Seokjin (HYYH RP) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ineedanepiphany) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
hotel_omelas2018-11-30 01:02 am
ineedanepiphany) wrote in hotel_omelas2018-11-30 01:02 am
Entry tags:
Twitter/Chatlog [November 26]
[DM to @ineedanepiphany]
I'm trying to make it so I don't need to, but is it okay to ask you for a ride later tonight?
Namjoon
Namjoon paced in front of his house, monitoring his phone. His stomach leapt a little every time a new notification showed up. Sometimes it was Jin, or his other friends, but sometimes it was Boyeon. Namjoon gripped the phone more tightly than he should as he texted. Every message could be the last he'd hear from his younger brother for who knows how long, and every reply meant he had a little more time.
"Hyung, I swear this is it. I WANT TO come back but I can't."
"I'll deal with it. Just stay there."
"It wasn't my fault, hyung."
"I said I'd fix it."
This wasn't it, and it probably was his fault, but here Namjoon was anyways. Putting his friends out so he can try once again for someone who only called him hyung when he needed something.
Seokjin
Jin's good to his word and pulls up in front of Namjoon's place probably a little sooner than is strictly possible for someone following the speed limits. Not getting caught speeding is a specialty of his, borne of always doing his best to avoid notice. His father and brother speed all the time. They only get mad about it if someone gets caught.
He's also got the promised coffee, hot in its can from the vending machine, plus a couple of hastily assembled snacks from the convenience store. Hard boiled eggs and the beef jerky he knows Namjoon likes.
"Hey," Seokjin says unnecessarily. Leaning over, he opens the latch of the passenger side door so Namjoon can come in.
Namjoon
"Hyung, hey!" Namjoon's relief is palpable when he gets into the truck. He's hit with so many good feelings at once that he almost forgets what he has to do. Almost. "I swear, I swear one day I'm going to buy you a real alpaca. No, a flock of them."
His phone vibrates.
"Thank you, hyung!!!"
And various sets of emojis.
Boyeon makes him hate emojis.
Seokjin
Seokjin laughs, briefly caught up in the mental image of a herd of alpacas trailing after him through Seoul like some kind of bizarre pied piper. The smile falls off his face just as soon at he hears Namjoon's phone vibrate.
"You don't have to do anything for me, Namjoon," he says. "I offered because I want to help." What else is his good for?
He waits for Namjoon to settle and then starts driving a route he's long ago memorized. He knows how to get to all of their apartments and houses, to the dance studio and gas station, every place his friends might ever need.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Namjoon
Namjoon exhales, as if it would push out all of his responsibilities. His hyung didn't ever want anything in return, but he deserved to know at least some of why he was called up tonight. Anyways, he only let the odd complaint about his brother loose when he was with his friends, maybe actually sharing would feel alright.
"My brother does this thing where he'll decide that he can do everything on his own and being at home is limiting him from whatever he's decided he wants to be doing. Our family is the worst, I'm the worst, no one understands him. Then, he'll just... go."
As he speaks, Namjoon focuses his attention on the container of boiled eggs and jerky that had appeared in his lap without his notice. Roughly biting a piece of the meat and chewing on it, giving his tense jaw something to work on.
"But it's really, really stupid because he can't do anything on his own. Or, maybe he can for a little bit, but..." He sighs and swallows, as he watches the city slide by his window. Has he spoken too much? Is he rambling again? His brain goes through the checks. "It always ends up the same way. These texts. Me going to solve his issues so he'll come home for a fucking minute." He rubs his eyes. "Sorry."
Seokjin
Seokjin nods, listening as his eyes take in the landmarks that mark their approach. He barely ever needs them anymore, moving on autopilot, but there are times when he jars back to himself and needs to consciously remind himself of where he is and what his next move is. An uncomfortable feeling pokes into his stomach as he thinks about Namjoon's brother, especially compared to Namjoon himself. Namjoon who works so hard and puts all of them before his own needs, even when his feelings are important too.
"Speaking as a younger brother," he says, trying to find some lightness to the conversation. "In my expert opinion? We're the worst." His own elder brother would agree but he's been looking down his long, thin nose at Seokjin as long as he can remember.
"He should be more grateful." It sounds more like something his father would say but there's an ugly little spike of envy he feels. Seokjin's situation is the opposite. He has to do just about everything on his own because he's not wanted. "You're the best family a person could have."
