051721. jimin & jungkook.

[lovestrippedbare]

SPRING.
May 17, 2021.

WHO jimin & jungkook
WHAT catching up

WHERE hoseok's apartment
TIMELINE cycle 5

JUNGKOOK These days, Jungkook finds himself completely restless by the time the bell rings to signal the end of class. Everything feels a little less important now that entrance exams are long past and university acceptances are already in hand; school feels like little more than an exercise in routine, with even the teachers relaxing the load of homework and assignments doled out to their students. Jungkook is one of the first to slip out of the classroom doors, rushing on down to the foot lockers to retrieve his shoes, flicking haphazardly through his phone to catch up on SNS.

That's when he sees Jimin's tweet. I don't know where I fit anymore.

At first, all he offers is a soft reassurance, not wanting to press. He intends to leave it at that, he really does - it doesn't escape Jungkook that two years is an inescapably long amount of time, not to be easily bridged through a kind word alone. But then he wonders if it would be nicer for Jimin to at least have the opportunity to see each one of his friends outside of the darkness and urgency of his escape two days ago. Some feelings don't translate well through text, after all.

Which is how he ends up at Hoseok's doorstep, chewing briefly on his lower lip before he gently knocks on the door.



JIMIN With Hoseok out working, Jimin's left alone in his place. There isn't much to do besides read the few books Hoseok has laying around, but if there's anything Jimin's mastered in the last several, several months, it's how to deal with boredom.

The sound of a knock at the door startles him and, for a second, he's tempted to not answer. What if it's the landlord? Will Hoseok get in trouble if Jimin's found here? Will he be kicked out?

Indecision wars inside him for a long moment before he finally flips the lock and eases the door open just a little bit, enough to peek through. "Oh," he breathes, surprised to find Jungkook on the other side. Somehow, he manages to relax and go all tense at the same time as he takes a half a step back, pulling the door with him. "Hoseok's at work right now," he explains. "Do you want to wait for him?"



JUNGKOOK It takes a second for Jungkook to react. For all that he had been hoping to meet with Jimin, he also expected that Hoseok would be the one to answer the door, that perhaps they'd have a few moments to talk about how Jimin's doing before Jungkook stepped inside the apartment. But no, it's Jimin himself who answers - and at first, all Jungkook can do is stare. Two nights ago had felt almost like a dream in its frenzy, more attention paid to the nurses and guards roaming about, and all of them dispersing quickly before the reality of Jimin's escape could really sink in. But now, in broad daylight, somehow Jimin feels all the more real.

He's really here, and suddenly, Jungkook smiles - wide and guileless, a little shy for the way his eyes tear up just a touch.

"Actually, I wanted to see you, hyung," he says, ducking his head briefly. "That okay?"



JIMIN Jungkook's smile is blinding and, despite the constant turmoil in his brain, Jimin finds the corners of his mouth lifting just a little as he lets out a soft breath and nods, silently inviting Jungkook in.

"You can just-- sit anywhere," he says, waving one useless arm toward the couch as he closes the door and clicks the lock. He feels weirdly nervous, like he needs to play host in an apartment that isn't his. He wipes his palm across the thigh of his jeans and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. "Do you want a drink?"



JUNGKOOK Jungkook carefully removes his shoes and considers Jimin's question. On the one hand, getting a drink might be a way for Jimin to keep himself occupied and feel useful. On the other, Jungkook doesn't want to force his hyung into a position of constantly looking out for others.

"Nah, I'm good," he decides, padding gently into the apartment and plopping himself down on the couch, curling his legs onto the cushions and glancing at Jimin. "Sit with me, hyung? I've really... really missed you."



JIMIN Some part of him is strangely disappointed at Jungkook's response. At least getting him a drink would have given Jimin something to do, some means of being useful as well as distracting him from the general awkwardness of... everything.

But Jungkook is at least still smiling as he drops down onto the couch. Carefully, Jimin sits on the opposite end, setting aside the book he'd been reading as he brings his legs up onto the cushions, sitting criss-cross with his hands in his lap.

"Did you just get out of class?" he asks, nodding at Jungkook's book bag.



JUNGKOOK The mood isn't as light and easy as it used to be, but Jungkook expected that. Time has a way of being cruel to everyone, and Jungkook's sure that no matter how subtle it might feel to them individually, the changes that have slowly accumulated over the years must be jarring to Jimin, his own experiences notwithstanding. For Jungkook's part, he knows that in Jimin's absence, he became - reckless, perhaps. More fights, trespassing, close calls with the police. Things he never would have done with Jimin still around.

