order. But Hoseok’s been thinking about this since the 23rd of December, has been trying to push down the curiosity, has been trying to deny what he’d figured out by watching. Because he thought there was no point, because Jimin and Taehyung were together, were in love, no space for him.

But it’s colored everything, including the way Hoseok feels, the way he’s looked at Jimin in the last month. He’s always loved Jimin, he’s always felt close to him, always relied on him. But recently they’ve been more possessive, his feelings, even when he didn’t want them to be. Searching and reaching and maybe even hopeful, and bittersweet in that. Because he thought he’d missed his chance.

He catches Jimin’s hand, twines their fingers together, holds on. But he keeps his eyes focused on Jimin’s, needs Jimin to see his face when he speaks. Because he always shows everything there, and he wants Jimin to see it.

“What I feel has changed,” he says, his heart beating so fast, fluttering in his throat. “I started to see something, and I tried not to, I tried. Because of Tae, because you love him. And I thought…” He sucks in a breath, calming so his voice won’t shake. “I thought you wouldn’t… That what you felt for me was gone. But I…”

He looks down at their hands, Jimin’s pale, soft fingers, twined between his own. “I know nothing will happen, still, I’m too late, but I wish…” He looks back up at Jimin, his eyes wet again. “I wish I’d had the chance. I’d really have liked the chance, with you. To be with you.”



JIMIN Somehow, the touch is unexpected and Jimin jerks a little at the brush of Hoseok’s fingers over his, but he doesn’t pull away. His eyes get stuck on the way Hoseok’s fingers fold so easily into his own, so long and slender and pretty. Instinctively, he brushes his thumb over the backs of Hoseok’s fingers and forces himself to focus on Hoseok’s words, to truly listen to every word.

His heart clenches at the start, stomach dropping in fear. Here it comes, here it comes.

But Hoseok keeps talking and Jimin keeps listening and his heart is pounding all over again, loud in his ears as he tries to keep up, tries to tell himself he’s not reading too much into this, that he’s really hearing what he thinks he’s hearing.

“You… what?” he asks after a long moment, blinking stupidly up at Hoseok. He’s not expecting a response, really. Just stalling for time as he tries to gather his thoughts. “I mean. Uhm. Taehyung knows, he… knows how I feel about you. He’s always known.” There’s probably no point in saying it; just because Taehyung understands Jimin’s feelings for Hoseok doesn’t mean anything, really. Jimin can’t quite let himself believe that Hoseok will be okay with anything at all even if he does have a glimmer of… of something for Jimin.



HOSEOK Hoseok doesn’t know what to make of what Jimin’s saying, that Taehyung knows about his feelings for Hoseok. It doesn’t surprise him that Jimin would tell Taehyung about his feelings, but now that they’re together it feels like something that would be off the table. And maybe it is, maybe he’s just telling Hoseok so he knows that Taehyung knows. It’s just all so confusing right now, maybe because of the painkillers, the high emotions. But Hoseok desperately wants to understand.

“Does… Is Taehyung upset about it?” he asks, his mouth going a little dry. “God, Jimin, I’m sorry,” he says, but he doesn’t move away, doesn’t let go of Jimin’s hand. “I don’t want to… I never wanted…” He sighs, frowning apologetically. “I know you’re with him. I don’t… It doesn’t matter how I feel. I won’t get in the way, I promise.”



JIMIN “No,” Jimin says with a quiet, breathy laugh, dropping his gaze again to their hands as he shakes his head. His stomach is still all twisted up and he feels like he’s walking some strange sort of tightrope, so unsure of each step, so terrified of making a single wrong move and falling, falling, falling.