Namjoon
Namjoon's feelings cool a little at Seokjin's words, and he takes a mouthful of coffee. The frustration festers in his guts, though, and no amount of food or liquid is helping. He checks his phone. No messages.
"You're not the worst at all." He checks again, just in case. "He's not the worst either..." His grip tightens.
"I almost wish he was the worst. It's frustrating that he won't stay put and he just won't listen to me but, in a way, I understand why he's doing this. With everything going on inside that goddamned house, I can't say that I haven't..."
No. There it was. That's the point where it was too far. His mental alarms rang and he closed his mouth abruptly. He couldn't talk to Jin about the type of issues his family dealt with. He didn't want him to try to do something about them. They weren't his problems.
He deflated a little, fidgeting with his phone again.
"This is just part of my job, I guess."
Seokjin
"Haven't...?" He risks looking over at Namjoon and it's like watching an iron gate slam shut. His stomach twists unhappily and he wonders what it is, why Namjoon doesn't trust him with it. Is it because they haven't actually known one another for very long? Or maybe he's just not as trustworthy as someone like Yoongi or Taehyung. Maybe he won't ever be. He shouldn't be jealous.
He shakes his head and turns his eyes back to the road so that he doesn't miss his turn. This isn't about him and his own selfish need to be noticed and trusted. It's about Namjoon and his brother.
"It might be your job, but it's not like he's holding up his end of the bargain either," Seokjin says. "If my brother looked out for me the way you did–" Right. This isn't about him. Seokjin exhales. "He has no idea how good of a brother you are. You try really hard."
Namjoon
As the truck got closer to their destination, Namjoon couldn't help but withdraw more and more. He hated what he was going there for. A glance at his friend's face made him hate himself for bringing him into this. He got physically smaller, slouching his shoulders and lowering his head, as if trying to disappear. Why would he have a hyung like this? Why was he allowed someone who cared so much for him? He would drive Namjoon to where he wanted, even if he slipped up with his words and offended him.
"Someone should tell your brother that he has no idea how good you are." He mumbled, looking down at his now empty can of coffee. "And that he's missing out."
Seokjin
"I'm not good for much," Seokjin says, pleased that when he laughs it doesn't sound fake. No one wants a CEO's son when all he does is cook and fuss over others. He's a poor investment to train when his maintenance is a comparative pittance. "I'm just trying to be good to people." He doesn't deserve any of them and someday he's afraid they'll realize that.
He pulls into the bleak light of the gas station and exhales, tense with worry for Namjoon and his brother. "What is it you needed to get?"
Namjoon
His mouth opened but the words were locked down again. He couldn't say. There was no way he could possibly tell this hyung, and it would be best for him to stay far away from it.
"I won't be long, hyung," new words broke through where the original ones got stuck. "Is it okay if you stay here?"
Seokjin
There's a second where he hopes Namjoon will tell him something true, something that will make Jin understand what's going on so that he can fix it. Or at least do his best not to make it worse. What comes out instead is a tiny promise, a request. Seokjin immediately nods. "Of course. I wasn't going to just ditch you here." Never, he thinks. Never ever.
Namjoon
Namjoon gives Jin a smile. It takes effort but he deserved it. Leaving the truck is difficult.
He walks into the gas station shop and through the slight glare on the large glass windows, he can be seen nodding to the person behind the counter, a boy about the same age as Namjoon, with the sour face of someone who definitely does not want to be there. The two exchange some casual words for a moment or two, before the shift worker throws on a jacket with relief in his eyes, and all but jogs out the door, lighting a cigarette hastily as he paces around to the side of the building. Alone inside the shop, Namjoon's expression loses all pretense of social pleasantries as he walks around the counter. His position, now obscured by the corner of the building and the edge of the window, it's hard to tell what he's doing. At some point, his silhouette is still, and then he returns to the front of the counter, leaning on it casually, checking his phone while gripping it a little too tightly.
A few minutes pass and the shift worker returns. They shake hands and the person tosses him a candy bar. Namjoon smiles, taking it, wishing him a good shift and a good night.
He is out the door and making a beeline for Jin's passenger side the moment he is finished speaking, but as he nears the door, he suddenly pulls out his phone and puts it to his ear.