When Jimin sits on the opposite end of the couch, Jungkook shifts, hooking his legs over the armrest and laying back until his head lies a few centimeters away from Jimin's knee. Not touching, because - because he's not sure if Jimin's ready. But keeping himself within reach, in case Jimin is.

"Yeah. Been skipping yaja now, since it's close to the end of the school year," Jungkook nods. "I'm still shit at math."



JIMIN Jungkook sprawls out easily, taking up more than half of the couch, his head tipped up toward the ceiling. Jimin looks down at him, at the fall of dark hair over his forehead and notices, not for the first time, all the ways Jungkook has changed over the past several months. His face is leaner now, his nose doesn't look quite so big on his face.

He's still as beautiful as ever, but older now. Grown.

Jimin's missed... so much.

"I'd offer to help but I'm really out of practice," he admits with a faint, sheepish sort of smile as he stares down at his hands, picking at the seam at the ankle of his jeans. "Are you... Did you get into a university?" Are you going away? is what he means, but doesn't ask.



JUNGKOOK There's a flutter of hope that rises quickly in Jungkook's chest. He's learned how to pick certain things out in conversation; mentions of the future still manage to trigger a sense of optimism in spite of everything that's happened. Or maybe because of it. That any of them could go through the experiences that they've had, and still hold a curiosity for the future, feels like enough reason to keep trying.

"Yeah, if you can believe it," Jungkook admits, wrinkling his nose. "I only applied to places in Seoul. And the schools that I got into aren't very good. But I didn't really want to think about going anywhere else." His gaze focuses on Jimin's face again - his complexion has lightened, cheeks a little less full. The color of his eyes feels different - or maybe Jungkook's memories have faded; it's hard to know which.

For a moment, Namjoon's words echo in Jungkook's mind - that sometimes, it's better not to ask questions, for fear of calling attention to the pain. But it's hard not to know. (Does Jimin still trust Jungkook, the way he used to?) "...are you happy to be out, Jimin-ah?" Jungkook asks quietly, without weight or expectation in his voice.



JIMIN It doesn't matter, he reminds himself. Doesn't matter whether or not Jungkook plans to stay in Seoul. Nothing is the same as it used to be and never will be. There's every chance he'll be right back in the hospital soon, that he'll finally be there for good. This is only a blip in his reality, a cruel reminder of everything he'll never have.

And, even so, he can't help but be glad. Why, he isn't sure. What difference does it make to him whether or not Jungkook leaves?

He glances up at the question, brow furrowing at the look of open curiosity on Jungkook's face. His shoulders sag a little as he bites at his bottom lip, hating himself all over again for how disappointing he is, how he's no longer the person Jungkook probably remembers, the person he was hoping to bring back into the world.

"I don't know," he finally manages after a long moment. He lets out a breath then, his chest aching. "That's not really a good answer, is it? I'm sorry."



JUNGKOOK "No, don't be sorry," Jungkook says quietly, pausing briefly before he sits up and scoots closer to Jimin. "It's an honest answer. That makes it a really good one."

He wonders how much he should share. Two years ago, Jungkook would have shared everything, and without reserve. About all the times he made his way to the rooftop of the tallest building in the area, distancing himself from passersby. About all the times he held out a hand, a foot, feeling the void of the darkness surrounding his body and wanting little more than to throw himself into it. It's not that he wants to burden anyone, but he's found - with Namjoon, with Yoongi - that sometimes the solidarity of knowing the demons in their minds helped to stave off a sense of isolation.

"More than anything, I want you to be happy," Jungkook adds, his words slower and measured. "But I know it's hard to be sometimes." Jungkook glances over, laying his hand on his own knee, palm facing the ceiling and fingers relaxed. "Can I hold your hand, hyung?"



JIMIN Jimin doesn’t like the sound of that if he’s honest, doesn’t like that Jungkook knows how hard it can be to be happy. That’s now how it’s supposed to work at all. If there’s anyone who deserves to be happy, it’s Jungkook.

But Jimin is pretty sure he knows why it’s so hard. Even if Yoongi’s back it’s not like it used to and probably never will be. Everything is so messed up. So broken.

He glances down at Jungkook’s hand, palm up and fingers loose. His own fingers twitch at the urge to touch, but he holds himself back. He’s taken so much from Hoseok since he got out of the hospital, has soaked up so much touch and physical affection, his body starved for it. Is it right for him to take more?

