051319. jungkook & namjoon.

[lovestrippedbare]

SPRING.
May 13, 2019.

WHO jungkook & namjoon
WHAT withholding a secret

WHERE classroom
TIMELINE cycle 1

NAMJOON This week was going to be awful.

His attempt to tell Hoseok about his situation on the weekend had gone nowhere, and now Namjoon wonders exactly how much of a coward he really is... but maybe that train of thought was because of Boyeon. He's slumped in a chair of the currently empty classroom staring at his recent texts, writing and erasing and trying to craft the right words to respond to his angry brother, trying to find something to say that will make things feel better for at least one of them. But Namjoon takes too long and Boyeon is too far into his fury and the texts just keep coming. He tries not to read the words that fly up on his screen, even though he knows what they say, anyway.

I don't know how to make this better anymore

He thinks it, and he texts it. It doesn't help anything, but it's the only thought he has about the situation right now. He locks his phone, lays it on the desk, only for it to immediately light up with notifications again. Namjoon doesn't read them. Instead, he folds his arms on the desk and rests his head inside of the space he makes for himself, wanting only to see darkness, and barely aware that anyone's entered the room.



JUNGKOOK Even though Jungkook knows that it's a risk to visit the classroom, he finds himself drawn to the space regardless. He's not sure what it is - a longing for companionship perhaps, or a surge of rebelliousness that refuses to let their safe space go - but either way, he visits the classroom every single day, even if it's only to take a peek inside between classes. And every time he enters, finding the space untouched, makes it a little easier to breathe.

Jungkook's never been very good about letting things go.

Today, he's rewarded for his efforts by the actual presence of one of his hyungs - Namjoon specifically, easily identified by the long legs that stretch out from chair to floor. Maybe a touch by the slouch of his shoulders as well. The fact that Namjoon doesn't immediately respond to the creak of the door tells Jungkook that his hyung must be especially tired, might even be asleep, so he steps carefully until he reaches the side of Namjoon's desk.

After a pause, he reaches out and threads his fingers gently through Namjoon's hair.



NAMJOON It's a soft touch but Namjoon, so buried in his own dark world, wasn't expecting it and it jolts him back to Earth. He raises his head quickly, eyes wide only to relax again once he sees who it is.

"Ah, Kookie. Hi, sorry." He props his elbows up on the desk and rubs his face with both hands, suddenly aware of how ragged he must look. He had worked a very long shift the day before, wanting to get some benefit from his last day there, and he didn't get to sleep much when he had gotten home; he had made the mistake of trying to talk to Boyeon before bed. Their argument was draining, and the fact that it continued into the school day made it even moreso. A quick peek through his fingers and his phone lets him know that he has '9+ Notifications' from his brother, all surely about things Namjoon didn't want to think about, and ideas that he refused to entertain.

Swallowing a groan, he flips his phone face down and dares to look up at Jungkook, unsure how much of his trials were written on his face. "How're you doing? How's class?"



JUNGKOOK With Namjoon's phone on the desk, it's hard to miss the flurry of notifications that continue to ping the phone, as well as the name behind the texts - Boyeon. There's much about the relationship between Namjoon and Boyeon that Jungkook still neither sees nor understands, but he gets the feeling that Boyeon wouldn't be bothering Namjoon if all were well. That he wouldn't be bothering Namjoon if there wasn't something that he wanted from his hyung - something that, right now, it doesn't look like Namjoon has the energy to provide.

When the phone gets turned over, display down, Jungkook decides that it's probably not his place to comment on Boyeon specifically. Not unless he's invited. Instead, he drags one of the spare chairs in the room a little closer, until he's able to sit directly across from Namjoon, gaze worried and hand reaching out once more to card through Namjoon's hair.

"Why are you apologizing, hyung?" Jungkook smiles, his lips slightly crooked. "This room's a place where we all come to rest, right? It's okay. I'm okay, and class is... class." He pauses, letting his hand slide over to Namjoon's shoulder and kneading lightly against the tension. "Things are tough, huh?"