"Yeah. I do, but-- stop saying that, please.
No. I'm not. You'll get it at home.
You heard what I said.
Yes, and... no, it's because I know you can. You made it this far, just go the rest of the way.
Walk? I don't care! Give me at least a fraction of the effort, here.
Please stop doing this, just meet me at home. Please.
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
Thank you.
Yeah, bye."
He tries not to close the car door too roughly behind him as he gets in, slouching in the seat, both hands in his coat pockets, face grim.
"Thanks for waiting, hyung. I think we can go back now."
Seokjin
Seokjin tries not to be obvious but he can't help himself. His eyes trail nervously over Namjoon, rivet to the conversation as if he can learn to read lips on the spot. There's cryptic tension in the exchange and he still can't see what Namjoon is looking for, what it is he's found. There a brief, nervous moment when Seokjin wonders if it's a weapon of some kind. Then his mind flies to drugs. Then to money. Then he scolds himself for assuming the worst about this, about Namjoon's brother. He has no idea what's going on. He shouldn't jump to such wild conclusions.
Namjoon talks into his phone and Seokjin tries not to listen but it's hard not to hear the strain in Namjoon's voice. His heart hurts when Namjoon, usually so tall and confident, slouches and looks small and awkward. He's the younger one but Seokjin is so used to thinking of Namjoon as the leader, the glue that holds them all together. It's awful seeing him come unglued like this.
"Do you want me to stay with you? Or do you want to crash at my place after this?" The thought of leaving Namjoon alone doesn't sit right with him.
Namjoon
Namjoon felt heavy at Seokjin's words. He had dragged him out so that he could do something very stupid, and his first words to him are caring and considerate. A persistent voice in his head chastises him incessantly.
"I don't know," he says softly. His pockets feel heavy with guilt. "I probably shouldn't, but, I don't know."
Seokjin
"You've had a hard night," Seokjin says. The truth is that the only thing he dislikes more than going back to his quiet little apartment alone is the thought of Namjoon going into a house where his work is going to be blown off. His friend–all of his friends–deserve so much better than the lots they've gotten in life and if Seokjin could, he'd give them every unearned gift and privilege he's ever received, but they'd never accept it.
It makes the little things more important. The meals, the quiet place to sleep, the promise of safety.
"You deserve to get some rest, Namjoonie." He tries to cover the concern with humor and reaches out, squeezing Namjoon's face the way he did to Seokjin the other night. "Your glasses won't cover up all your dark circles if you don't get some quality sleep."
Namjoon
Navigating its way through the stress and shame, a smile cracks through to Namjoon's face and he can't keep it down. "What if that's just my face?"
Jin's playful touch makes him feel a little lighter, but when his hand is gone, the smile goes with it, and the heaviness swiftly returns.
Namjoon is quiet for a long while, head resting against his window, eyes watching city lights drift by, in regular intervals. There's a feeling inside him that wants to apologise to his hyung over and over again. It's there on normal days, but it has grown significantly tonight. It's a logically useless act; it would never make him feel better, and Jin would only tell him to stop, or blow it aside somehow. He didn't know how else to get rid of this feeling of worthlessness.
His eyes widen suddenly as he spots a familiar lone figure walking on the sidewalk outside. A boy in an oversized pullover and ballcap, hands in his pockets, walking almost lazily. It's been some time since he's seen him, but Namjoon was always looking, just in case, so his silhouette had been burned into his subconscious.
"Sorry, hyung, can you stop here?" He tries to calm an urgent tone from getting through as he once again makes demands of his hyung. "I'm sorry, this is the last thing, I swear. Sorry." The dam of apologies began to crack, as Namjoon tries to hold himself together.
Seokjin
"What's going on?" Seokjin asks, even as he pulls to a stop. Namjoon, usually so tough, so composed, looks like he's one fracture line away from shattering and he hates it. Irrationally, he hates Namjoon's brother, whom he's never met, and his own brother, who's not even involved. He has a powerful impulse not to unlock the car, to just stomp down on the gas pedal and drive until this is all behind them. Run away like they always joke about and be beholden to no one.
But he knows Namjoon won't stand for that. He's too dedicated to keeping his family, the same way Seokjin is too dedicated to pleasing his. If he drove, Namjoon wouldn't thank him. Somehow, the only thing worse than someone making Namjoon upset is the thought that it will be him instead.
