011419. namjoon & jungkook.

[lovestrippedbare]

WINTER.
January 14, 2019.

WHO jungkook & namjoon
WHAT kalguksu and storytime

WHERE jungkook's house
TIMELINE cycle 1

JUNGKOOK Jungkook wasn't originally planning to invite anyone over for dinner that night. Most of the time, evenings alone with his mother are carefully hoarded by Jungkook - he hovers around her in the kitchen, usually more of a nuisance than a help as she busies herself with prepping ingredients. Something about the ease of her expression on nights like these makes Jungkook think that his mother cherishes these times, too. The world might have become an easier place to live in once his mother remarried, less bills to worry about and less strain on her health, but Jungkook is pretty sure that with the change went some of the intimacy as well.

Still, when Jungkook's mother declares that she's making kalguksu, he can't help but think of Namjoon. It's easy enough to convince his mother to use chicken instead of seafood, and easier still when Jungkook asks whether or not Namjoon can join them for dinner. Jungkook doesn't bring his friends over all that often; it's probably for the best that he doesn't burden his father with it, but he's pretty sure his mom would enjoy having them around more. More boys to dote on, boys who are more receptive to it than Yeongwook ever is.

It turns out to be a good idea. Jungkook's mother gushes over how tall and broad-shouldered their Namjoonie is, how well he eats, how smart he is. If only Jungkook could study half as well, his mother says, and Jungkook can't even find it in himself to be upset when it's just the truth, blooming over instead with pride for his friend. Namjoon is charming enough that he even convinces Jungkook's mother to eat a whole cupcake, frosting and all, and Jungkook can't help but feel an ache in his chest from the warmth of it all. How much he wishes that family could be like this. His mother, his hyungs.

Soon enough, his mother makes her excuses and waves them off to spend some time together, promises not to pry on whatever it is that young boys talk about nowadays. Maybe on any other night, Jungkook might have suggested heading into the wintry night, anything to escape the oppressiveness of his house - but his father's gone, his brother's gone, and the halls feel so much wider as Jungkook leads Namjoon over to his room, hurriedly ducking inside to straighten the blankets a little.

"Sorry, hyung," he laughs, making room for Namjoon to sit. "I should have tidied up first."



NAMJOON Namjoon was bursting with happy feelings. He hadn't been to Jungkook's in a while, and with his mother's immediate warmth towards him, friendly mentions of how he's still growing, pleasant inquiries about how he's doing, Namjoon barely even needed a home cooked meal on top of it all to keep a smile on his face the entire night. With just Jungkook and his mother there, it was easy to chat, to make jokes, to enjoy a family meal together in a way he hasn't experienced since a time he can no longer really remember.

The only struggles he had throughout it all was to keep himself from being emotional. His time spent with Seokjin had been getting him used to the idea of being more open and vulnerable, but it had also softened a lot of the barriers he constructed to keep himself from being overwhelmed with all the complex feelings he carried around. It wasn't really the food itself, but sitting down around a table together, ritualistically, him, a mother, a brother... Namjoon tried to focus on eating until the desire to cry again went away. This prompted more compliments from Jungkook's mom and it was all he could do to keep that wall together until the wave of emotion passed. He had managed to laugh, to his relief.

In another world, in another universe, is it possible that he would be living this life instead?

Everyone always tells Namjoon that he doesn't have to pay or return any favours, but he finds it a satisfying joy to give back kindness when it's gifted to him. Friends of Namjoon's mother who lived in a neighbouring apartment had recently held a birthday party, resulting in an excess of colourfully decorated cupcakes, and Namjoon was pleased that enough polite compliments got Jungkook's mother to allow herself the treat. Aside from the ones Boyeon had stolen away to his room, Namjoon's father couldn't eat them, and his mother hadn't touched them. He really wished she would, and he had to hold himself against another wave of emotion as he watched the cupcake be eaten happily.

With a grin, warm thanks, a polite bow, the two take leave of Jungkook's mother, and Namjoon lets the warm feelings linger in his chest as he follows him to his room.

"Ah, don't even worry about it." Namjoon pats Jungkook on the back before landing heavily in a seated position on the bed. "You should see my room. Or, actually, you probably shouldn't." He laughs and leans back, sighing, elbows resting into the mattress. "Jungkookie, I'm so full! I might have eaten too much but it was so good I didn't want to waste anything. Your mother deserves some sort of award."



JUNGKOOK Any slight embarrassment over the state of Jungkook's room fades away with Namjoon's reassurances; Jungkook can't help but beam when Namjoon flops back on his mattress, looking entirely full and satisfied after the evening's events. Jungkook sits himself down on the mattress, keeping his back prim and straight for all of a second before he gives in, flopping next to Namjoon and wiggling closer for a cuddle. As much as he's been trying to prove himself an adult as of late, Jungkook can't help but give in to the desire for physical affection, and few offer any better than Namjoon, tall and broad as he is.

"I told you that my mom definitely made way too much," Jungkook snickers, a goofy grin on his face as he spreads himself out over the mattress, staring up at the ceiling. "She kept on talking about how she never makes handmade noodles anymore because it's too much trouble, so if she goes to all of that effort, she might as well make more at once. I guess it was a good thing, though. It's nice having hyung over. And mom definitely enjoyed seeing you, too. You even got her to eat dessert! I haven't seen her do that in... months."

Jungkook sits up just a touch, reaching over for a couple of pillows and passing them over to Namjoon before grabbing one for himself, stuffing it in the space between his head and the wall. "It's good that you ate so much. Mom loves it when people enjoy her food," he admits, pursing his lips at the thought of how unappreciative Yeongwook is in comparison.