But Jungkook’s asking and, at the heart of things, Jimin’s always been selfish.

Slowly, he reaches forward, lightly grazing his fingers along Jungkook’s open palm as he whispers, “I’m sorry you’ve been unhappy. Do you… is there anything I can do?”



JUNGKOOK The brush of Jimin's fingers against his palm is light, but permission enough, Jungkook thinks, to reach out and fully twine their fingers together. He's pretty sure that his memories of holding Jimin's hand had been fading, but now they're all triggered again in full - a deep familiarity that leads his thumb to know exactly where to trace along Jimin's fingers and knuckles. He squeezes it gently. A soft reminder to Jimin that he's not alone.

"Having you back is really nice," Jungkook says after some hesitation. The last thing that he wants is for Jimin to stay around out of some sense of guilt; he's seen, after all, the kind of anguish that it can cause to be held back for that reason. His lips remain parted as he sifts through his thoughts. "I know you've been away for so long that things are - things are different, but." Jungkook's brow furrows as he glances to the side, trying to meet Jimin's gaze. "I feel. More complete, with you here. It wasn't - wasn't right for any of us, with you gone. So just that... makes me happier."

He lets out a soft huff of air, shaking his head. "My head's pretty messed up these days. I made a promise to talk to someone about it."



JIMIN Things are different. That’s putting it mildly, Jimin thinks. Even with Yoongi and Namjoon and Seokjin back, things feel fractured. Splintered.

Or maybe it’s just him, maybe he’s seeing things that aren’t there. Maybe it’s Jimin who’s the fractured one, a splintered person with sharp parts and missing pieces who just doesn’t fit anymore. Who doesn’t belong.

Jungkook’s words are a balm and Jimin closes his eyes as he breathes them in, wonders if anyone besides Hoseok or Jungkook feels the same way. He’s barely spoken to Taehyung since he came back, too afraid to find just how shattered he really is. Because he knows things are different there too, knows that in the time Jimin was gone, Taehyung was able to find the happiness he’s always wanted most.

“Who?” he asks, wanting to focus on Jungkook right now. “Do you want to talk to me?”



JUNGKOOK "A therapist, maybe," Jungkook says, careful to keep his voice as even as he can, a more subdued smile on his lips. There's a certain skepticism that comes with the idea - Jungkook isn't honestly sure how much it'll help to talk to someone who's a stranger, no matter how experienced they may be. And Jimin, more than anyone, might be proof of the futility. Two years, and they never let him out. Two years, and they thought keeping him contained was the best way. How is Jungkook supposed to trust an institution like that?

(And yet, desperation leads him to want to explore the option. If he goes, so will Yoongi. Three and a half months. Jungkook has a promise of three and a half months, and he's still trying to find ways to lengthen the road.)

He pulls in a deep breath, then decides to throw a little caution to the wind. Lets go of Jimin's hand only briefly, stretching his arm out behind Jimin and wrapping it around Jimin's shoulders, hoping to coax him closer. "Of course I want to talk to you," Jungkook confesses, his words little more than a murmur. "You're... I never feel like I have to hide anything from you, hyung."



JIMIN In theory, it's probably a good idea. That's what all the doctors would say anyway, that's what all of Jimin's doctors had said. After all, he'd had multiple appointments a week back in the hospital in a relentless effort to get him to talk about things, help them understand what it is that triggers his brain to seize like it does.

None of it had helped, really. But they'd medicated him, kept him calm. Kept him from feeling anything at all.

Jungkook shifts against him, letting go of Jimin's hand only long enough to curl an arm around him instead, pulling him closer. And Jimin lets himself be pulled, lets himself selfishly settle into the warmth of Jungkook's embrace. (He's gotten big, he's gotten so BIG.)

"What do you need to tell me?" he asks, keeping his head down, focused on the knee of Jungkook's pants.



JUNGKOOK Now that he's faced with the question, Jungkook finds himself at a loss, thoughts rushing and coursing through his mind. There's so much that he wants to tell Jimin - about all the times, in the middle of a busy street, that Taehyung would suddenly stop in his tracks, vision growing distant. About the times Jungkook paused by the entrance of the burger shop, hand poised at the handle but unable to bring himself to open it. How his mother's gaze no longer carries that pride and tenderness that it used to; how his father had given up on the family before Jungkook was old enough to know how to hold him back. How panicked Namjoon was, his hands shaking as he felt himself pulled between people who needed him. The blaze of Yoongi's fire, the sharp scent of gasoline as it hit the nose.

How Jungkook was almost selfish enough to leave.