NAMJOON Namjoon closes his eyes at Jungkook's touch, bowing his head a little. It felt a little wrong, letting himself be comforted by someone he usually wanted to be protecting from these kinds of painful things, and guilt finds its way into the mixture of troubling emotions he was already trying hard to keep down.

"Nah, it's, uh..." He raises his head and attempts a smile but it wavers quickly and, having neither the strength nor will to maintain it, it doesn't last for more than a second before it falls and he has to drop his head into his hands again, to recover. Namjoon tries not to get frustrated with himself, knowing he was dealing with too many feelings in one moment already, but it was a struggle. Jungkook was there, watching him, and his instinct is to hold himself together, to put on a brave, reassuring face, but he just can't find one. Instead, Namjoon finds that he's going to be unable to look like a hyung today, and it's a little difficult for him to accept that.

He takes a long inhale, avoiding Jungkook's eyes when he puts his hands down and reaches for his phone once more, daring to take a peek at his last messages.

i dont even understand why youre going along with moms bullshit because YOU KNOW SHES WRONG
BUT YOU NEVER FUCKING LISTEN TO ME
ok SHE might be out of her mind but YOU KNOW THAT HE

The rant went on, but Namjoon found his eyes squeezing shut instinctively at a certain point, and slamming his phone back onto the desk, face down again. He rests there for a second before he sags in his seat, remembering Jungkook.

"Boyeon's mad at me." His voice comes out quiet, as if he only had half the energy for speaking than he normally did. "It's okay, though. I'm mad at me too."



JUNGKOOK Namjoon's smile flickers, and with it, a curtain almost seems to fall between the two of them, shielding Jungkook's existence from view. Jungkook finds that he doesn't even have the time to be upset, instead taking in the view as much as he can - the way Namjoon draws in a deep breath, the way there's suddenly a need for him to look at his phone. Is he waiting for bad news? Suddenly, all that Jungkook can remember is the way his mom sat in front of their phone, late at night, after she'd been gone all day for reasons no one would share with him. How she had jumped when the phone rang, her hands quickly scrambling for and gripping at the receiver, and-

-the slam of the phone startles Jungkook, shoulders raised around his jaw while he looks on with wide eyes, barely daring to breathe.

The comparisons his mind draws fade, and Jungkook slowly relaxes as he watches the weight settle back onto Namjoon's shoulders. Boyeon's angry, so it can't be - Jungkook won't even let himself think it - but Boyeon would be relieved, not mad, so this must be something else. Jungkook's hands grasp each other tightly, lacking anything else for purchase.

"What happened?" Jungkook asks after a pause. Too much of the picture remains blank for him to come up with anything else. "Why are you mad at yourself, hyung?"



NAMJOON "Because I agree with him."

Namjoon slouches further in his chair, still avoiding eye contact. He feels pathetic, detestable, and it's compounded feeling Jungkook's wide, searching eyes on him, hoping to find any way to be helpful. There's too much to explain and it's all horrible and he's not sure if he could even begin without crumbling. With the way he is now, he feels as if being pushed an inch in any direction would send him falling apart and he can't let himself do that. Not in front of Jungkook.

Unfortunately, he can't lie to him very much right now, either.

"I'm sorry, Jungkookie, but don't--" He hangs his head and shakes it. "I know it looks bad, but if you could try not to worry about it... This will go away."



JUNGKOOK Jungkook's not convinced. He's no more convinced that Namjoon's problems will go away than he is convinced that his father's abuse will stop while he's still part of the household. But he also hears the way Namjoon's voice sounds, thin and almost defeated, and he wonders if any more pressure might simply cause Namjoon to fall apart. Lacking the words, Jungkook reaches out for Namjoon's hand, trying his best to lace their fingers together.

A few seconds pass before the silence is too much, and Jungkook shakes his head.