Still, he puts a hand on Namjoon's arm, lighter this time. "You don't have to do this alone."
Namjoon
Jin gave his rushed thoughts sudden pause. He took his friend's hand and squeezed it between his. "I'm not doing this alone, thanks to hyung." Once more, he tried to give a reassuring smile, and then slipped out of the car, calling out for the figure on the sidewalk. The tension in his body returned as soon as he moved away from his hyung.
"Yah!!"
Boyeon jumps and turns around, the brim of a grey ball cap covers half his face, hands stuffed in the pockets of a too-large sweater dotted with holes and small tears. He waits with a smile once he sees it is Namjoon crossing the distance towards him. They exchange a few words as Namjoon retrieves a wad of cash from his pocket, thumbs a few bills from it, and hands them to his brother before the handful of money disappears back into his coat. A few more words and soon their tones become heightened, more aggressive. Namjoon seems like he wants to end the conversation, while Boyeon is unsatisfied and agitated.
The younger of the two moves forward and gestures towards the truck Seokjin is waiting in. Namjoon's face twists and pushes Boyeon roughly with both hands, forcing him to take two steps backward. A word or two more is exchanged and Namjoon decides to turn away, returning to the car. Boyeon yells something at his brother's back, prompting him to spin around one more time.
"Go home!!"
Namjoon doesn't like raising his voice, especially in public, and especially at people, but Boyeon always brought these things out in him.
"Stop talking and go home. Now!"
"Whatever, Namjoon!" Boyeon flips his brother off before turning and continuing on his way down the sidewalk. Namjoon doesn't react, watching him leave with a clenched jaw. He takes a few breaths and pulls out his phone to make a call, close enough now to the passenger side door of the truck for Jin to hear.
"Hi. Yeah, he's on his way home now. No, no, don't, just expect him.
... I'm not sure. Yeah, it's okay. Yeah, I will.
Okay.
Goodnight."
He opens the door to the truck and slips back into the passenger seat, deflated. He leans his elbows on his knees and drops his face into both hands, exhausted, embarrassed, and not ready to make eye contact with Jin. "Hyung." He breathes, "I'm sorry I brought you out here."
Seokjin
Seokjin revels in that quick squeeze of his hand, that trust, but it's gone too soon, replaced with a cold space where Namjoon should be. It only gets worse as he watches, but can't yet hear what's being said. Is this what Namjoon's little brother expects of him? Just money? Why is his brother treating him like a bank machine? Why is Namjoon _letting_ him.
The half of the conversation he can hear doesn't answer any questions either. Boyeon is going home but shouldn't be expected? He'd assumed Namjoon was calling his parents but now he's less sure. Or maybe it's just that, after all the trouble he's gone to, Boyeon is likely to just head out and start more trouble. He's seized with the impulse to floor the gas pedal again–this time, so he can run Boyeon down.
The Namjoon in his passenger seat looks miserable, like Boyeon jammed his fist into Namjoon's chest and stole out his heart. Seokjin hates the misery on his face, all the feelings Namjoon is trying to hide, clamping down so tightly that it spills out of the tiniest cracks. Without thinking about propriety, his own feelings, or even the logistics of doing this in the car, he leans over and wraps his arms around Namjoon as best as he can. They're both a little too broad and bony for this tiny space but the hell with it.
"Let's go home." His apartment, the place that only becomes home when his friends join him.
Namjoon
Namjoon crumples as warm arms cover him. He lets himself exhale and lean into it. It's done. He's done his job. He can let go for a little while.
He didn't give Boyeon enough money to run off with, to his disappointment, and he's more than a little sure his brother was looking forward to a real bed and would make himself right at home, probably enjoying their mother's happy doting.
He did his job and his family was going to be happy and together. Namjoon would have more work to do with his brother later, but, rested against the shoulder of a hyung he wasn't sure he deserved, he had a permeating sense in his body that, at least for now, he was done.
"Okay." He nodded into Seokjin's arm. "Let's go. Thank you."
Seokjin
When they first met, Namjoon had always struck him as strong, self-assured. It's a first impression that he clings to now, tries to reconcile with the person in his arms. He looks so hurt, so tired, and Seokjin hates the sense of inherent wrongness that comes from seeing him like this. "There's still one egg left," he offers. "You might feel better if you eat." Probably he won't but it can't possibly make things worse.