He holds onto Jimin instead, carefully turning until he's able to press his nose against Jimin's hair. For a few moments, he simply breathes. "Sometimes living feels too hard," he finally admits. "And I wish it could all stop. It's not - it's not all the time, and I'm not going to, to..." Jungkook heaves a sigh, closing his eyes and swallowing, his throat feeling tight.



JIMIN Jungkook’s breath is warm against his temple, his every exhale making Jimin’s hair flutter. Jimin keeps his hand to himself though he aches to reach out for Jungkook’s, to lace their fingers like they used, like it was no big deal.

But maybe it’s better like this, better without that. He’s focusing on Jungkook right now, on the few words he’s saying, but also on what he’s leaving out. He doesn’t miss the catch in Jungkook’s voice, the pain seeping out of him and Jimin’s heart clenches, aching beneath his ribcage as he finally gives in to find Jungkook’s hand between them, holding on tight.

“You’re not allowed to leave,” he says, his voice barely more than a whisper. He could say that he he feels it too, that he understands all too well the crushing weight of existing. But he doesn’t. This isn’t about him. “Okay? Do you hear me? You’re not allowed.”



JUNGKOOK Little by little, Jungkook thinks, the tethers are returning to tie him down. In the year and a half that Jimin was gone - when almost everyone was gone - every day had felt like it was subject to whim, letting the wind take him wherever it chose, whatever the path of least resistance was. And though it might have sounded romantic in theory, in reality it only served to sap the vibrancy out of his days. Everything stopped mattering. Moving from one day to the next felt like a chore.

But in having the people he loves return to him, Jungkook feels like there's finally reason to fight. To care what happens a month, a year, a decade from now. In some ways, it's a daunting shift of mindset. Suddenly, Jungkook is remembering what it's like to be afraid - and so he squeezes Jimin's hand back and presses his lips briefly to Jimin's temple, all the gratitude for his hyung's return poured into that touch.

"I know," he says thickly with a small nod. "I gotta listen to what Park Jimin says. 'Cause he's the cutest, and the cutest one always gets the final say."



JIMIN The grip of Jungkook’s hand around his is comforting, the touch one of mutual understanding as much as it is agreement. Maybe Jimin doesn’t have to say how deeply he understands what Jungkook’s saying, maybe it can just be there between them, two lost boys trying to find their way in the world after losing too much.

His lips twitch into a faint grin then and he lets out a breath of a laugh. “Definitely not the cutest,” he says. “Not anymore.”

In all honesty, he’s not sure sure which of them it would be anymore. Too much has happened in the past several months, too much that Jimin doesn’t know or understand. They’re not the same people anymore, Jimin least of all.



JUNGKOOK "Definitely still the cutest," Jungkook retorts immediately, heartened by the sound of Jimin's laugh, however faint it is. He wraps his other arm around Jimin now as well, hands still intertwined as Jungkook tries to pull his hyung closer, almost as though to tug him entirely in Jungkook's lap. They'll never be able to go back entirely to how things were two years ago, but Jungkook finds that his heart aches from the familiarity nonetheless. It's not an entirely painful feeling.

"Perfect size, perfect smile. Maybe could use a few face masks - and I haven't seen yet how much hyung's butt has held up," Jungkook lists off the virtues, one after another. "But ah, Jimin-ah, the rest of us look so ragged now. It's not even a contest anymore."



JIMIN None of that is right, of course. Jimin's never been the perfect size and that hasn't changed any. He doesn't have the perfect smile, either and hardly has much to smile about anymore anyway. Maybe he should now that he's outside of the hospital, but he knows it's only a matter of time before he's back in. This is just a brief interlude, a bit of stolen time.

"What do you mean you look ragged?" he asks, lips curling into a faint frown as he cocks his head at Jungkook. "You all just look older now. Not in a bad way! Just... you're growing up. That doesn't mean you're ragged."



JUNGKOOK Jungkook smiles, his gaze briefly lowering to his lap before he meets Jimin's gaze. If Jimin hasn't spotted the fatigue in all of them yet, maybe it's just been too long for him to remember the way they all used to look. Sometimes, Jungkook pulls up old photos on his phone, on his computer - he can see the way that the years have sunk into all of them, even Jimin himself included. Maybe 'ragged' is a little unfair. But the age is there, and Jungkook only finds himself wishing that it wasn't so hard-earned.