But as Hoseok continues, Jimin’s small glimmer of a smile dims and he rushes to clarify. “No, he’s not-- he isn’t upset. He knows and he understands. He…” Jimin trails off because he doesn’t want to bare any of Taehyung’s secrets. Instead, he swallows and huffs out a breath. “He’s my soulmate,” is all he can manage a moment later, voice lodged in his throat as he looks back down at their hands, clasped together. His stomach is flipping again, unsettled and twisting over and over as he forces himself to continue. “But, I’ve. Like. It’s stupid, but I feel like… like you are too. Even if it’s not-- not the way I want it to be.”



HOSEOK The more Jimin explains, the more confused Hoseok feels, and he shakes his head softly when Jimin finishes speaking. But he doesn’t let go of Jimin’s hand, doesn’t pull away.

“What do you mean?” he asks, his heart still pounding, heavy in his throat, his hand shaking where Jimin holds onto him. “What do you mean by not the way you want?”



JIMIN It’s a heavier question than it probably should be and Jimin huffs out another nervous laugh, gaze still locked on their hands, on the pretty, pretty curve of Hoseok’s fingers linked with his.

“I mean…” Jimin starts, pausing a moment to gather his thoughts again, and his courage. “Like, uh. Like romantically. Like more than just friends. Like… like boyfriends, I guess.” It’s saying too much, asking too much, Jimin knows. He already has Taehyung, and he loves Taehyung. It isn’t fair to want to Taehyung and Hoseok both, but as much as he’s tried in the past two months, that want hasn’t gone away at all. Even if Hoseok doesn’t want what he does, that doesn’t mean Jimin feels any differently.



HOSEOK It’s still confusing, because Hoseok wants that, he wants to be Jimin’s boyfriend. But Jimin already has one, is already with Taehyung, and it doesn’t matter what they both feel now, because it’s too late. It’s always been too late.

“But that…” Hoseok starts, tries, his own eyes turning down to their hands too, squeezing Jimin’s fingers between his own, savoring this moment in case it gets too awkward for them to hold hands like this again. “If, if it was possible,” he says softly, his voice shaking. “I… I’d want that. To be, be your… Your boyfriend,” he manages. “I know I can’t, I know,” he says, then he ducks his head, exhaling a sigh.

“I want that,” he says, still looking down at their joined hands. “I sorry, I know you can’t, that I should stop, but I want it. I want you,” he admits, his chest aching, heart thudding.



JIMIN I want you.

It’s everything Jimin’s longed to hear for… he doesn’t even know how long. For months, at least. For as long as he’s known Hoseok. But there’s a caveat to it, the phrase that’s hanging over their entire conversation: It’s too late. Too late, too late, too late.

“But Tae,” is all he can think, his voice catching. A person is only supposed to have one special person, that’s what he’s always been taught. Better yet, a boy is only supposed to have one special girl, but he’s already messed that up. And now here he is with not only one boy, but wanting another. How can he possibly feel this strongly for more than one person? “I can’t… I don’t--” He forces a breath even as he squeezes Hoseok’s hand tighter, silently begging for him to understand. To not hate him. “He’s. He’s my soulmate, too.”

He groans again, shutting his eyes tight as he shakes his head. “I’m so fucked up, I’m sorry. I’m so so fucked up.”



HOSEOK Hoseok understands. He knew this is how it was even before this conversation happened. But somehow it still hurts to hear Jimin confirm it, it makes tears gather in Hoseok’s eyes, makes his chest ache.

“I know,” he says, trying to keep his voice from wavering, tears from falling. “You’re not fucked up, you’re not,” he makes sure to assure Jimin, because that’s not what he’s acknowledging. “You’re with him, you love him,” he says. “I’m sorry, you don’t, you didn’t…” He can’t help it when saline spills onto his cheeks.

“You’re with Tae. I shouldn’t have said anything,” he says quickly, shaking his head. “Fuck, I’m so sorry.”



JIMIN None of that is untrue — Jimin is with Taehyung and loves him so so much. The idea of breaking up with him, of pretending that he doesn’t love Taehyung is suffocating. He’s never really considered the idea the idea that he’d have to choose between them, that Hoseok would ever even want something like this with him. He can’t make sense of it.