"I don't know if I can promise not to worry about it, hyung, but you don't have to tell me anything if you can't," Jungkook says, his gaze briefly skirting to the desk, only because it seems difficult for Namjoon to lift his own. "Hyung, it's been - you've been going through a lot lately, right? You can tell me, you know. Even if all you want me to do is listen, you can tell me things, if it might make things even a little bit better."



NAMJOON Namjoon's mouth twists uncomfortably, his eyes scanning the wood of the desk's surface as he wonders how, how, how does he spare Jungkook from this? It's not a new situation, it's not the first time he's had to sit across from Jungkook's caring, hopeful expression, so eager to prove himself, and somehow figure out a way to lessen, deflect, or to dampen the things he thinks he help carry. It's not the first time Namjoon has had to protect Jungkook from Namjoon, but today was the hardest of all. Fittingly, he thinks.

"I can't," he rasps through a tight throat. He keeps one hand linked with Jungkook's while the other runs fingers through his hair, pushing it back, out of his face, just for it to fall again. "It's... your hyung is a very bad person. Especially lately."

Namjoon closes his eyes, not knowing where else to look but needing to retreat as he tries to say more. "There's something I want to wish for. Something I think I want, but it's not good. I'm worried that if I say it out loud, it'll come true and then..." He finds the courage to look back up at Jungkook. He'll have to understand, right? "And then I'll deeply regret it, you know?"



JUNGKOOK It's not hard to put the pieces together. Not hard to guess what it is that Namjoon longs for, when all of them have seen the greater and greater toll that Namjoon's home life has taken on him over the months, how it suddenly took an even sharper turn starting this past winter. Maybe it should be so much easier for the idea to repulse Jungkook, having lost his own father so young, having wished so many nights that they could take it all back and have his father with him now. Just a different route home. A different time. Anything to avoid happening across that driver.

But Jungkook doesn't judge at all. It's different, wanting a healthy parent to return. It's different, wanting a parent who was present, and happy, and supportive. Jungkook's seen enough of the toll that his hyungs' home lives have taken on them to know that nothing is as simple as it would be written. Is it so bad to wish that the death of a suffering parent might come sooner? Isn't that merciful, in its own way? (Of course, Jungkook understands as well - that to put a voice to such a thought would be damning, a crushing guilt that Namjoon likely already feels creeping up his skin.)

He squeezes Namjoon's hand.

"Then don't say it out loud. But... hyung, having that wish doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you a bad person at all. No more than thinking about the Dokkaebi did," Jungkook says quietly, his thumb brushing up and over Namjoon's knuckle, sweeping back and forth.



NAMJOON "I don't know." Namjoon's eyes dart away when Jungkook refers to the childhood story he had told him months ago. It shouldn't feel this way, but even after all this time he's still not used to being this vulnerable to many of his closest friends. There's something like fear, perhaps, that Jungkook can access undefended parts of him. Fear that shouldn't be there because, after all, it's Jungkook. In his mind, Namjoon throws another handful of guilt into the existing mix.

"I haven't been doing any of the things I should be doing. The things that are important, I've just..." He finds that he can let his eyes rest on their hands on the desk. As much as he wants to hide from this, he's still grasping Jungkook's hand like a lifeline. "I don't have time for everything, and I try to do everything at once, and then everything gets neglected. My mom, Boyeon, school, you guys..."

"And the thing is--" He tilts his head, his body feeling heavy and still, but his thoughts have found some words that don't feel crushing to share. "The thing is that it doesn't really matter if I say it out loud and make it real or not. Either way, something really bad is going to happen and..."

Namjoon's voice loses its momentum as his train of thought launches off a cliff, into the void below. Either way it goes, he's not sure how to deal with it, how he can continue to hold everyone together. He's not sure if he can.



JUNGKOOK There's an immediate temptation to insist that everyone's fine, that the group will be fine without Namjoon's supervision, but a twinge of both guilt and uncertainty keeps the words from slipping from Jungkook's lips. How many times had he already turned to Namjoon when Taehyung was floundering? How much relief had Jungkook already taken from the few moments Namjoon could spare? Jungkook could tell Namjoon to stop shouldering the needs of all of them, to lift that burden for a while, and yet there's fear that collects in the back of Jungkook's mind at the thought.