"Maybe I just feel like it, then. I see dark circles every time I look in the mirror," Jungkook reasons, lifting his free hand to brush some of Jimin's hair off to the side, exposing his forehead. "Doesn't change my opinion, though. I really missed this cute face." Jungkook gently pinches one of Jimin's cheeks, hoping to coax out a smile.



JIMIN To some extent, Jimin feels he can understand that. He's had circles under his own eyes for years now, but he thinks he was probably just born with them, just like he was born wrong in every other way.

It doesn't make sense applied to Jungkook though and his frown deepens as he cocks his head.

"You're beautiful, Kookie. You always have been." It's said simply because it is simple. It always has been. Jungkook's fingertips are light against Jimin's forehead then, but Jimin manages not to shiver, manages to keep his eyes locked on Jungkook's even when Jungkook pinches at Jimin's face. He shrugs him off quickly, shaking his head. "Is it worse now?" he asks, watching Jungkook carefully. "With Yoongi hyung back, I mean. Is it worse?"



JUNGKOOK "If I'm beautiful, then so are you," Jungkook says plainly. He remembers how they used to spend so much time denying whatever the others saw in them, remembers all the ugly selfies he used to take to disprove Jimin's point. Now, Jungkook finds that he's less interested in downplaying any virtues his hyungs see in him, more intent instead on trying to show them all he sees. "At least to me - but to others, too. Bet Hoseokie hyung thinks so. Tae, too." Jungkook tilts his head, briefly wondering how Taehyung feels now - surely not able to get nearly as much time with Jimin as he'd like. But adjusting takes time.

His brow furrows slightly at Jimin's question, lips parting. It strikes him now that Jimin probably still lacks all the context behind Yoongi's return - that he probably never noticed the bandages hidden underneath Yoongi's clothes, either. It's hard to know what Hoseok might have told Jimin by now, but Jungkook imagines it can't be the whole story. "It's not... worse," Jungkook says, pausing to consider his words. "I'm happier with him back. But I guess it's also - you know, all of our lives are so complicated. I watch where I step more than I used to. I worry more than I used to. About what'll happen next."



JIMIN It's another untruth. Jungkook's beauty stands alone, is no more tied to Jimin as it is to anyone else. He simply is regardless of what he thinks of Jimin's appearance. Maybe Jimin had been cute or even pretty at one time, but he's not the boy he used to be, not the boy he once wanted so badly to be. He hasn't danced for real in over a year, hasn't tended to his skin care or even really brushed his hair. What's the point when no one's going to look anyway?

And he doesn't much know who he is anymore.

The mention of Tae makes something ugly twist in his belly, but he doesn't acknowledge it now, doesn't know how. There's too much shame and fear and self-loathing tied into it, too much he doesn't want to drag Taehyung into. He's already disrupted too much by being around, much less by wanting things that aren't his to have.

It's easier to focus on Jungkook for now, on the question he seems to be grappling with. His frown only deepens. "About him leaving again," he says bluntly. "Did he ever even tell you where he went? Or why?"



JUNGKOOK Where so much of their conversation has been quiet and hesitant, Jimin's tone feels sharp when they're on the topic of Yoongi. Jungkook isn't entirely surprised - Jimin had been angrier than anyone else on Jungkook's behalf, when Yoongi left. And without having a similar amount of time that the others have had to adjust to Yoongi's return, Jungkook's sure that the change is a jarring one.

"Not leaving like that," Jungkook says softly, a slight flush rising to his cheeks. Jimin might not be the only one who thinks that Jungkook's forgiven Yoongi too quickly, allowed things to return to the way they were too hastily, but his feedback is the most direct; Jungkook falters under it, feeling a slight tinge of shame. "He actually never left Seoul. Just never reached out, because he was - he was embarrassed at the way he was living, and about the fact that he couldn't support me, and. He was afraid that he'd ruined things forever with everyone. That everyone would hate him forever for leaving."



JIMIN "That's such bullshit," Jimin says before Jungkook's even finished, already shaking his head. "Why did he run in the first place if he was worried about not being able to support you? There's no reason he had to go. And it's not like you needed him to support you. You're still in school! You have your parents!"

His voice is rising with every word and Jimin immediately and instinctively clamps his mouth shut and hunches his shoulders. Back in the hospital, he would have been reprimanded by now, would have had to apologize with a soft, placating tone or risk being sent to his room or receiving a shot.

Even without figures in white looming over him, he forces himself to breathe and soften his voice.

"Even if he was embarrassed about things with you, he could have at least said something to one of us," he continues after a long moment, his words barely a whisper now. And wounded. "I know it's not the same, but you're not the only one who cared about him." But you're the only one he cared about, apparently, goes unsaid.