NAMJOON Namjoon smiles as Jungkook snuggles in next to him. The amount of physical affection Jungkook required was endearing, especially when he tried to be casual about it. Namjoon takes the offered pillow and slips an arm under Jungkook's neck just before he lays back down, hand landing softly on his opposite shoulder. Another pleased sigh escapes.

"Ah, she really protested the cake though, didn't she?" An easy laugh shakes his chest. "I'm really glad she enjoyed it. I wanted to give her something for going through all that trouble for us. There was a lot of food, but worth it. Anyway, I'd be happy to enjoy her dinners anytime. My mom doesn't really cook much anymore, so..."

He regrets it as soon as the words leave his mouth. It was getting much too easy to be open about things he probably shouldn't be. Clearing his throat, he barrels on. "But Seokjin has definitely been spoiling me, too. I'm lucky to know a lot of great cooks."



JUNGKOOK The smile on Jungkook's lips widens, turns into a more gentle expression once he feels Namjoon's warmth all along his side. In moments like this, he finds himself glad to be the maknae. For all the teasing he gets from his hyungs, he's paid at least twice in full by things like this - cuddles, embraces, and the quiet imparting of advice. Jungkook is pretty sure that there's also a simple comfort that comes from having the weight of Namjoon's arm splayed over his body, some sort of security that probably explains the recent trend in weighted blankets. It's hard for anything to feel too daunting when he's wrapped up and safe like this.

"Mom's always trying to stay slim, which I think's a little silly," Jungkook says, pursing his lips in a small grin. He wonders if his mother would care as much about her appearance if his stepfather weren't around - if she'd let herself indulge in a few more sweets, all of the things her son loves. But there's not much point in speculating for long. His stepfather's here. His stepbrother's here. As long as that's the case, his mother will care about certain things, and no amount of dissuasion from Jungkook can wipe that away. His gaze turns over to Namjoon, quietly contemplative over the slight slip.

He could ignore it. Maybe, in some ways, it'd be more considerate to. But the mention of Seokjin also nudges Jungkook in the other direction - some burdens are easier to bear when they're shared, Jungkook remembers.

"I'm glad that hyung spoils you. It's been hard for you at home, right?" Jungkook asks, eyes wide and watchful. "With Boyeon, and..."



NAMJOON "Ah. Well..." Even with his gaze towards the ceiling, he can feel that Jungkook is looking at him with those considerate, careful eyes and Namjoon isn't sure how much he can burden him with. There was a protective instinct in him towards all of them, but it was particularly strong for his younger friends. The idea of Jungkook listening and helping Namjoon with his host of complicated personal issues instead of the other way around felt somehow incorrect -- although, Jungkook had been trying to be a support a lot more lately. Was being around this particular group of people making him want grow up too fast? Or is that just how Jungkook always was?

Regardless, Boyeon had been a noisy issue in the group lately, and maybe it was okay to confirm that. Anyway, he'd complain about his brother all night if it kept the conversation away from any more details of his home life.

Also, you've been quiet all this time, Namjoon.

"Sorry." His smile fell while he drifted into contemplation and then came back again, though a little heavier. "I was just thinking... because I try to avoid talking about Boyeon so much. It makes everyone mad." There's an urge to shift uncomfortably, but Jungkook is laying against him, calm and still, and it keeps him relaxed enough to push the feeling away. "Though it's not like I don't understand it. He's a lot to deal with. But, holding a lot of anger inside often makes a person do things they otherwise wouldn't. Sometimes Taehyungie reminds me of him, actually."

His eyes go wide as he snaps his head in Jungkook's direction. "Aish, do not tell him I said that!"



JUNGKOOK It takes a little too long for Namjoon to reply, and the time elapsed becomes an easy opportunity for Jungkook to watch his slight changes in expression. As much as Jungkook hates that it's the case, catastrophizing has become all too easy over the past few months. Knowing that Hoseok's mother abandoned him before he reached the age of ten. Realizing that Taehyung's father was an abusive drunk. Finding out that Seokjin once relied on makeup to cover undeserved bruises. Learning that there were days when Yoongi felt that not existing would be better, easier, than trying to get to the next day.

And, even if Jimin never went into details, seeing the way that his gaze retreated at times, somewhere deep and buried within.

It's too easy to imagine that there's something more to Namjoon's story than the simple matter of his terrible younger brother. That there must be some other reason why Namjoon's mother never cooks anymore, why Namjoon can't ever seem to turn down a shift. Jungkook's heart stutters for a moment when Namjoon draws the comparison between Boyeon and Taehyung, gaze breaking as he tries to fit the pieces together. Taehyung, who in some ways resembles Boyeon. Taehyung, whom Namjoon seems to cherish most.

"Hyung, don't worry," Jungkook quickly reassures with a shake of his head, hair brushing along his forehead. "I won't say anything to Taehyungie hyung. And... and it doesn't make me mad to hear about Boyeon. I mean, it does - he makes me mad, I think, but - but you can talk about him. I know that stuff like that's always more complicated than it sounds. Especially with brothers."



NAMJOON "Mm, especially with brothers." Namjoon echoes, returning his gaze to the ceiling and tilting his head a bit so he could rest his cheek gently against Jungkook's hair. His thoughts lingered on Taehyung before moving back to Boyeon. He was surprised to find his heart hurting a little at the comparison, usually so calloused from everything he had to do for his brother. There was so much potential for something special in Boyeon, but it was locked down by dissatisfaction, spite, and anger.