Seokjin lingers there for a second and then runs his fingers through Namjoon's hair before sitting up, putting the car back in drive. "Fasten your seatbelt." (edited)
Namjoon
Namjoon doesn't complain. He doesn't resist or make excuses. He does exactly what Seokjin tells him to. Normally, there was an invisible force that dragged him home every night, whether he wanted to or not. It was made of feelings of guilt, duty, and a desire to not cause more problems for his parents than they already have. It made him resist suggestions of staying out at night, or sleeping at his friends’ houses. That feeling disappeared as he watched his brother walk off in the direction of home. He felt, even if temporarily, free.
But that was on top of everything else he was feeling. With some effort, he gets his arms to buckle his seatbelt, and then methodically chews and swallows the last egg. His mind instinctively drifted but he could only think of how tired he was of everything. He wasn't sure he'd have the energy to deal with another hurdle, but he knew one would come eventually. That's how life was. A series of never ending hurdles in a marathon he couldn't find his way out of.
He regrets that he's being this way with Jin. He isn't acting like himself, and hasn't felt like himself either. Leaning his head against his window, he closed his eyes, uncaring of the periodic street lights that illuminated his face as they went by. He needed sleep, he thinks. Sleep and something solid to hold on to. A hand drifts out to rest on Seokjin's arm and Namjoon doesn't say anything. He can't possibly say or do anything anymore.
Seokjin
The drive back to his apartment is automatic, just like going to the gas station, going to Namjoon's home in the first place but nothing about Seokjin's thoughts are quite so routine. He constantly, quietly worries about what he just saw. What kind of trouble has Boyeon gotten into? Is Namjoon allowed to take that money from the gas station? Why does Namjoon feel obligated to do this? Is he doing something illegal to cover his brother? He wants to know but he's afraid that Namjoon will lash out if he presses.
Maybe he just doesn't understand. Maybe it's like his father says; Jin is too spoiled and soft to understand the harsh realities of the world, so it's better that he doesn't get involved. It doesn't feel right.
Namjoon's hand on his arm is a welcome touch and Seokjin's heart jumps a beat, surprised. He glances over at him and smiles and then turns his eyes back to the road–stopping at the lights even when the streets look empty. Even with Namjoon's hand, he wonders if his friend isn't already asleep before they turn into the drive. "We're here."
Namjoon
Namjoon straightens and opens his eyes hearing Jin's words. He had drifted into a half-sleep during the ride and almost forgot their journey had a destination. He suddenly feels a little remorse that it's over, thinking that he could sit here forever, as his friend drove them anywhere, or nowhere.
His shoulders automatically tensed as he prepared to get out of the car, back to his family, back to his looming responsibilities, but then relaxed once he got his bearings. Even though he knew they were going to Jin's apartment, Namjoon still half expected to see his dark, single-storey house when he opened his eyes. He felt a weight float off his chest. At home everything was oppressive and draining, but at Jin's, he could be himself, and things were always okay.
"Hyung," He unbuckled his seatbelt, but held on to it as it finished retracting, fidgeting with it as he turned to face his friend. "I don't know how to thank you." (edited)
Seokjin
"You don't have to," Seokjin says. When it's just the two of them, he doesn't bother with the persona, with demanding praise and adoration. It doesn't matter that all of the group probably see through it by now. But Namjoon looks so hollowed out, so tired, and Seokjin would never really do this just to be thanked. "You're my friend. I want to take care of you." He wants to know that Namjoon is loved, if not by his rotten little brother then by others.
"Do you want something to eat? Or do you just want to crash? Or if you want to crash and burn, I have Mario Kart." It's a pretty weak joke, even for him, but he hopes it'll make Namjoon smile.
Namjoon
Namjoon tilts his head back and lets air escape through his teeth, squeezing his eyes shut and grinning. It was a bad joke, but that made it funnier.
He felt guilty about keeping Seokjin at arm's length from his issues, but felt that it was his way of caring for his hyung back, knowing he would want to help or get involved if he could. When Boyeon pointed to the truck, suggesting he got a ride as well, it activated a protective impulse in Namjoon that he never felt towards his own family. Here, in Jin's company, he had a feeling of being hugged, even though he wasn't. He was accepted and cared for, regardless of how much or little he said, and his shitty little brother wasn't allowed to put his hands on this.