JUNGKOOK Jungkook flinches, entire body tensing under the weight of Jimin's words, though he does his best not to pull away - especially when Jimin's shoulders drop, shifting only to accommodate deep breaths. Jungkook's going about this all wrong, he knows - he's not explaining things well, he's not getting the point across. It should be Yoongi sitting here with Jimin, should be Yoongi explaining himself, like he has with all the others. Even Taehyung was able to let his own anger go, Jungkook thinks. Left for Jungkook to explain, he can only imagine the resentment growing worse.

"He shouldn't have left without saying anything," Jungkook agrees with a nod. "And I don't think he was - I don't think it was rational, what he did. Or how he stayed away for so long. He's talked to people though, since coming back. Hoseokie hyung, Taehyung..." He pulls in a breath, wondering if he should even mention Namjoon, considering everything that happened the previous evening; it feels like too much to explain. "And he really wanted to help get you out of the hospital."



JIMIN There’s no surprise in Jungkook defending Yoongi so furiously, of course. Jimin would expect nothing less. But it only makes him makes him more upset because he can’t honestly imagine Yoongi fighting so hard for Jungkook, can’t imagine Yoongi fighting so hard for anyone.

“Hoseokie showed me the group chat,” he says with a derisive huff. He doesn’t mention that he’d noticed very little input from Yoongi in the whole thing, doesn’t mention that his biggest worry had apparently been about whether or not he could eat the cake they brought. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things at all; there’s been no question in Jimin’s mind for two years now that Min Yoongi doesn’t particularly care whether or not Jimin even exists.

“Are we supposed to just forgive and forget now that he’s talked to some people?” he responds instead, doubt heavy in his voice. “I mean--” he starts again, his voice once again softer. “I know you love him, Kookie. I know. But how do you know he won’t do it again?”



JUNGKOOK Jimin's words remind Jungkook so strongly of the phone call he'd had with Taehyung, shortly after Namjoon's return, that it makes Jungkook's chest ache. These are the wounds that time has allowed to fester, and Jungkook's learned better than to expect that brushing them under the rug will do any good. He also knows that his own tendency to forgive, to doggedly push on and leave matters in the past, has gotten him into trouble. He still wonders if Yoongi would ever have been pushed into starting that fire, had Jungkook not been so keen on pursuing their future together, ignorant of all the scars that remained from the past.

"You don't have to forgive him, hyung," Jungkook says, his tone no less sincere for being somber and quiet. "And you definitely don't have to forget. I haven't. I still..." Jungkook blinks, glancing off to the side. "I still worry sometimes that Namjoon hyung will have to vanish again for his family, or that Jin hyung will realize that he's better off in California. I worry that you'll want to go back to the hospital." He lets out a breath. "I guess I can't really know if Yoongi will ever leave again, but I also can't - I can't let myself think that way, you know? Because I want to trust him, but also because I don't know how I'll make it if he does."



JIMIN Jungkook looks away, blinking quickly, and Jimin’s stomach sinks with guilt. Regardless of what Jungkook’s saying, Jimin knows he’ll be upset if Jimin doesn’t find a way to forgive him. Some part of him even wants to, aching to find a way back to when they’d all been so close, when it really had been the seven of them against the world.

But Jimin can’t help feeling like it’s Yoongi who ruined that, Yoongi who’d decided they weren’t worth it.

“You’re worth more than that,” Jimin finally manages after a long moment, carefully reaching to curl his hand around Jungkook’s. His own fingers are small but he holds on tight and ducks his head to meet Jungkook’s eyes. “You deserve more than just hoping the person you love more than anything loves you enough to stay.”



JUNGKOOK Faced directly with Jimin's gaze, Jungkook finds himself unable to tear his own away. He closes his fist as small as he can, finding comfort in the way that Jimin's fingers spread over his knuckles, but the breaths that he takes are uneven. Eventually, Jungkook closes the distance by pressing their foreheads together, keeping them close enough that he can't quite focus on Jimin's features. It's easier that way to get the words out.

"He tried to kill himself by setting his motel room on fire," Jungkook whispers. It's been two weeks, and his emotions are still tangled on the subject - guilt still wraps around his gut, holds his chest like a vice. But no matter what Jungkook may have done that helped Yoongi fall over the edge, he also knows that there's something deeper buried there, something that's been in existence since long before Yoongi met any of them. His face pales slightly. This is so much to be sharing with Jimin - it wasn't his intention, he didn't come here to unload the burdens on his hyung's shoulders. "I don't think that's about how much he loves me. Or any of us."