"It's easy for everyone to say that I should stop cleaning up after his messes," Namjoon continues before he's too quiet for too long again. "But it's hard when I know him. I live with him, I talk to him, and I know why he does what he does. It's not so simple as leaving him on the side of the road to fend for himself. It wouldn't fix anything." He squeezes Jungkook's shoulder reflexively. "I guess family is just like that."

He presses his lips together for a moment, considering Jungkook's situation. "Though, I don't know how it would be with a stepbrother. If there's that same sort of obligation."



JUNGKOOK With the explanation laid so plainly in front of Jungkook, it's not too difficult to put himself in Namjoon's shoes and get a glimpse of his perspective. Namjoon is the eldest in his family. His parents, for one reason or another, aren't able to pull all of the weight. It's probably instinctive for Namjoon to want to help his dongsaeng, no matter how rough things get. Boyeon is family.

And Jungkook gets the sense that Boyeon didn't initially deserve all of the burdens that family carries.

"I think I understand, a little," Jungkook says, not wanting to pretend that he suddenly has perfect clarity, but hoping to provide empathy where he can. "It's like how I feel about Taehyungie hyung. I know why he goes out. I know why he does those things, and even if... even if it burdens other people, it's not really all his fault, you know? He's just trying to get by."

Jungkook closes his eyes at the gentle squeeze on his shoulder, taking a few deep breaths and wondering how to approach the topic of his brother. He hasn't admitted much to Namjoon, and doesn't feel like he should burden Namjoon with any more than he might already have gleaned through observation alone. But Jungkook also refuses to lie.

"I think the obligation with my stepbrother's a little different, yeah," he finally manages, staring at a spot on the ceiling. "I don't really have to clean up after his messes - not that he really makes messes. It's just, I know he's part of the family that my mom picked, you know? And I have to honor that."



NAMJOON Namjoon gently pulls Jungkook in a little tighter to him as he hears the way he talks about Taehyung, glad that their maknae's desire to be open minded was one of his shining qualities. Namjoon was used to often being in the position of defending people like Taehyung or Boyeon, and it was a relief to hear Jungkook come at the issue logically. "Not enough people consider the why behind things that happen. It makes me happy to always get to see how wise our Jungkookie is."

About Taehyung's home life, he doesn't know the specifics, but he doesn't need to. The fire that consumes him on occasion is the same he sees in his own brother, only it burns stronger, more furious, and could only speak of a deeper, more serious cause behind it. It was upsetting when it made him act out against his friends, even moreso when it made him isolate himself, but Namjoon felt good knowing that at least a few others cared about and understood where it came from.

"Hm." Namjoon scrunches his brow a little as he considers Jungkook's words about his stepbrother. Along the same lines of considering the why, Namjoon wasn't sure if he had any good impressions of Yeongwook, given the little information he had about him. Jungkook didn't speak about his step family much to him, though he knew he would have opened up to people like Jimin or Yoongi, so Namjoon never felt the need to pry. Jungkook was taken care of, and that was all he needed to know to satisfy him.

However, maybe it was because he was here, now, that had him lingering on the thought. Maybe it was because he had enjoyed a happy family meal with Jungkook and his mother, and it occurred to him to wonder why this wasn't something that happened more often. Was it a coincidence that Namjoon has only ever been here when his stepfather and brother were out of the house or otherwise occupied?

"How do you feel about that, though? Honouring that?"



JUNGKOOK Is he wise? Jungkook flushes under the weight of the compliment, not sure whether or not it's one that's fully deserved. Jungkook doesn't always bother digging underneath the surface - he finds himself making hasty assumptions often, even about Taehyung himself. How quick he was to anger, and then how quick he was to lose hope, feeling that Taehyung didn't care enough about the rest of them. Jungkook wants little more than to live up to his hyungs' expectations, to really be the solid, reliable man they all claim he's growing up to be - but sometimes he feels like he's striving for the wrong reasons, that he pushes himself to be accepting and understanding because it's the only way to keep all of his hyungs close.

Even now, he simply slides closer to Namjoon, letting himself indulge in his hyung's warmth.

Turning his thoughts to his family isn't any easier. Jungkook sneaks a glance up at Namjoon, afraid suddenly that his hyung will see through everything. With Namjoon, it tends to be one or the other - sometimes, it's clear that he's off somewhere too distant for the rest of them to reach, caught in thoughts that are constantly shifting and expanding. Other times, Namjoon's gaze feels like it pierces through everything, seeing parts of them that were never intended to meet the light of day.

"I want to make my mother happy," Jungkook says quietly. "And those two, they make her happy. I remember the way mom looked after dad passed away, when it was just the two of us. She always looked sad, even when she was smiling for me. It's not... like that anymore, and that's because of them. I'm grateful for that. I want to be - I want to be better, so that mom can always be happy like this."



NAMJOON Everything his younger friend was saying made sense in isolation, but taken as a whole, something was off. Namjoon didn't know how much he should dig, if it's a topic that makes Jungkook too uncomfortable, or if it would ultimately be good for him to talk about. With Taehyung, he feels like pushing an inch in an undesired direction would start a lockdown, or flight mode. With Jungkook curled up against him, maybe he'll feel more safe, be more receptive.

Namjoon frowns at the ceiling at the thought of anything being wrong in his friend's life, but when he turns to face Jungkook, his gaze is soft. He looks to observe any reactions, ready to abort if need be.

"You want to be better... so you can be better than them, you mean?"