"Ah..." He rubs one eye, his smile lingering. "Sorry, it's just... I find it funny that you think you're going to win. You're on."
Seokjin
Seokjin watches a display of emotions play across Namjoon's face, finally settling on humor. It shouldn't make him feel so much better but the sight of a smile on Namjoon's face after all the fear and worry of tonight feels worth it. "And you really think I'll let myself lose?" he returns, a grin of his own forming. "Highly unlikely!"
He turns off the engine of the car and comes around the other side of the car to open the door, grabbing Namjoon's wrist. It's a comfortable, familiar touch and he's so relieved to be able to share this with Namjoon. His friend is tough but Seokjin doesn't see why that means he doesn't deserve to be cared about, handled gently just because it's nice.
"Our friendship ends on the Rainbow Road!" he declares, hurrying to his door with Namjoon in tow.
I'm trying to make it so I don't need to, but is it okay to ask you for a ride later tonight?
Namjoon
Namjoon paced in front of his house, monitoring his phone. His stomach leapt a little every time a new notification showed up. Sometimes it was Jin, or his other friends, but sometimes it was Boyeon. Namjoon gripped the phone more tightly than he should as he texted. Every message could be the last he'd hear from his younger brother for who knows how long, and every reply meant he had a little more time.
"Hyung, I swear this is it. I WANT TO come back but I can't."
"I'll deal with it. Just stay there."
"It wasn't my fault, hyung."
"I said I'd fix it."
This wasn't it, and it probably was his fault, but here Namjoon was anyways. Putting his friends out so he can try once again for someone who only called him hyung when he needed something.
Seokjin
Jin's good to his word and pulls up in front of Namjoon's place probably a little sooner than is strictly possible for someone following the speed limits. Not getting caught speeding is a specialty of his, borne of always doing his best to avoid notice. His father and brother speed all the time. They only get mad about it if someone gets caught.
He's also got the promised coffee, hot in its can from the vending machine, plus a couple of hastily assembled snacks from the convenience store. Hard boiled eggs and the beef jerky he knows Namjoon likes.
"Hey," Seokjin says unnecessarily. Leaning over, he opens the latch of the passenger side door so Namjoon can come in.
Namjoon
"Hyung, hey!" Namjoon's relief is palpable when he gets into the truck. He's hit with so many good feelings at once that he almost forgets what he has to do. Almost. "I swear, I swear one day I'm going to buy you a real alpaca. No, a flock of them."
His phone vibrates.
"Thank you, hyung!!!"
And various sets of emojis.
Boyeon makes him hate emojis.
Seokjin
Seokjin laughs, briefly caught up in the mental image of a herd of alpacas trailing after him through Seoul like some kind of bizarre pied piper. The smile falls off his face just as soon at he hears Namjoon's phone vibrate.
"You don't have to do anything for me, Namjoon," he says. "I offered because I want to help." What else is his good for?
He waits for Namjoon to settle and then starts driving a route he's long ago memorized. He knows how to get to all of their apartments and houses, to the dance studio and gas station, every place his friends might ever need.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Namjoon
Namjoon exhales, as if it would push out all of his responsibilities. His hyung didn't ever want anything in return, but he deserved to know at least some of why he was called up tonight. Anyways, he only let the odd complaint about his brother loose when he was with his friends, maybe actually sharing would feel alright.
"My brother does this thing where he'll decide that he can do everything on his own and being at home is limiting him from whatever he's decided he wants to be doing. Our family is the worst, I'm the worst, no one understands him. Then, he'll just... go."
As he speaks, Namjoon focuses his attention on the container of boiled eggs and jerky that had appeared in his lap without his notice. Roughly biting a piece of the meat and chewing on it, giving his tense jaw something to work on.
"But it's really, really stupid because he can't do anything on his own. Or, maybe he can for a little bit, but..." He sighs and swallows, as he watches the city slide by his window. Has he spoken too much? Is he rambling again? His brain goes through the checks. "It always ends up the same way. These texts. Me going to solve his issues so he'll come home for a fucking minute." He rubs his eyes. "Sorry."