“I’m sorry,” Jimin echoes, still holding Hoseok’s hand tightly. He should probably stop, he knows. He should let go. but he doesn’t want to.

Hoseok’s crying, fresh tears this time, and Jimin doesn’t know what to do, has no idea how to make anything better. “I don’t know what to do,” he admits, turning slightly to face Hoseok better, eyes prickling again. He opens his mouth, words on the tip of his tongue before he shakes his head and slumps again, whispering. “I don’t know what to do.”



HOSEOK Jimin’s buckling again, crumbling in front of Hoseok’s eyes, and it breaks Hoseok’s heart, seeing him this way, being the cause of it. He takes a breath, trying to keep the tears from brimming, but he can’t help it. His heart is aching too much.

“You don’t have to do anything,” he says, shaking his head. “I shouldn’t have said. You’re happy, happy with Taehyung. You should be with him. I shouldn’t have said anything.” He smiles then, makes himself, wipes his fingers quickly over his cheeks to brush the wetness away. “I’m fine, I’m okay. I’m okay.”



JIMIN Again, it’s not untrue. He is happy with Taehyung, or at least as happy as he can be with his parents barely tolerating him and his future uncertain and so much of his heart tied up with a boy who will never love him back.

Except now that boy maybe does love him back. Or at least likes him enough to want to try… something.

Or even just likes him because he knows how Jimin feels and wants to be wanted. Which is… that’s enough. Jimin can understand it. After everything Hoseok’s gone though, all he’s lived through, of course he wants that feeling. And Jimin wants to be the one to give it to him, for as long as he possibly can.

“Am I just supposed to forget about this?” he asks with a soft scoff. His smile fades immediately, melting into a frown at the wetness on Hoseok’s cheeks. He reaches out to wipe some of it away, but he’s a little too late, his hand pausing in midair before he drops it away again, his shoulders slumping. “Do you…” His chest stings but he pushes on. “Do you want me to break up with Tae?”



HOSEOK “What?” Hoseok replies, blinking wide eyes, even as tears still drip down his cheeks. “Why would I…”

He shakes his head, because this is too much. He’s trying so hard to make Jimin understand that he’s not trying to get in the way, he’s not trying to tell Jimin because he wants anything form him. “I don’t, why would… I don’t want you to break up with him. I’d never ask you to do that. Not ever.”

His heart’s hurting in a different way now, and his stupid eyes won’t stop flooding with tears. “I’m sorry, I don’t… It was selfish, to say anything. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just, I want you to be happy. Please, just… Please forgive me. Please.”



JIMIN Jimin’s frown deepens as Hoseok continues, mouth falling open in a wordless argument as he struggles to keep up. He finally releases Hoseok’s hand to reach up and help brush the tears from Hoseok’s cheeks. His eyes are so red and swollen, face contorted in misery and Jimin hates, hates, hates that he’s been the cause of any of it.

“There’s nothing to forgive you for,” Jimin says, his voice a whispered plea. “I just don’t know what to do, I’m just. I’m so selfish, I’m so.”

His voice catches again and he winces against it. “I can’t just stop wanting you, stop loving you. But I can’t stop loving him either and I can’t--” He forces himself to take a breath, to take a second to clear his head. His heart is still thundering in his chest, ears ringing as he says, “I’m not the only one he loves either, and we’ve-- we’ve sort of talked about this. Not, like. No details because it wasn’t… I never thought this would happen. Not ever. But I think… I think if I told him, he’d understand.”



HOSEOK It’s starting to get hard to be here in this situation, to feel Jimin’s comfort and want to sink into it, but also feel like he needs to stop pretending like this is something he can have. He’s taking deep breaths, trying to find the energy to pull away when Jimin says something about Taehyung, about him loving someone else, and it’s so much, too much, and Hoseok’s exhausted, drug addled brain can barely keep up.