If Namjoon really were to drop that connection, their group would be incomplete.

"Everyone knows that you're trying to do so much more than any one person could do," he says instead, words slightly rushed to brush by that guilt of being unable to let his hyung go. Jungkook's brow furrows, small and sharp inhales passing through his teeth as Namjoon's fatigue draws out the opposite in him, a restlessness that he's not sure any conversation can tame. "No one, no one should be blaming you if you can't do it all, hyung. You shouldn't be blaming yourself. You can lean on us, you know? Maybe we can't solve everything or stop the bad things from happening but - with your mom, Boyeon, things at home, if we all just pitch in, I'm sure there's gotta be something we can do."



NAMJOON Why is it that these words, of all things, manage to draw out a smile on Namjoon's face? It's a light, sad smile that knows there is only one answer to Jungkook's question, but maybe it's just the knowledge that he'd try that makes him feel a little lighter. That was the blessing and the curse, wasn't it? That they'd try for him.

"Kookie." Namjoon loosens his grip on Jungkook's hand, only to slide his own overtop of his. He's already seeing the stress leaking across the space between them, from Namjoon and into Jungkook, so he covers his hand, gently pressing his fingers down to cancel Jungkook's building fidget and hopefully bring his attention back to reality. He looks into his eyes for a moment before shaking his head. "I don't know that there's much you can do."

It feels too final, and it's not what Jungkook's looking for. Jungkook, who was selflessly searching every avenue in his mind to try and find something to help. "Sorry, I don't mean to be difficult," Namjoon sighs "Honestly, it is a comfort just to hear you say that, but... I wouldn't want to hurt you by exposing you to all this. And anyway, it'll go away sometime. Everything passes eventually, right?"



JUNGKOOK While Jungkook isn't sure what he's done to deserve the smile, perhaps what's more troubling are the words that follow. He's sure that Namjoon is wrong, that simply being exposed to whatever's going on, whatever trials Namjoon has, can't hurt them. Right? He wracks his brain, trying to think of things that would hurt. If Namjoon himself were sick, perhaps. If Namjoon was being forced by someone to do things against his will - not in the way that he is now, where reluctance is there but his sense of responsibility weighs out, but truly against his will. Like the bruises that Jungkook sustains, or the things Jimin's told Jungkook about his past, about a teacher who abused his power in every way fathomable.

Those would hurt. But Jungkook's eyes rove over Namjoon's face, and he finds no bruises. Who in Namjoon's family would dare hurt him, anyway? His father's too ill, his mother too reliant, and Boyeon - well, perhaps Boyeon's landed punches before, but there was a certain equivalence in those fights that made it more okay. He thinks of the hugs Namjoon gives, strong and steady, and Jungkook just can't imagine what it'd be that would hurt them so much.

"Are you just saying this because, because of my dad?" Jungkook asks, his tone not quite accusing, but only just. "Because you saw what happened to me and you can't - I won't let you guys do something about it? But... when you asked, I didn't hide, right? What is it that could be so bad that you can't even talk to us, hyung? Maybe it'll pass, but we don't want you to be - we don't want you to be alone in it, you know?"



NAMJOON "I have to go."
Just say that, just tell him that you have to leave them.
Tell him you're leaving and you don't know for how long and that every moment away is going to be worse than your time at home.
He wants you to say it, just open your mouth and say it.

"W-wait." It's the only thing that escapes his lips and it's barely audible as Jungkook goes on, every new question tugging painfully at his heart. If Jungkook was frustrated, Namjoon deserved it. But knowing he deserved it didn't stop him from feeling like his head was under water.

Just say it.
Tell him that it's your fault, too, while you're at it.
Tell him that you maybe could have stopped this but you decided to hide like a coward instead. You might as well.

He opens his mouth to protest some of Jungkook's statements but nothing comes out. Namjoon's eyes dart across the room, his gaze zig-zagging around the space before it returns back to Jungkook, sitting across from him, face intent and expectant. Namjoon feels a tight pain just under his ribs and it grows by the second.