JUNGKOOK Jungkook laughs - a quiet, stilted sound - at the thought of wanting nothing more than to be better than them. Maybe if it were that, everything would be simpler. Instead, it feels like wielding a double-edged blade. If he falls too far behind his hyung, if he completely misses all of his father's expectations, there's no doubt that he'll get blamed for the shame and trouble brought on the family. But if he were to exceed his hyung... what would that even look like? Would getting better grades simply make his hyung resent him even more? Irritate his father for reasons that he can't own in front of his wife?

More and more, Jungkook gets the sense that he doesn't have much space to move. Nothing he can afford to change. It'd be easier if he weren't a part of the equation at all.

"No," he says, pursing his lips and shaking his head. "It's not a competition. And my mom loves me, I'm not like - I'm not complaining about that. I know that sometimes you can love someone so much, but it's still not really enough. I just want to make sure this family is always enough for her."



NAMJOON Namjoon nods. He understands family duties and obligations based on social expectations. He's made of them. He still feels like there's a dynamic he doesn't quite understand, but he doesn't press it. Namjoon wouldn't know how it felt to have another strange, separate family thrust upon him. He can imagine so many complex issues that would come from living like that. "You really care about your mother, and that's really, really good, Kookie. I just hope you get to be happy with everything too, you know?" He gives Jungkook an empathetic smile.

"My mom is--" he turns back to the ceiling and shuts his voice down. He told himself he didn't want to talk more about his home life, but it was just too close. The situations were very different, but in a way, they rubbed up against each other and made it difficult for Namjoon to think of much else. He sighs, giving in, just a bit.

"I understand your position, in a way, though, not exactly. My mom is the reason for almost everything I do." He raises the hand on Jungkook's shoulder in favour of clumsily but gently combing through the side of his hair. "I really try to make sure I keep holding the walls up around her every day. It's also kind of why I need to do a lot for Boyeon. Even if I don't want it and he doesn't want it, she worries over him a lot."



JUNGKOOK Even if he doesn't have the right words to answer, there's sincerity behind the smile Jungkook flashes at his hyung, soft yet bright. It'd be hard to say whether or not his home life makes him happy; Jungkook knows that there's so much to be said for security, both emotional and financial, and there's not a single day where he wishes he could go back to the days before his mom remarried. But whether or not he's happy with his family situation seems less important now that he has such good friends, friends who help Jungkook look forward to every new day. He doesn't see anything wrong with that - letting one aspect of his life spill over and fill spaces where others lack. He's happy.

He's happy, because and in spite of everything.

The smile dims slightly, Jungkook's eyes widening when Namjoon broaches the topic of his own mother. Jungkook's never met her, nor any other member of Namjoon's family; he knows not enough to even form much of a mental picture, and so the opportunity to learn more has him listening raptly. Wanting to understand where it is that Namjoon came from. His eyes only relax slightly at the touch of fingers threading through his hair, lids falling drowsily for a moment before Jungkook catches himself, watches closely again.

"I used to wish that I could do that," Jungkook says softly. "Hold the walls up around my mom. I didn't even... I didn't even have a dongsaeng to think about, either. Namjoon hyung does a lot. I hope your mom appreciates that." He pauses. "And I hope you get to think about yourself more too, hyung. I hope you get to be happy."



NAMJOON He smiles and ruffles his fingers in Jungkook's hair playfully. "I have many, many dongsaengs to think about." Namjoon turns back to face him. His heart is full of warmth and relief at seeing Jungkook smile. Parts of him relaxed -- parts that he didn't realize were tense -- once he was reminded that, even though something felt wrong, Jungkook was here, safe, and happy.

And wasn't there always something wrong? Something imperfect in their lives, some unique burdens that each and every person in the world had to deal with? What was most important to Namjoon was not that his friends had the most perfect of lives, but that they knew where to go whenever it got difficult.

"But I don't mind. It makes me happy when I know you're happy."

Jungkook's eyes are wide and watchful, absorbing anything and everything Namjoon is giving him, like the most attentive of sponges. Namjoon exhales. His experiments in opening up to Seokjin had taught him that the world definitely didn't end if he peeled back a layer or two. Jungkook's interest was written all over his face, and Namjoon wondered if now was the time to try to stop keeping people at arms length -- not that he was about to get into the details he was avoiding, but would it hurt to give Jungkook something?

"I can tell you a story. If you want?"



JUNGKOOK It makes Namjoon happy when he knows they're happy. It's such a simple thought, almost too much so - Jungkook has to wonder if it's really enough to have one's happiness draw from another's. But then, Jungkook remembers how easy it is for negative emotions to fade away when he sees Yoongi's smile; it's not too hard to imagine that Namjoon derives that same sort of satisfaction from seeing the rest of them going about their lives well. Maybe that's part of why Namjoon couldn't promise to Jungkook that he wouldn't go out tagging with Taehyung again - because Taehyung needs that freedom as much as he needs anything else in life.

And to Namjoon, Taehyung's happiness might matter as much as his own, if not more.

He blinks in surprise when Namjoon speaks up again. On the surface level, a story might not sound like much; yet there's something about the way Namjoon exhales, something about the set of his expression and the gentleness of his eyes, that makes Jungkook wonder what he should be reading between the lines.

"I always want to hear hyung's stories," Jungkook murmurs, shifting a little closer, one hand reaching out to rest on Namjoon's chest.



NAMJOON Namjoon smiles softly, shifting a little before resting more comfortably on the bed, and even more comfortable with Jungkook's light touch. With everything in order, the two of them safe and relaxed, he gives his mind permission to unfurl, floating up and away and into the past. His gaze moves to the ceiling, but it's not what he's looking at.