“Understand what?” he asks, his voice breaking, his hands shaking. “Jimin,” he whimpers, shaking his head. “Understand what?”



JIMIN Hoseok’s voice breaks and Jimin feels his own heart splinter a little. He doesn’t know how to talk about this, doesn’t know how to make sense of the mess that’s inside him. But that’s always been the case. He’s never been anything but a ruined, disgusting mess.

“Understand that… I don’t know,” he confesses, stomach twisting in on itself. “Understand how I feel, understand that I’m-- that I want this. I want it with you. And I don’t want to break up with him, I really really don’t, but I think. I think maybe he’d understand me wanting to be with both of you, as selfish and horrible and greedy as that sounds.”



HOSEOK A lump rises in Hoseok’s throat and he doesn’t know what to think, what to say. The words wanting to be with both of you don’t make sense to his brain and he blinks, his breath shuttering out of him.

“B-both?” he says, shaking, overwhelmed. “Why, do–” he tries, his heart skipping beats left and right. “You, you want… You want to be with me?”



JIMIN He cringes at the tone of Hoseok’s voice, the disbelief and disgust he can hear there. Instinctively, he pulls his hands away to wrap his arms around his middle, shoulders curling in. There’s no other word what he wants but greed. Even if Hoseok only wants him until he finds someone better, it’s still selfish of Jimin to want to take his attention, especially when he has Taehyung.

But he can’t stop wanting.

There’s no point in lying so he nods in reply. “I do,” he says, his voice a little choked. “Please don’t-- I understand if that’s not enough, if you don’t… don’t want that. But please don’t hate me.”



HOSEOK Hoseok looks down at his hand when Jimin lets him go, and he hears Jimin’s words, but the weight of them is different now. He knots his own fingers together in his lap, looking down at them, angry at his own hopeful heart.

“I do,” he says, quiet, sad. “I want that. But I…” He closes his eyes, feels another stupid, frustrating tear roll down his cheek. “Don’t just do it for me,” he says, feeling ashamed, feeling so, so exhausted.



JIMIN Jimin frowns, shaking his head in confusion then, arms still wrapped tightly around himself. “What do you mean?” he asks because he can’t make sense of that at all. “What do you mean don’t just do it for you?”

Because Jimin’s greed is the whole point here. If there’s anyone making any sacrifices, it’s Hoseok. And Taehyung, too. If there’s anyone that deserves better, it’s the both of them.



HOSEOK Hoseok keeps looking down at his own hands, his heart pounding, afraid to say the wrong thing. He wants this so badly, even though he has no idea how it can possibly work. Even if Jimin really wants him, how can Taehyung be okay with it? Why would anyone want to share Jimin if they didn’t have to?

“I mean...” He pauses, taking a shuddering breath. “Do... do you really want me? Enough to...” He takes another careful breath, looking up to meet Jimin’s eyes.

“I don’t want to mess things up for you and Taehyung,” he says softly. “I don’t want to be in the way.”



JIMIN There’s still so much uncertainty in Hoseok’s voice; it’s so clear he doesn’t know if he can believe any of this true. Jimin can’t help but wonder if he thinks Jimin’s lying for some reason, if he thinks Jimin’s taking pity on him. The idea of that is crushing somehow and Jimin shakes his head, trying to clear it away.

“It might,” he says, his own voice shaking as the reality of it all starts to settle in. “He might not— I mean, I don’t think he’ll hate me but there’s. There’s a chance he’ll want to break up with me, that he won’t... won’t want all this.” He forces a breath, forces himself to find his words, to not panic despite the sinking in his stomach. “But I’ve been in love with you for a really, really long time. I’ve been— he knows. He’s known this whole time. I really really want to believe he won’t hate me for this.”



HOSEOK This conversation is serious and Hoseok is trying as hard as he can to focus despite the fuzziness in his brain, but then Jimin says been in love with you and his mind whites out entirely. Because there’s a difference between liking someone or even thinking they’re precious and being in love with them. It takes Hoseok’s breath away, makes his chest feel like it’s going to explode, like it can’t contain the heavy hammering of his heart.