He wants you to tell him that you're abandoning them, so just do it.

His mouth keeps trying to form words but there's nothing behind them. There's no way to stop seeing the image of Jungkook's shocked and disappointed face upon hearing the truth in his mind's eye and he wished it would go away so that he could use those parts of his brain for other things; other things like figuring out how to stop upsetting his friend.

"It's not that, Kookie, it... It's not because you..."

He struggles for another moment before the anxiety in his chest becomes too great. He slides his feet on the ground, sending his chair a foot backwards from the desk, his hand slipping off of Jungkook's, and that's where he stops, head hanging, staring at his feet, knowing the only ending to this is disappointment.



JUNGKOOK Of all the things that could have happened, Jungkook never imagined this. Somewhere during that tumble of words from Jungkook's lips, something in Namjoon breaks, and it's not until the sound of his voice quiets that Jungkook notices. (Stupid. he's always stupid, slow on the uptake. Shouldn't have pushed. Sometimes wounds need to be left alone.)

His face pales as soon as Namjoon's hands slide away from Jungkook's own. This isn't the Namjoon he's known, steady and strong, able to weather everything that the rest of them can't. This isn't the Namjoon that all of them expect so much of - no matter how many times he may have implied that he shoulders too much, that he doesn't have time, there's always the expectation that he'll emerge again in their classroom, ready with a smile and a hug. And that's when it strikes Jungkook at last, that maybe this is how they're all too much. Because whether or not they express it in the same way as Namjoon's family, all of them expect him to be there.

For him to be their hyung.

"I-I'm sorry," Jungkook stammers, his face still tingling, and he's not sure whether or not he should reach out, whether or not physically being by Namjoon's side would be even worse when he's just asked for space. All he knows is that Namjoon looks small. Smaller than Jungkook remembers him ever looking before. "Hyung, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have... it wasn't my place to yell at you. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."



NAMJOON What should he have done?

His shoulders heave as Namjoon takes a breath, trying to maintain a steady rhythm. He couldn't explain himself to Jungkook, nor could he leave him entirely. His feet stick to the floor, toying with the idea of standing up, but his upper body was hanging too heavily to allow it. Regret and hatred flow through his blood, but what should he have done? No matter what options he has, this only ends in some variation of the same bad feeling.

Once again, he can't save Jungkook. He can't save either of the people in this room.

His eyes still on his feet, he manages to shake his head slowly. "No, it's okay. It's me, I know already. I understand why." His voice slid out, low and battered, mostly from himself, by his own thoughts. "I'm not... I don't think I'm Kim Namjoon. Not lately." He lets his fingers slip from the edge of the desk before folding them in his lap. "It's been happening slowly for a while now, so I'm the one that's sorry. I don't mean to be difficult, Kookie. You don't deserve whoever this is."



JUNGKOOK This feels familiar.

Jungkook thinks of all the afternoons he's spent with Yoongi, the ones where it's all he can do to keep Yoongi from slipping into the darkness. Times when his smiles won't come, no matter how much Jungkook tries to coax them out of him. In those moments, all that Jungkook can do is be there and remind Yoongi that he's not going to leave or desert him, that Yoongi's struggles don't change the way Jungkook feels about him - even when Yoongi hardly feels like himself.

That's all the reminder Jungkook needs - I don't think I'm Kim Namjoon - to stand up, closing the distance between the both of them once more, gaze determined behind furrowed brows. "You're still Kim Namjoon. You are, hyung. But you don't always have to try to be strong or... or there for everyone. Sometimes it's okay to take a break," Jungkook says, crouching down right next to Namjoon's chair. "Don't be sorry for that. You're always my precious hyung, even when you don't feel like yourself. Even when you can't be there for us."



NAMJOON Namjoon looks up when Jungkook rises from his seat, but then finds himself squeezing his eyes shut against a sudden stinging sensation that appears at the words he says when he comes closer. A stinging that mirrors the feeling of his nails currently digging into his clutched palms in his lap.

