022519. hoseok & jimin.

[lovestrippedbare]

WINTER.
February 25, 2019.

WHO hoseok & jimin
WHAT reaffirming relationships

WHERE dance studio
TIMELINE cycle 1

JIMIN Jimin’s concentration is completely shot after his text conversation with Hoseok. What had started out as a sweet, even flirty exchange had taken a turn at some point and Jimin isn’t at all sure how or why. He has no idea what he’s done wrong, but it’s obvious it’s something bad, can only hope it’s nothing something awful enough for Hoseok to break up with him.

He finishes practice on shaky legs, his heart buried in his stomach and his limbs barely working before he quickly changes back into his sweats and coat and outdoor shoes.

Hoseok’s already waiting for him by the time he’s done and Jimin pulls his backpack over his shoulder as he nears, taking in the upset on Hoseok’s face for only a second before nodding toward the door. “Maybe, uhm… while we walk?”



HOSEOK Hoseok nods back, hat pulled down low on his head, hands buried in his coat pockets. He moves to the door first, taking one hand out of his pocket to open it for Jimin, following him out into the cold and tucking his hand away again hastily.

Fog billows out in front of his face as he breathes, trying to decide how he wants to start this conversation. It came up when he was texting Jungkook earlier today, and the tone of Taehyung’s one reply on twitter brought the worry back in full force, though from a different place this time. A worse one.

What Hoseok feels is something like regret; if he’d kept his mouth shut a couple of weeks ago this wouldn’t be happening. Jimin and Taehyung would still be happy together, and Hoseok would be lonely and aching to be loved, but he’s lived his whole life feeling that way. It wouldn’t have been a new kind of hurt at all, not like this is. Now that he knows what it feels like to be wanted, to be loved back, he’s not sure how he can move forward without it.

He sucks a deep breath in through his nose, his eyes prickling from the cold, from his own stupid thoughts. “I think, I think maybe…” he tries, swallowing hard. “I don’t think this is working. Um. For all of us.”



JIMIN The quiet between them is tense, suffocating even as the chill air bites at Jimin’s nose and cheeks. He shivers even in his coat, one hand stuffed in his coat pocket and the other wrapped tight around the strap of his bag. He’s strangely grateful for that, for having something to hold onto, especially when Hoseok says exactly what he’s been fearing most.

He thinks he should have expected it, should have seen it coming. Maybe he’s only really surprised that it hadn’t happened sooner. A part of him always knew it was too good to be true, that Hoseok couldn’t possibly actually want him.

“Okay,” he finally manages, barely more than a whisper. He can already feel the prickling at his eyes, is grateful he can hid it behind the cold. He doesn’t need to wonder what’s wrong, he doesn’t think, not when Hoseok’s said it like that. But, just to be sure, he asks, “It’s because of Taehyungie, isn’t it? Because it’s… because I’m greedy.”



HOSEOK Hoseok shakes his head, confused by the way Jimin says okay like Hoseok’s words made a decision for him about something. And then Jimin calls himself greedy and Hoseok shakes his head again, because if anyone’s greedy here it’s him, for taking up so much of Jimin’s time lately, taking it away from Taehyung.

And it’s worse now because before he thought that Taehyung was at least okay with what they were doing, with Hoseok being with Jimin too, even though Hoseok doesn’t know why he would be when he could have Jimin to himself instead. But now he’s not sure, despite what Taehyung told him a week ago, he’s not sure Taehyung actually is okay with it.

“I don’t think it’s working for Taehyung,” he says. “I tried to talk to him about it last week and he didn’t really say anything,” he says, curling his hands into fists in his pockets. “I asked him if he’d tell me if any issues came up for him about this and he didn’t answer me. And tonight…”

He takes a sharp breath. Maybe it was a joke but it hit him so harshly, the underlaying get away from him there, like Hoseok isn’t allowed to ask for Jimin’s affection, like he doesn’t belong here. “I don’t think he’s okay with it,” he says, shivering slightly, from the cold, from the way his throat is starting to constrict. “I don’t think he wants me to be part of this.”



JIMIN It’s not what Jimin’s expecting at all, his brow furrowing in confusion even as the weight in his belly eases just a little.

But only a little.