JIMIN He isn’t expecting Jungkook to lean in, his own eyes widening and breath catching as they’re pressed forehead to forehead. His heart is pounding and he holds his breath, waiting as Jungkook takes an uneven breath.

What he’s expecting to hear, he isn’t sure. Whatever it might have been, it’s not at all what Jungkook tells him.

Jimin’s blood goes cold, stomach sinking to his toes.

“What… why?” he asks because it doesn’t make any sense. “He came back just to do that?”



JUNGKOOK "No. No," Jungkook says with a quick shake of his head, pulling back until they're able to meet gazes again. "He definitely didn't come back for - he didn't come back for that. He just."

Jungkook takes another breath, resting his free hand atop of the one Jimin's wrapped around his own, keeping them anchored, as though he might be able to will Jimin into understanding.

"He stopped wanting to live at some point," Jungkook murmurs, his fingers fidgeting. "And then once he was back, he didn't want - he didn't want to drag me down. He thought I'd be better off without him, that he's broken and messed up and that he was only going to make things worse for me, and he wanted. Things to stop hurting so much." Jungkook glances up at the ceiling, heaving a deeper sigh. None of his words are coming out right; he doesn't feel like he's getting the point across well at all. "Sometimes it feels like the only way out, you know? To just... stop. Everything."



JIMIN It’s not as though Jimin doesn’t understand those feelings, not like he hadn’t given up on living more than once while in the hospital. He’d been stopped every time and then finally pumped full of enough drugs that he couldn’t have hurt himself even if he’d wanted to.

But he does get it, wanting to give up. On everything.

There’s a difference between Jimin’s situation and Yoongi’s though, he thinks. Jimin never chose to leave.

“That’s so stupid,” Jimin says after a moment, shaking his head again though he doesn’t once look away from Jungkook. “It was stupid that he left, stupid that he stayed gone, and then… then to come back just so he can give up again? Did he try to make you find him, too? How can he keep doing this to you, Kookie?”



JUNGKOOK There are times now when Jungkook's mind almost slips and falters, told too many times that it's his fault for being caught in the situations he's in. Weighed down by all the times his mother told him that he should be able to push past the malaise, that there's no excuse for slowly giving up in the way that he did over the past two years. The barbs that Yoongi threw at him in the heat of their fight, how he must be coming back to Yoongi because he's some kind of glutton for punishment. How Taehyung was the first one who found out about Jungkook's relationship with his stepfather, and his incredulity over the fact that Jungkook never fought back.

Now, Jimin asks how Yoongi keeps doing this to Jungkook, and all Jungkook hears is an implied accusation - that Jungkook just lets things happen to him. Over and over again.

His chest twists. He could defend Yoongi again, let Jimin know that Yoongi never expected - never wanted - for Jungkook to find him. But the effort feels futile right now. Instead, Jungkook licks his lips. "Do you think I'm being pathetic, Jimin-ah?" he asks, throat tight. "But what else am I supposed to do when I love him so much?"



JIMIN The helpless, aching tone of Jungkook's voice is like a barb beneath Jimin's rib cage. It catches and snags, yanks until it can pierce Jimin's heart in just that perfect way.

"Fuck," Jimin breathes, anger dissipating immediately into guilt as he shifts his weight, rolling to get to his knees and reaching out to cup Jungkook's jaw as he bends down. "No. Fuck, I'm sorry. Kookie, that's not what I meant." He brushes his thumbs along Jungkook's cheeks, so much less squishy now than they'd been before, all lean and thinned out to make room for the man he's becoming.

"You're not pathetic," he continues, forcing Jungkook to look at him. "You're not. But you deserve so much more than you let yourself take from other people. Me included, I think. You deserve so much."



JUNGKOOK Jungkook's cheeks begin to burn as soon as Jimin's palms settle against them, shame twisting in his gut. This visit was supposed to be happy. He's not naive enough to think that they'll be able to jump right back to the old days, when the two of them could simply sit and enjoy a couple bottles of soju, when the worst of their problems involved bitching about parents and teachers. But still, having Jimin back is something that Jungkook is more grateful for than he can quite express - and the way that Jimin looks at him now, the way that he touches Jungkook, only feels like further proof of that.

There's a sentiment that Jungkook hears a lot from his hyungs. That he deserves more, that he has so much potential. Jungkook's never quite understood it; it always feels like their hopes are pinned on the wrong person. All he has is the fact that he's young. There's never been anything about him that's more brilliant or deserving than anything else.