Will you still be his precious hyung when you leave? Will you still be when you come back? Or will things be different, then?

"I don't know that I can take a break. Not yet, at least. And even then, still..." He lets his fists loosen, and dares to open his eyes a little.

"You know, over the past year, there have been times where I thought I wanted a break. There were times I thought that were the hardest things I've had to deal with." He thinks back to Seokjin, sitting sad and alone at the kitchen table, avoiding his eyes. He thinks back to meeting Jungkook at the gas station, trying to apologize for his mistakes. He thinks back to texts from Taehyung that had meant nothing but at the same time felt like the worst, most lonely feelings he'd ever experience. He thinks about fighting Boyeon, over and over, and then having to face his friends afterwards.

Namjoon looks Jungkook in the face, not at all concerned about how wet his lashes are now. Why his mouth turns up into a melancholy smile now, he's not sure, but it's probably something like a defence mechanism. "This is the hardest one, Jungkookie."



JUNGKOOK The hardest one? Something more than an emergency hospital stay, worse than not having the time for his friends, worse than showing up with bruises and cuts from fights he can't claim any amount of pride from. Perhaps Namjoon's father doesn't want to fight anymore? Perhaps what passes for a life is no longer worth the struggle, and now the rest of his family are left to pick up the pieces. (But no, that can't be it, right? Namjoon mentioned, only moments ago, wanting to wish for something that he's afraid he'll regret hoping for. So that can't be it either, it can't be so simple.)

Maybe the exercise of trying to pinpoint what exactly it is that Namjoon fears is a pointless one, not worth the time when right now, Namjoon's sitting right in front of him, hurting. Jungkook lets out a small exhale, standing at full height again and walking closer, until he can wrap a hand gently around the back of Namjoon's head and pull him close.

"It'll be okay, hyung," Jungkook says softly, even as his skin thrums and his heart pounds against his ribcage. He cards his fingers carefully through Namjoon's hair, wondering why it feels like his hyung is searching for forgiveness. "Whatever you have to do... it'll be okay."



NAMJOON It feels wrong. Feels weak, selfish almost, but Namjoon's accepted his label as a coward this week, and maybe this is just how cowards act and feel.

He shouldn't be leaning on Jungkook of all people, but he can't possibly make any move to leave his seat, and it's so easy to let Jungkook pull him in, to let his eyes defocus as his temple meets his chest. It's easy to allow the careful fingers in his hair work to detangle some of the intricate knots of stress that hung inside of him, and to let his shoulders sag. It was easier, now, to breathe. Maybe this was more difficult to allow when he had pride, but cowards don't.

"I hope so." Namjoon practically whispers, but in his mind he begs and pleads for it to be okay in the end. Jungkook's positive, optimistic thinking wasn't quite Namjoon's method, usually, but it felt nice for now to hear the words, and to let himself think it.

The best thing that could happen would be that he'll come back in a few weeks and everyone will call him stupid for worrying about them. The best case is that he's being paranoid, like he always is.

Somehow he finds the strength to raise his arms, creeping his hands up the middle of Jungkook's back to somehow return the embrace.

"Thank you, Kookie."

I'm so, so sorry.



JUNGKOOK What has Jungkook really done here? He feels ineffectual, arms wrapped around his hyung's shoulders, hand continuing to weave through Namjoon's hair. Jungkook still doesn't have any clearer of a picture of what it is that haunts Namjoon, no idea whether or not he might be able to help if he did. Namjoon was exhausted when Jungkook came in the door, but now he seems so much more torn, and Jungkook wonders if it was really worth dragging Namjoon through the mental exercise with no guaranteed relief.

What could it be? A terminal diagnosis? Needing to withdraw from school to support the family full-time? (So close, they're so close to graduation that Jungkook has to hope that isn't it.)

Jungkook wonders if Namjoon will show up for class the next day. But it no longer feels like his place to ask.

"I love you, hyung."


CODE BY TESSISAMESS