"We were really young, visiting my grandparents in the country. My grandmother had given me this postcard, she probably just had laying around the house, but it was something I really, really liked. It had a picture of this black bird on it, flying upward, really dark against a kind of light yellow sky. Something about it really drew me in and I got absorbed in just looking at it. Not all of the bird was in the frame, and there were these little wispy clouds in the background, barely noticeable, just a little colour variation.

"It was really interesting to me back then, I'm not sure exactly why. It wasn't the type of bird I was familiar with, larger than any I had seen as a kid. I liked inspecting the detail on the feathers, how the wing was spread out, the kind of motion the bird was making to move upward. I guess it sparked my imagination. Where was it going? What was it going away from? What else was in the sky?

"...anyway, Boyeon tore it up. He was jealous he didn't get one, I think. It was really just some random thing my grandmother had in some drawer for years, probably, but, you know, he wanted it. My mom had tried to give him something else but he was already upset and there was nothing that made him feel better except for ripping my thing into pieces.

"I was so, so furious at him. We fought but my parents made us stop and told me to let it go. Be the older brother, be mature and all that. Heol, it was so hard, but I didn't want to get into trouble with them, so I tried to pretend I was actually that mature while thinking over and over again how much I wished he didn't exist."



JUNGKOOK Jungkook has always loved the way Namjoon's words could paint a picture. Sometimes, he feels that the two of them could be halves to a whole in that way - Namjoon's words eliciting emotion, Jungkook's hands turning emotion into color and varied strokes. Even now, as he closes his eyes, he can picture the bird, ebony black and rimmed with a yellow and purple glow, cutting through the softness of mist and cloud. He wonders if he can put such feelings to paper - the sense of adventure, stepping off of the metaphorical cliff. Wonders if there's a part of Namjoon that's always wanted that sort of escape.

Hearing that the postcard was ripped to pieces feels painfully apt.

"They shouldn't have pressured you to let it go," Jungkook murmurs softly, brow knit at the thought. "Maybe if Boyeon apologized, but..." He breathes in, then out, wondering how best to describe the shadows he can already sense creeping up on the story. "Just making you deal, that breeds resentment, right?"



NAMJOON Though his mind is still not in the room exactly, a wry smile creeps across Namjoon's face. "It does breed resentment. Yeah. There was a lot of it over the next few days.

"At some point, Boyeon and I went out in these old woods near my grandparents' just to mess around, explore, get out of the house. We were getting really bored with the whole trip so we went out looking for something interesting or exciting. My grandmother always talked about how there were Dokkaebi around there. Like, these kind of watchful, mischievous goblin type creatures. I think we might have gone to the woods on the off chance we'd find one. We didn't and we just got more bored.

"I think I was distracted by something... looking at some stick bug or butterfly on the ground for far too long. When I looked back up, Boyeon was gone. Just, disappeared. I didn't even hear which direction he went off in. I just hadn't been paying attention at all.

"I called out and ran around the area for a bit, but the longer I was there by myself, the more I started thinking what if...

"What if the Dokkaebi heard all my angry thoughts of how I wished I didn't have a brother? What if he got stolen away because I accidentally asked them to do it? I was terrified. If I went back to my family without him, what would happen? Would they forget about him, or would they somehow know I was the one who made him disappear? I thought about the torn up picture of the bird to try and make myself angry at him again, but I just felt scared and alone."



JUNGKOOK They've all probably said things they regret, Jungkook muses to himself. Even Namjoon - gentle, thoughtful Namjoon, who lingers over his thoughts until he's shaped them just right. It doesn't take long for Jungkook to think of examples in his own life, many of them involving his mother, moments of frustration and anger spilling out in sentiments that were meant to hurt. How he wished she had never gotten remarried. How his father wouldn't have done this, or that. Every single one of them, he would take back if he could, and yet none of them feel like they cut quite to the quick in the way Namjoon's story does.

Little Namjoon, who wondered if those spilling emotions and hasty wishes might have come true.

Namjoon hyung now, who perhaps worries all the same - whether or not any negative thoughts might somehow turn into reality, and how crushing the guilt might be in their wake.

"But you found him," Jungkook murmurs, brow tightly knit.



NAMJOON Namjoon nods. Fingers that had gone still in Jungkook's hair begin moving again.

"I went a little further and I heard his voice yelling and crying, but it was coming from a direction further into the woods than I'd gone before. There was a small hill that went up and then down into a steeper slope, and I couldn't stop thinking that I'd get there and I'd find a goblin house on the other side. And then would I find them roasting my brother for dinner? Or would they grab me and attack me for being a horrible sibling and punish me for all my bad thoughts? I wanted to run away, but even if I went back for help, would the goblins already have torn Boyeon to pieces by that time?

"I didn't know what to do. I had wished for this so badly for days, but now that I had it, it didn't feel at all like I thought it would. Was I really that angry about a picture of a bird that I'd let my brother get eaten by goblins just a few metres away?

"Somehow I moved my feet again and climbed the hill, towards his voice. I really, honestly thought I was going to see Dokkaebi on the other side. It sounds dumb and childish now, but it was a real, genuine fear in my mind. I was terrified but if I wanted him to live, I had no other choice."



JUNGKOOK As Namjoon describes his childhood self wandering and searching, Jungkook's own thoughts begin to roam. It's been a while since he's let himself wish for anything - never the type to wish for anything destructive in the first place. He doesn't think that it's something that can necessarily be attributed to his nature, or any greater sense of maturity. Instead, everything comes back to his father.

How could he have wished for anything to disappear when his father already had? When he knew what it was like for there to suddenly be a void in reality, where a person had once been? Yet, he could feel his heart aching for Namjoon, for the simple peace he had wanted, and the sudden fear that must have seized him upon the possibility of that absence becoming real. Jungkook takes a deep breath, letting his eyes flutter briefly at the sensation of fingers carding through his hair.