Because he hasn’t honestly considered that Taehyung has any issue with this, that he might be upset. He’d been so encouraging, so happy for Jimin even when Jimin had told him the news on Hoseok. And Jimin’s made sure to be there for Taehyung as much as he can. It isn’t every night, but they’ve never had every night together anyway.

It has been fewer nights, though.

“He hasn’t said anything,” Jimin says and it comes out a little defensive, if he’s honest. But a little hurt too. And a little ashamed. Taehyung hasn’t said anything, but that doesn’t mean he is okay with things. Jimin’s been assuming. How could have failed at this so badly already?

“What… what do you mean tonight?” he asks, chest going tight again. “What happened? Did he say something to you?”



HOSEOK Hoseok shakes his head again, is glad they’re walking, that he doesn’t have to try to have this conversation looking in Jimin’s eyes. “He didn’t say anything, just…” He makes a frustrated noise, not sure how he can articulate this feeling he’s having.

“It probably didn’t mean anything, but what he said when I was trying to joke with you guys on twitter, it was like, ’go away, you don’t belong here,’” he says, ducking his chin into the neck of his coat. “And maybe…” he goes on, staring straight ahead, the cold air biting at his eyes. “Maybe I don’t.”



JIMIN Jimin frowns down at his feet as he thinks back on the conversation, trying to remember as much as he can without cheating by taking out his phone. If he’s honest, he remembers his text conversation with Hoseok more; after all, that’s what he’s been obsessing over for the past half hour. He feels stupid for not catching this, for not seeing it.

“I don’t think that’s what he meant,” Jimin says quietly, a little weakly. Because he knows he can’t be sure. He hasn’t talked to Taeyung about things, not since breaking the news. There’s every chance that Taehyung is upset, that this isn’t working for him. That he’s upset and taking it out on Hoseok.

He glances over, his stomach a mess. It takes a minute for him to form the words, a minute more to force them past his lips. He feels like if he says them, if he puts them out there, that it’s bringing the whole thing to life, making it real. But he knows he has to, that that’s where this is headed no matter how far Jimin wants to stick his head in the sand. And that’s the whole point, isn’t it? That Jimin keeps trying to pretend everything is good when it’s not.

“Are you saying you want to break up?”



HOSEOK Hoseok stops walking when Jimin says it, because as much as the thought has been in his head, he never really considered that possibility, not in a concrete way. Or maybe that is the only solution, if Taehyung is unhappy. Because Hoseok is the one who came into this, something that was already working for Jimin and Taehyung, he’s the one whose feelings are making things complicated. Jungkook said that Jimin is probably happier now, not that he was unhappy before, but maybe Taehyung is less happy, and Hoseok can’t say if one thing makes up for the other, he can’t be the one to make that decision.

Jungkook also said Hoseok’s happiness matters, but it has to matter less than theirs, than Jimin’s and Taehyung’s.

“I don’t want to,” he says, the chill of the air settling into his limbs, making him shiver. “I’m not… I don’t want to,” he repeats. “I love you.”

But sometimes even love isn’t enough to keep people together.

“I think maybe I want too much. I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m doing,” he says, not sure what else to say. “I just don’t want to upset people, I don’t want to mess things up. I don’t want him to hate me.”



JIMIN Jimin's aware of Hoseok stopping and he slows his own pace for a few steps before stopping too and reluctantly turning to face him. Even if some part of him had always expected this might happen, he'd foolishly hoped he'd have longer than just two weeks.

Though he's fairly sure it would have hurt no matter when it happened. Maybe it's better this way, better for everyone if they end it before things get really complicated. Maybe they have a better chance of staying friends his way.

He takes another shaky breath, forces his voice not to tremble and thinks maybe he can blame the cold for the way he doesn't at all succeed. "I love you," he says, an immediate, instinctive echo to Hoseok's declaration, though his own comes out more as a whine.

"Why do you think he hates you?" he asks a moment later, his frown deepening. "You're not... I want this with you just as much as I want it with Tae. And I know it's not conventional, I know it's not easy and that I'm doing it all wrong because I don't know what I'm doing either, but I want to try. I'm sorry," he adds quickly, voice catching before he wipes a hand across his eye, angry to find wetness there. "Please. I'll talk to him, I'll... I'll see if he's okay. If he's happy. I want you both to be happy so, so badly."