These days, he wonders if the reason everyone has hopes for him is because they've stopped having the ability to hope for themselves.

"All I want is to have my hyungs," Jungkook admits, his brow knit, blinking quickly to stop himself from crying. "All I want is for everyone to be happy. I don't need anything else. I don't know about deserving anything, I just..." He lifts a hand, gently pressing a palm to the back of Jimin's as he takes another shuddering breath. "I really missed you, Jimin-ah."



JIMIN That's too much to ask for, Jimin thinks. For them all to be happy. Have they ever all been happy, either separately or together? Is that even something they're capable of achieving?

Before, Jimin used to dream about being happy, about what it would take, and tt always involved leaving. Escaping. Running away. But maybe that's not the key at all. Maybe there is no key.

Still frowning, still aching, Jimin leans up to press a kiss to the center of Jungkook's forehead. Something about it feels instinctive despite the fact that the only person he's even been remotely physical with in the last many, many, many months is Hoseok. But he's always been physically affectionate with Jungkook and maybe there's a chasm of time between them now, but it still feels natural to want to pull Jungkook close and keep him safe.

"I missed you too," he whispers, still brushing his fingers along Jungkook's cheeks. "And we're here now, we're all here."

There's no telling how long any of them will stay, but it's true nonetheless. For now.



JUNGKOOK It's been years since Jimin last dropped a kiss to Jungkook's forehead, but immediately the action is achingly familiar, Jungkook letting out a wavering breath at the touch. He closes his eyes, and everything feels like it falls into place. Things were already broken before they lost Jimin, and they still feel broken now, though it's mending. Feels like it's mending faster now with Jimin around, though Jungkook's chest hasn't entirely let go of its tightness, his lips still pulled taut with worry.

"Sorry it took us so long," Jungkook says quietly, shoulders slightly hunched before he leans further against his hyung, turning until he's able to get both arms around Jimin. Nothing else matters as much right now. There will be time to talk about the lingering worries and resentment, time to wonder about how exactly they can fit together again. But right now, Jungkook finds himself overwhelmed with the fact that for the first time in well over a year, he has Jimin - has proof, solid and tangible, that Jimin is breathing and alive. "Should've gotten you out sooner. Hospital wouldn't tell us shit when we asked."



JIMIN Despite the solid, comforting warmth of Jungkook’s arms around him, Jimin still instinctively goes a little tense at the mention of the hospital. It’s strange, maybe. After all, it’s not as though they haven’t already been talking around it, not as though it hasn’t been on the forefront of everyone’s mind anytime they’re around Jimin. (At least that isn’t often.)

But it’s one thing to know it’s there and another to talk about it.

He forces himself to relax a little, letting out a breath as he shakes his head. “It’s not your fault,” he says, his voice little more than a murmur as he offers a shrug. He doesn’t pull from Jungkook’s embrace, however. “I really didn’t think I’d see any of you ever again, so.”



JUNGKOOK Jimin absolves the rest of them of blame, and on some level, Jungkook knows that he's right. It's not like they could have wrestled any additional information out of the hospital, not having any legal right to Jimin's personal information. And Jimin's parents have never been forthcoming with any single one of their group. But Jungkook still feels a heavy pit of guilt in his stomach, because the fact that they did eventually find Jimin seems to suggest that they might have been able to do so earlier, with a little bit of luck and a few more tries.

Jungkook really never expected that Jimin would be sequestered away for so long.

"I thought that maybe your parents decided to move away," Jungkook murmurs, bringing his hand to Jimin's back and brushing down the line of his spine. "'Cause I know you moved before and stuff, and you've got family in Busan... and I couldn't remember the hanja for your parents' names."



JIMIN "You don't have to explain anything," Jimin replies, his voice barely more than a whisper. Because, oddly, it almost sounds like Jungkook's making up excuses even though, rationally, Jimin knows that isn't the case at all. It's not that he doesn't believe that Jungkook tried to find him and more as though, well. Is there really any reason he should have? This isn't where he belongs, it never has been.

Still, the weight of Jungkook's hand on his back is like a balm. No one had really touched him in the hospital, not beyond restraining him or mending his wounds. No one ever wanted to touch him just to touch, to hug, to feel any form of companionship.

Jimin's never realized how badly he missed such a simple thing.

"Did you look for hyung?" he asks, voice still soft. "Or did you stop after awhile?"


CODE BY TESSISAMESS