“Fuck, Jimin, I…” he says, trembling, and he wants to hold Jimin’s hand again, wants to hold Jimin in his arms right now. He untangles hands, his right one shaking as he moves it to rest on the bed between them, an invitation if Jimin wants to take it.

“I don’t want to hurt him,” he says softly, sincerely, his voice pained. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to ruin anything, and I… I feel so selfish right now,” he admits. “I don’t know what to do.”

He takes a breath, his fingers curling into a fist. “I don’t, I don’t want to pretend I don’t know how you feel. I don’t want to lie and say that I don’t want to know what it’s like to… To kiss you. Or, or to hold you, to be more than friends, I… I want to. But I won’t…” He feels like he can’t breathe, like he runs out of air so fast, his chest so tight.

“I’m sorry,” he says, looking down at his hand, resting on the mattress. “I shouldn’t have said anything, I just… It’s so hard holding it in all the time.”



JIMIN There’s no missing Hoseok’s reaction, the quiet hitch in his breath, the shock. Jimin feels his face flush warm and he stares determinedly down at the bed, his ears burning. It’s more than he should have said, he thinks. It’s too much.

His stomach is in knots when he sees the glimpse of Hoseok’s hand in his peripheral vision, long, delicate fingers sliding closer to him before curling into a fist. He closes his eyes to shut out the roaring inside his skull, but they snap open when Hoseok talks about kissing him, about wanting to kiss him. Just the idea makes his stomach flip and his heart race and he glances over to see Hoseok hunched in on himself, so small and fragile-looking.

“Holding what in?” manages to ask as he carefully and slowly drops his arm from where it’s been wrapped around his legs to rest his fingers over Hoseok’s. He’s trembling a little, bites his lips as he traces his fingers over Hoseok’s knuckles.



HOSEOK The touch of Jimin’s fingertips over his hand makes Hoseok’s heart stutter in his chest and he unfolds his hand, slipping his fingers between Jimin’s again. He immediately feels better, more grounded, less like he’s going to fly away or shake into particles.

“How I feel,” he answers, and the words feel stupid in his mouth. “How I’ve been feeling,” he tries again, swallowing around the tremor in his voice. “I don’t really have anyone to talk to about everything. I’m always worried my feelings are too selfish, that I’ll hurt people. So I… I hold on until I can’t anymore.”

He’s so close to telling Jimin something he’s never told anyone, it’s right there at the tip of his tongue. But he’d have to admit to lying earlier, even though it was barely a lie, and it’s not a pretty admission at all, not something he can’t help, like a real sickness. He doesn’t know how Jimin would react to it, and the balance between them is fragile enough right now.

“I’m sorry I’m so selfish,” he says, squeezing Jimin’s hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t see how you felt until someone told me to look.”



JIMIN It’s the barest movement, just a slight shift of Hoseok’s fingers to let Jimin’s slide between, but it feels bigger somehow. Like Hoseok’s opening up to him, letting him in. It eases the tension under Jimin’s skin just a little and he lets out a soft breath as he curls their fingers together tightly.

Hoseok’s words make him frown though, brow furrowing as he stares down at their hands.

“You’re not selfish,” he says, squeezing Hoseok’s hand again in an effort to make Hoseok look at him, to meet his eyes. “And you’re not-- I never expected you to want me back. I’m sorry I pulled away, I’m sorry for trying to protect myself. That was selfish. Most of all, I’m sorry I ever made you feel alone — I promise I’ll never do it again even if-- I mean. I know you might not ever feel the way that I do. That’s-- It’s nothing you can help and I know that. I just never want you to feel alone.”