HOSEOK “I don’t think he does,” Hoseok replies, wishing they were inside, or at least somewhere warmer. Somewhere Hoseok could hold Jimin’s hand. “I’m just worried he will, or he’ll resent me, or you’ll resent me, if it doesn’t work between you two.” He takes a breath, the cold air triggering a cough, fog blooming between them. Hoseok feels hollow.

“What if he’s not happy?” he asks, his voice small, his fingers and toes freezing, every part of him feeling like it’s about to crumble. “What do we do if he doesn’t want this? If he doesn’t want to share you?” Hoseok knows the answer already, he knows what he’ll do, even though he doesn’t want to, even though he’s never been happier in his life.



JIMIN They're all questions Jimin's asked himself multiple times over the past couple weeks, though he still doesn't know the answers to any of them. Or, rather, he doesn't like the answers because each one leads to someone getting hurt, someone being upset. Because, eventually, something has to give.

"I don't know," he says finally, dropping his gaze to the ground. "I guess we end it."

He doesn't know what that means exactly, if he'll have to choose, decide whether to break up with Hoseok because he's been with Taeyhung longer or with Taehyung because Hoseok maybe needs him more. Or maybe he should break up with both of them because then there'd be no weird circumstances at all, nothing to over complicate. Maybe if they all hurt a little bit, that's better than one or two of them hurting more.

He pulls in another shaky breath, the crisp air sharp in his lungs, billowing into a cloud when he exhales. "Are you really unhappy?" he asks, voice catching a little again. "Is this too hard?"



HOSEOK Jimin’s answer is the same, it turns out. And Hoseok should have been prepared for it, but the way his chest feels like it’s collapsing, air rushing out of his lungs, it’s clear he wasn’t. He nods at that because he can’t speak, because he can’t inhale around the crushing feeling in his chest, has to close his eyes and force oxygen into his body.

“I’m, I’m not,” he says, taking a step closer to Jimin, aching to reach out and touch him. “I’m happy, I’m really happy,” he goes on, and the words don’t match his tone, but it doesn’t make them untrue. “Every time I see your face I feel like everything inside me lights up, more than it did before. When we’re close I always want to be touching you, holding your hand, hugging you close. I want you right next to me all the time, every second. When we’re not together I’m thinking about you. Even when we’re together, I think about you all the time.” He stops because he can barely breathe, and he’s shivering hard, from the cold, from everything running through his head, through his heart.

“I want you with me all the time and I forget, sometimes. I forget you’re not all mine. And I feel awful that I do. That, that I want…” He swallows hard, looking down at his shoes and Jimin’s, facing each other on the sidewalk. “I don’t want to mess things up. I just…” His eyes are starting to go wet, his eyelashes damp as he blinks.

“I want you so much,” he says, taking a sharp breath, his voice shaking. “I love you so much. I don’t want to let you go. I don’t.”



JIMIN "Then don't," Jimin replies immediately, not bothering to hide the plea in his voice. Hoseok's stepped closer, at least, which feels promising and Jimin takes a step closer himself. His eyes are still stinging, watering from the cold and the distress clawing at him.

"Please, just-- I know it's hard, that it's not completely what you want, but I love you." His hands are shaking when he drops his bag to the ground and reaches out to rest them on Hoseok's arms, gripping him gently through the puff of his jacket and shirt sleeves. "I love you so, so much." He pauses a second then, dropping his gaze to Hoseok's chest as he pulls in a breath. "I promise I'll talk to talk to Tae and make sure he's okay too. And I'll... I'll be better at giving you more time. I'm not good at any of this, but I don't want to lose you."

Frowning a little, he sighs and raises one hand to lightly cup Hoseok's cheek. "I mean, if it's-- if you ever want that, if it's too hard or you're unhappy or you just. If anything changes for you. I'll let go then. But if you ever want to be with me, even a little, I'm holding on. Okay?"



HOSEOK Hoseok nods because it’s still hard to breathe, because he feels like he’s on the verge of crying for real, because Jimin’s standing close in the cold and touching his face and begging him not to let go. He takes a sharp little breath and pulls his hands out of his coat pockets, wrapping his arms around Jimin’s shoulders and pulling him close.