"And now you're Boyeon's biggest protector," Jungkook murmurs, blinking his eyes open, his gaze unfocused. Boyeon's protector. His family's protector.

Taehyung's protector, too, more often than not.

"I don't think it sounds dumb and childish," he adds quietly. "Even now."



NAMJOON Namjoon laughs, low and gentle. "But Dokkaebi aren't real." He says, to Jungkook, to his younger self paralyzed at the bottom of a hill, to his current self who searches the shadows of the room, just to be safe.

"They're not real, so, obviously when I ran up and looked down the slope, there were none.

"Boyeon had slipped on some wet leaves while running and fell. I guess he slid down and hit a tree, so he was just sitting against it, holding his leg and making a big fuss. To be fair, I think we found out later that he fractured something or other, but at the time, the sight was a bit anticlimactic for me. Regardless, to this day, the biggest hug he's ever given me was at that time, when I climbed down to get him." He shifts a little, and sighs.

"Later, he found all the pieces of the postcard, brought them to my mom and asked her if it could be fixed. She found scissors and some tape for us and got us to fix it on our own, together. We didn't do the best job, but it worked out. Anyway, my mom likes when we do things like that... When we do things together, even when we don't want to. It was alright, actually."



JUNGKOOK Perhaps it's inevitable with the way Namjoon had brought him up earlier, but Jungkook's imagination fixates on the mending of the postcard, the scene easily shifting away from the forest and down to a crowded subway. To the way Taehyung looked, hunched up by himself on the stairs, backpack slung heavily over his shoulder. Maybe Taehyung hadn't greeted Jungkook with a hug - maybe there wasn't anything physical that Taehyung could have offered to fix - but Jungkook feels that perhaps he understands a little, the sorts of bonds that get forged in moments like this. Love tested as fire tests gold and purifies it.

Jungkook hopes that he can learn Namjoon's patience.

"I wouldn't have expected that," Jungkook murmurs in soft surprise. "That he asked to put the postcard back together... but that's. That's nice, isn't it? I guess sometimes we just need reminders. Whether it's in the form of Dokkaebi or a fractured leg. It's easy to lose sight of what you're working for."



NAMJOON "Yeah, he's like that, kind of sporadic. I mean," Namjoon snickers as he remembers a detail. "To his discredit, he went exploring in the house the next day and found the rest of the collection of postcards. He spent the rest of the trip showing off that he had more than me, but... I thought the repaired one that I had was good enough, so I wasn't so mad."

The corners of Namjoon's mouth turn upwards, listening to Jungkook's words. It always felt calming to hear the observations he comes up with, the different perspectives he tries to see from, so attentive and considerate. It always reassured Namjoon that Jungkook wouldn't turn out like many of his superficial peers. That was Namjoon's main priority. No matter what obstacles or hardships affected his friends, he wanted to ensure that, in the end, they always stayed purely themselves.

"I find that works on both sides. It's good to have a reminder of what you're working for, and it's also good to have a reminder of what you might be taking for granted. That's why Boyeon is always so back and forth, I think. He'll rush into a situation, thinking he knows everything and can do anything, but then something happens and he remembers that it's easier when he's not alone. Then he tries to go back and fix his mistakes, like it makes it better, when he should have just thought of that in the first place. And I..."

Namjoon presses his lips together for a moment, "...Well, I try not to think the way I did anymore. It doesn't feel good. I'm not sure if anyone should be erased, even when... maybe it makes things easier."



JUNGKOOK Jungkook's lips part for a moment before he presses them shut again. It's not hard to think of who he would wish to have disappear, were the choice available to him. It's all too easy to notice how much more freely he breathes in this home when the two of them aren't around. But if there's one thing that Jungkook can say for himself, it's that he's never seriously thought along those lines - never wished for them to fall prey to an accident, never wished for them to vanish. The only hopes he ever pins his heart on are momentary ones. If only his father could have a work party tonight. If only Yeongwook would go out with friends this weekend.

It's never about the long-term, because Jungkook knows that his mother couldn't handle it.

Even in moments of desperation, with blows and punches approaching from every side, Jungkook finds it easier to wish himself away rather than anyone else.

"Does he still... try and fix his mistakes these days?" Jungkook asks, his hand briefly tightening around the fabric of Namjoon's shirt. It feels slightly childish to be curling up this way against his hyung, almost ducking behind Namjoon's physical presence. But maybe for tonight, that's okay. Namjoon's acting as the teacher, after all. "I mean, you still - I know you must still love him, right? In spite of everything."



NAMJOON "Mmm," Namjoon ponders the question for a second before answering. "In a way, yes. It's much less blatant and open now, and he waits to do it only when he's really sure he's screwed up."

He remembers the frantic texts he got from Boyeon the last time Namjoon had to pick him up, scared and scattered, as if there really were goblins. He remembers the money Boyeon had pushed into his hands that night, way more than necessary for the train home. Money Boyeon had put himself into danger to get, money he would usually hoard for himself. But had he made that decision out of thanks, or because he was inebriated? Nowadays it's hard to tell.

Similarly, Boyeon had said he wouldn't tell anyone of his speculations about him and Seokjin. But was that because he was trying to give Namjoon something in cryptic appreciation, or did he really think it wasn't true? Boyeon's history of being clever and sentimental made his actions confusing. If he was a simple cartoon villain, this would be a lot easier.