HOSEOK Hoseok’s exhausted, emotionally drained, and he knows Jimin is too. They both keep apologizing and feeling bad for their own feelings and Hoseok wants Jimin to stop feeling guilty, he wants that for himself, too. His heart is still thudding in his chest but it feels a little easier to breathe now that Jimin’s holding his hand.

“It’s okay,” he says gently, rubbing his thumb along the side of one of Jimin’s fingers. “It wasn’t your fault I felt that way. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect yourself.” He’s done the same thing himself, after all, has been doing it for months, keeping his feelings to himself to avoid making people upset with him, only faltering when someone says something that gets past his defenses.

“I like you, Jimin,” he admits softly. “It’s different than before. I’ve been trying not to let myself feel it too much, because I was protecting myself, too.” He pauses to fill his lungs with a deep breath. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I don’t want to lose you. Even if that means I’ll never get the chance to kiss you, as long as you’re still in my life, I’ll be okay.”



JIMIN It’s only three words, such a short sentence: I like you. In another context or another tone, it could be the most heartbreaking sentence in the world, but right now it’s filling all the cold, empty places in Jimin’s heart. Even if it’s not the same as how he feels, even if it never will be, it’s so much more than he ever expected. So much more than he deserves that he can’t help the stupid smile that tugs at his lips.

“I can promise that much, at least,” he says, tucking the idea of Hoseok actually wanting to kiss him into a safe, warm place in his heart. It’s too soon, he thinks. Everything right now feels so tender and fragile and even though Taehyung’s said before that he’d be okay with Jimin kissing Hoseok, he still wants to be careful. Taehyung means too much to be flippant with any of this.

He squeezes Hoseok’s hand again and manages a warmer smile. “I’ll always be in your life, Jung Hoseok. As long as you want me. That I can absolutely promise you.”



HOSEOK Hoseok can hardly process Jimin’s first words, a promise of a kiss, his heart fluttering, racing like it had when Yoongi had agreed to kiss him months ago. But this is better, maybe, because Jimin likes him, Jimin’s in love with him, and he also loves Taehyung, but at least he loves Hoseok too, in the way Hoseok has longed to be loved. It wasn’t that Yoongi didn’t love him, it was that Yoongi’s love was never more than friends and brothers, his heart had belonged entirely to someone else.

It’s almost too much, overwhelming, especially when Jimin smiles. Everything is still new and there are so many questions, but there’s hope there now too, real hope. The kind Jungkook had urged Hoseok to hold onto when they’d talked about Hoseok’s feelings for Yoongi. He hadn’t wanted to then, wanted to stop wanting things he knew he couldn’t have. And Jimin’s been one of those things recently, something he thought he wasn’t allowed to hope for.

But he can now. It’s not smooth and easy, he knows that, it will be complicated and hard, but Hoseok isn’t a stranger to struggle, and this might be the most important thing he’ll have to work hard for.

“I hope you’re okay with always,” he says, his hand shaking in Jimin’s again, but for a different reason now. “I don’t ever want to go anywhere you’re not. Please don’t go anywhere I can’t follow.”



JIMIN Jimin actually laughs then, a short huff of a breath that’s entirely genuine as he leans into Hoseok a little, as though pulled in by gravity. He rests his head on Hoseok’s shoulder for a second, grinning down at their joined hands.

The laugh melts away into a soft, pleasant hum as Hoseok continues. The words feel heavy, but not overbearing. They sound… romantic even. Romantic in a way that makes Jimin ache a little in the best way, make him yearn to be able to promise Hoseok the whole world. And maybe it’s complicated, maybe he’s greedy and selfish and loves too many people, but he’s happy. Right in this very second, even with all the worry still weighing on him, he’s happy.

“Okay,” he agrees, his voice soft as he presses his nose into Hoseok’s shoulder. “Okay, I promise. If you promise the same thing.”



HOSEOK Hoseok can’t help himself when he lifts his hand and cups the back of Jimin’s head, feeling his soft hair, holding him close. He presses a soft kiss to the crown of Jimin’s head, inhaling the scent of Jimin’s hair.