“I want to be with you so much more than a little bit,” he says, pressing his forehead against Jimin’s temple. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I, I want…” He squeezes his eyes shut, tightens the embrace of his arms around Jimin, holding on with everything he has.

“I didn’t used to care if I had a future,” he says, catching handfuls of Jimin’s coat in his fists. “But now I do. I want a future with you. I want to work hard so I can stay with you and be good for you. So–” His voice cuts off, throat tight, and he ducks his face against Jimin’s neck.

“So you’ll keep wanting me back.”



JIMIN Jimin's always done better with touch than with words and he melts immediately into Hoseok's embrace, letting out a quiet, almost relieved breath as he wraps his own arms around him, buries his face into the warm collar of Hoseok's coat for a moment.

His heart aches a bit at the idea that Hoseok's ever not cared about his own future, but he gets it. If not for Hoseok or Taehyung or his group of friends, there'd be nothing at all for him to hold onto. No point. Now the only future Jimin can picture is one where they're all together.

"You're already so good for me," he says, a whisper against Hoseok's neck as he holds him tighter. "You don't have to work at that." He presses a kiss there, light and fleeting, careful because they're still out in the middle of the sidewalk, out where anyone can see. When he pulls back, his vision is a little blurry and his smile is a bit watery even as it feels genuine. He smooths his hand across Hoseok's wet cheek. "And I'm never ever going to stop wanting you. I wanted you literally the first day I met you. Just let me keep loving you. That's all I want."



HOSEOK “Only if you let me keep loving you back,” Hoseok replies, and his face is colder now from the tears, his fingers freezing as he continues to cling to Jimin’s coat, but he feels so much warmer inside now. There’s still a chance that Taehyung isn’t happy, that things won’t work out, but Hoseok feels reassured that Jimin wants to fight for this, and Hoseok isn’t going to let Jimin fight alone. He loves Jimin, is in love with him, and that’s not something he’s prepared to give up easily.

“I’m sorry,” he says, taking a deep breath, and he wishes he could kiss Jimin right now, but they’re probably already touching each other too much, considering they’re still in public. “I probably made a big deal out of nothing,” he admits, lowering his eyes. “I’m just… I want everyone to be happy. And I love you so much, I’m scared of losing you.”



JIMIN "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me to," Jimin promises again, his chest still aching at the catch in Hoseok's voice and the wetness of his eyes. He's shivering, they both are, but at least the tension between them has eased and all Jimin wants to do right now is wrap Hoseok up in his arms and kiss the wetness from his cheeks.

He doesn't step closer even though he wants to, but he doesn't move away at all. "And I'm sorry too. I'll check in with you and Tae more often, make sure we're all happy."

Frowning a little, he glances around, notes how far away people are, trying to see if anyone is paying them any attention and then, taking a chance, he leans in to press a kiss to Hoseok's forehead. "Let's go back to your place, hmm?" he asks, sliding one hand down Hoseok's arms to give his cold fingers a light squeeze. "We can order in and curl up on your couch for awhile."



HOSEOK The kiss to his forehead, Jimin’s words, the touch of their hands, it all starts to unwind the knot of worry in Hoseok’s chest, but the suggestion to go home and be together is what makes Hoseok’s shoulders relax finally. He squeezes Jimin’s fingers back, wants to keep holding his hand even though he knows he can’t while they’re still on the street, and nods.

“That sounds really nice,” he says, aching to kiss Jimin’s lips, to hold him close. “I feel like I want to hold you and never let go,” he adds with a huff of a laugh, relief lightening his chest.

Tugging softly on Jimin’s hand he starts walking, holds on a little longer than he should before he reluctantly lets Jimin go. Even though they’re not touching anymore they feel closer now, Hoseok feels, maybe more than they have been before, going over this bump in the road and coming out the other side. There will be more turbulence, probably, but Hoseok feels more confident that they’ll be able to handle it when it does.

Carefully Hoseok nudges Jimin’s shoulder with his own, whispers a soft I love you, and leads Jimin toward the train station.


CODE BY TESSISAMESS