Jungkook's hand twitches on his shirt, and Namjoon, now fully back in the room after his trip back to his grandmother's house in the country, puts his free arm over his younger friend. Turning slightly toward him, Namjoon gently guides him closer, in towards his chest, giving Jungkook permission to allow himself to be held better, if he wished. They were in Jungkook's home, but Namjoon always felt that, no matter where they were, it never hurt to let his friends feel safe, at least for a bit.

"I'm not sure if 'love' is the word, exactly," he murmurs. "Though, I guess it is a sort of love, even if it doesn't feel like how I'd think. It's more that we have an understanding. A deep, mutual one." He slips his fingers out of Jungkook's hair and idly pats down any strands that he made go awry. "What about your brother? I know he's not exactly your family but, do you guys at least have an understanding?"



JUNGKOOK When Namjoon softly turns away the idea of love, Jungkook feels a slight prickling across his skin. He's not sure why it makes him uneasy. Maybe it's the fact that Namjoon always seems to have an abundance of love and affection for all of his dongsaengs, always has a kind word, is reliable in a way that few people have been in Jungkook's life - and imagining that those connections might also slip into understanding rather than love is a frightening prospect. Maybe it's because, in spite of everything, there's a part of Jungkook's heart that remains naive and rooted in expectations, the part of his heart that thinks no matter how terrible family is to one another, no matter how many mistakes are made, there's still an undercurrent of love that binds them all together.

Perhaps it's foolish to hold such a view, considering everything about his own family. Does Jungkook love his father and his brother? His brain wants to immediately reply - a rattling yes, sharply cut to fit exactly in the spaces left behind when his father passed. But upon further reflection, it's hard. It's harder to feel the words than to say them.

Does that mean it's all a lie?

Jungkook takes the unspoken offer and curls up more closely next to Namjoon; already, he can feel the inkling of guilt. Discussions like this never seem to have a path without. Either he lies to spare worry and concern, or he tells the truth and lays weight where it can't be lifted again. So far, principle has kept him to the latter.

"No," Jungkook replies after a prolonged pause, eyes trained on the fabric of Namjoon's shirt, fingertips gently tracing against the folds. He thinks of all the landed blows, derision and scorn, cold smiles. "I've always been a nuisance to him. He never wanted - there's never been any hole in his heart to fill. I just take away things that should be his. So I try to stay out of his way."



NAMJOON "Ah, I'm sorry, Kookie. I shouldn't have asked." Namjoon feels a sadness wash through him at the answer. He moves a hand over Jungkook's back in a hopefully soothing motion. Yeongwook didn't want a brother, and Jungkook felt like a nuisance. Namjoon could relate more than he thought he would. He thought of Boyeon viciously resisting his help at every step. He thought of times he's driven Taehyung away with his overprotective nature. He hates that Jungkook has to experience those things.

Namjoon has had this feeling before. The feeling that he wanted to, out of sheer force of will, absorb the pain from his friends so that he could deal with the feelings for them. But his will doesn't do that. He has to use his hands and his words.

"You know, at dinner tonight, I was thinking..." He swallows, clears his throat. "It was kind of hard to keep in, with your mother there, but, I was thinking how much I'd-- how it's been a-- hm." How does he say this correctly?

"With your mom there, and you... It felt like, in some other world, I'd be completely happy if that was my family. Does that make sense?"



JUNGKOOK "No, I'm... it's fine that you asked, hyung. I don't want to hide anything from you," Jungkook murmurs, closing his eyes at the feel of Namjoon's hand, large and broad and warm, sliding over his back. In some ways, it's nice to have Namjoon understand a little of what actually happens between these four walls; there are few people in life whose advice Jungkook takes more to heart. There's a certain maturity Namjoon has that makes him feel like the adult of the group, and maybe, though Jungkook has always been loath to admit it, there's a part of him that's been seeking a male role model in his life.

Which is what makes it all that much harder when Namjoon admits to a passing thought, one that Jungkook's visited countless times - of how different life would be, how much happier, if only they had been fortunate enough to be born into the same family.

"Yeah," Jungkook says, shifting slightly away to look Namjoon in the eye. He bites down on his lower lip, and can't quite fight the way his eyes grow wet at the thought. "Yeah, that makes sense. Because I think I'd be completely happy if that was my family, too." He pauses, gaze dropping for a second before it lifts again. "Hyung. You know I love you a lot, right?"



NAMJOON The eyes Namjoon looks into are full. Full to the brim with so many hopes and wishes and desires for good things that just aren't there. He takes a breath to move away the tightness in his chest, and swallows down a growing lump in his throat as he nods in immediate response. This, for once, took no time to think about before answering.

"I know, Kookie." Namjoon holds Jungkook's gaze, even though there were emotions he wasn't sure he wanted to show brewing inside him. It's that feeling again. The one he had at dinner where he could see so easily this being his life. How would things have been if he could talk to his brother like this? How would it be different if he felt this protective about his own family? There was an opportunity for happiness in both of their lives that the world just decided not to give to them, and he hates that it happened to Jungkook infinitely more than he's sad for himself.

But they're here now. At the very least, he's here now.

He moves his hand from Jungkook's back, to the side of his head. "It's okay. I love you too, it's okay."



JUNGKOOK It's okay. When Namjoon says it, Jungkook finds himself believing it. Nothing about the situation is perfect - Namjoon will probably continue shouldering more than he deserves for his family, and Jungkook doesn't expect to receive affection from his stepfather or stepbrother anytime soon. But it's okay, because there are enough bright moments between the dim ones for Jungkook to keep going. Everyone has burdens, Jungkook knows. There's a part of him that suspects, no matter how bad things are for him, that other people throughout the world probably experience just as much pain, if not always in the same form.