“I promise,” he says, squeezing the back of Jimin’s neck, resting back against his pillows again.

“So, um,” he says, stroking the side of one of Jimin’s fingers with his thumb. “What happens now?”



JIMIN It might be a promise Hoseok can’t keep, but it’s one Jimin thinks he wants to keep in the same way that it is for Jimin and that means… everything. His cheeks flush warm at the soft press of Hoseok’s lips to his hair, he clings tighter to Hoseok’s hand before Hoseok pulls away again.

“I, uh. I don’t know,” he confesses, his mind still whirling. His smile dims as reality slides back in. “I think… I think I need to talk to Tae. But maybe, uh. Maybe not tonight. If that’s okay?”



HOSEOK Hoseok nods. He doesn’t know what this talk will entail exactly, if it means that Jimin wants to be with him, how long it will take before Jimin and Taehyung talk, but he doesn’t feel like he can ask. It’s been over a month since he figured out that Jimin might be the one Jungkook meant, he’s waited this long, didn’t think something like this could ever happen, so he can be patient. He’ll wait as long as Jimin needs. He’s promised Jimin forever, whether that’s as a friend or more, and he it’s a promise he’s going to keep.

“Can, um,” he says, tipping his head to look at Jimin’s face. “Can you still stay?”



JIMIN Hoseok looks so nervous, so so unsure. And Jimin hates that a little even thought he knows there’s no getting around it right now, not with the way things are.

“Yeah,” he says with a small, warm smile. “At least for awhile. I’ll need to leave before my parents wake up, but… yeah. Until then. If that’s okay.”



HOSEOK Hoseok sighs softly in relief, gripping Jimin’s hand tightly. “I always feel better when you’re here,” he says. “I’ve always felt better when I’m with you.”

Now that things are settled, now that he knows that Jimin’s not going to leave him, that Jimin’s okay, Hoseok starts to feel more than what’s in his heart, the slight throbbing in his head, the aching in his ankle, the insistent need to pee.

“Jiminie, um,” he says, shifting a little in the bed. “Can you help me to the bathroom, please?”



JIMIN It’s not a request Jimin’s expecting and, for a moment, it doesn’t register. He blinks stupidly then jolts away with a laugh. “Oh! Right, of course.”

Laughing softly, he lets to of Hoseok’s hand to slide off the bed, then holds it out again so he can help Hoseok to his feet. His cheeks are flushed, but it doesn’t feel bad. He’s flustered and a little anxious, but it’s not a wholly bad feeling. “Sorry, I wasn’t… I guess we kinda got kinda caught up in stuff, huh?”



HOSEOK Hoseok feels a little dizzy when he moves to stand, gripping Jimin’s hand tightly as he puts as little weight as possible on his right leg. It’s hard to believe that just yesterday he felt so alone he didn’t know how to breathe, and now he’s here, holding the hand of someone he likes, someone who likes him back, the exactly opposite of alone.

“It was good stuff,” he says as he leans on Jimin, the two of them hobbling together toward the bathroom. “Not easy, but good.” He closes the door most of the way, wobbling to the toilet on his own, sitting down to pee because it’s easier than standing up right now. After he washes his hands he makes his way back out, catching Jimin’s shoulder again.

“Thank you for being here,” he says, holding on, his eyes locked on Jimin’s. “Thank you for always being here.”



JIMIN Hoseok isn’t in the bathroom for very long, but Jimin spends the entire minute and a half outside the door marveling at everything that’s happened in the past twenty minutes and fighting a smile. He isn’t sure he can believe that any of it is real yet, isn’t sure he can convince himself this isn’t some strange dream.

But it’s still easy to smile when Hoseok exits the bathroom and he reaches out instinctively to rest his hand on Hoseok’s side. “I always will be,” he promises. “No matter what happens.”


CODE BY TESSISAMESS