Perhaps the most important point is simply not to isolate oneself with it.

Jungkook smiles, because he's happy. Because he had a dinner tonight with a family that he wants, a family that he loves, and that fills him up enough to get through another day.

"Yeah. Maybe things could be better, but I'm glad that I can choose to have you as a hyung. You're my hyung in all the ways that matter," Jungkook says quietly.



NAMJOON Namjoon smiles when Jungkook does. It's as simple as that.

The tension in his chest eases. Things weren't okay for Jungkook with his family, and Namjoon can't change or erase that for him. He also can't absorb his pain, but sometimes he feels like he can clear it away for a while. He's just one person against a very large, very unkind world, after all. He's not a superhero, he's unable to right every wrong that exists. But he's glad he can do his small part to give his friends a safe place to express themselves in a world where they otherwise can't.

"You're my brother, Kookie. In every way, you are." Namjoon nods firmly and pulls Jungkook in to close what distance is left between them, turning the affectionate cuddle into a real hug. "You tell me if you ever need anything, okay? I mean anything, seriously."



JUNGKOOK Learning to lean on other people is still a difficult practice for Jungkook. Too many years spent keeping it all bottled in, he supposes, and too much visibility of other's burdens to really feel comfortable offloading his own. But he understands the sentiment behind Namjoon's words better than he can express - every part of him also wants to be that same support for Namjoon, parts of him that are tempted still to ask more about his home life, to figure out where Jungkook might be able to offer more to help. Sometimes it's enough to know that someone wants to help, Jungkook thinks.

Today, it feels like enough.

Jungkook reaches his arm around Namjoon's body, clinging to his shirt and squeezing tight. Realistically, there will continue to be things that they try to spare one another from knowing. But maybe they got a little closer to sharing it all today.

"I'll let you know," Jungkook nods firmly. "And you tell me too, okay? You don't get a free pass just because you're a hyung."



NAMJOON Namjoon laughs softly, ruffling Jungkook's hair when he pulls back. "You don't let me get away with anything, huh? Our Jungkookie is too observant."

He smiles, but in his mind, he's thinking of his father. Jungkook had already experienced the pain of loss, something Namjoon himself hasn't, but fears he will. He wonders how appropriate it would be to talk to Jungkook about his worries. Would it help, or would it just expose his friend to hurt that he wouldn't choose to go through again?

It's hard to decide. The idea of leaning on Jungkook instead of vice versa was still a concept he was unsure of, though he knows it's possible. Opening up, however slightly, to Seokjin lately has taught him how much more manageable things could be. He's aware that cramming all of his daily stresses inside of him is unsustainable, but still he's hesitant.

For today, he thinks, he's at least made a step, and could make another with a promise right now.

"I'll tell you if I need anything, Kookie." He nods, his smile, warm. "Thank you."



JUNGKOOK It doesn't take someone very observant, Jungkook thinks, to notice that there's something off about Namjoon's home life. But to say as much feels like it'd be burdening in its own right, perhaps even callous. It makes Jungkook wonder how much all the others might have noticed about Jungkook's own familial matters - at bare minimum, he assumes it's obvious that he's only ever been eager to introduce them to his mother. He never talks about spending time with his hyung at home.

Maybe all of his hyungs have noticed that already, too.

There's a flicker of something that passes over Namjoon's expression, though Jungkook isn't quite sure if he can pin his finger on what it is. Perhaps Namjoon is weighing whether or not to share more. Perhaps Namjoon is trying to determine how strong Jungkook is, how reliable he can be. Or maybe the judgment is less of Jungkook, and more of Namjoon himself.

Jungkook doesn't push. It's already enough, he thinks, that they've had this talk tonight - and he hopes it'll open the door for more.

"You'd better," he settles on saying, offering a slightly lopsided smile in return. "...thank you for coming over tonight, hyung. The house feels like more of a home with you here."



NAMJOON "Ah, Kookie." Namjoon shifts and makes a pained noise, though his smile remains. He wishes so badly that this could be his life in some form. Jungkook knows that now -- feels the same, even -- so it felt okay to express it. It was a happy thing, but Namjoon's heart twists the more Jungkook mentions it.

His hands move to the backs of Jungkook's shoulders and he can't help but look downward, away from Jungkook's admiring, appreciative gaze. "Thanks for inviting me at all. I... this was really, really nice." He takes a breath, looks back up. "It feels like a home here."

It feels like a home to Jungkook now, as opposed to something worse during regular days. Namjoon liked being able to make Jungkook feel this happy and safe, but at some point, he'll have to leave. At some point, Namjoon will leave and Jungkook will have to go back to dealing with whatever goes on in this house alone.

"You're gonna be alright?" He asks. Half a statement, half question.



JUNGKOOK When Namjoon's gaze drops, Jungkook feels a small twist in his chest. It tightens even further when Namjoon mentions that it feels like a home here - when Jungkook knows that both of them wish that home could always feel like this, warm and supportive and safe. But it'll have to be enough for now to have occasional dinners like this, ports in the storm. To hang on for another few years until they're freed from their obligations.

If they're freed from their obligations. Something tells Jungkook that Namjoon's solution won't come as smoothly and neatly as Jungkook's own wait for high school graduation.

Jungkook straightens a little in Namjoon's embrace, his eyes subconsciously skirting down to their feet, then up at Namjoon's face. Quietly assessing how much more he'd have to grow until his shoulders might be as wide. Until he might be able to bear as much weight for Namjoon as his hyung does for him.

"I'll be alright," Jungkook confirms. Believes it, for now.

They have to be alright.


CODE BY TESSISAMESS