Seokjin
Seokjin nods, listening as his eyes take in the landmarks that mark their approach. He barely ever needs them anymore, moving on autopilot, but there are times when he jars back to himself and needs to consciously remind himself of where he is and what his next move is. An uncomfortable feeling pokes into his stomach as he thinks about Namjoon's brother, especially compared to Namjoon himself. Namjoon who works so hard and puts all of them before his own needs, even when his feelings are important too.
"Speaking as a younger brother," he says, trying to find some lightness to the conversation. "In my expert opinion? We're the worst." His own elder brother would agree but he's been looking down his long, thin nose at Seokjin as long as he can remember.
"He should be more grateful." It sounds more like something his father would say but there's an ugly little spike of envy he feels. Seokjin's situation is the opposite. He has to do just about everything on his own because he's not wanted. "You're the best family a person could have."
Namjoon
Namjoon's feelings cool a little at Seokjin's words, and he takes a mouthful of coffee. The frustration festers in his guts, though, and no amount of food or liquid is helping. He checks his phone. No messages.
"You're not the worst at all." He checks again, just in case. "He's not the worst either..." His grip tightens.
"I almost wish he was the worst. It's frustrating that he won't stay put and he just won't listen to me but, in a way, I understand why he's doing this. With everything going on inside that goddamned house, I can't say that I haven't..."
No. There it was. That's the point where it was too far. His mental alarms rang and he closed his mouth abruptly. He couldn't talk to Jin about the type of issues his family dealt with. He didn't want him to try to do something about them. They weren't his problems.
He deflated a little, fidgeting with his phone again.
"This is just part of my job, I guess."
Seokjin
"Haven't...?" He risks looking over at Namjoon and it's like watching an iron gate slam shut. His stomach twists unhappily and he wonders what it is, why Namjoon doesn't trust him with it. Is it because they haven't actually known one another for very long? Or maybe he's just not as trustworthy as someone like Yoongi or Taehyung. Maybe he won't ever be. He shouldn't be jealous.
He shakes his head and turns his eyes back to the road so that he doesn't miss his turn. This isn't about him and his own selfish need to be noticed and trusted. It's about Namjoon and his brother.
"It might be your job, but it's not like he's holding up his end of the bargain either," Seokjin says. "If my brother looked out for me the way you did–" Right. This isn't about him. Seokjin exhales. "He has no idea how good of a brother you are. You try really hard."
Namjoon
As the truck got closer to their destination, Namjoon couldn't help but withdraw more and more. He hated what he was going there for. A glance at his friend's face made him hate himself for bringing him into this. He got physically smaller, slouching his shoulders and lowering his head, as if trying to disappear. Why would he have a hyung like this? Why was he allowed someone who cared so much for him? He would drive Namjoon to where he wanted, even if he slipped up with his words and offended him.
"Someone should tell your brother that he has no idea how good you are." He mumbled, looking down at his now empty can of coffee. "And that he's missing out."
Seokjin
"I'm not good for much," Seokjin says, pleased that when he laughs it doesn't sound fake. No one wants a CEO's son when all he does is cook and fuss over others. He's a poor investment to train when his maintenance is a comparative pittance. "I'm just trying to be good to people." He doesn't deserve any of them and someday he's afraid they'll realize that.
He pulls into the bleak light of the gas station and exhales, tense with worry for Namjoon and his brother. "What is it you needed to get?"
Namjoon
His mouth opened but the words were locked down again. He couldn't say. There was no way he could possibly tell this hyung, and it would be best for him to stay far away from it.
"I won't be long, hyung," new words broke through where the original ones got stuck. "Is it okay if you stay here?"
Seokjin
There's a second where he hopes Namjoon will tell him something true, something that will make Jin understand what's going on so that he can fix it. Or at least do his best not to make it worse. What comes out instead is a tiny promise, a request. Seokjin immediately nods. "Of course. I wasn't going to just ditch you here." Never, he thinks. Never ever.
Namjoon
Namjoon gives Jin a smile. It takes effort but he deserved it. Leaving the truck is difficult.
He walks into the gas station shop and through the slight glare on the large glass windows, he can be seen nodding to the person behind the counter, a boy about the same age as Namjoon, with the sour face of someone who definitely does not want to be there. The two exchange some casual words for a moment or two, before the shift worker throws on a jacket with relief in his eyes, and all but jogs out the door, lighting a cigarette hastily as he paces around to the side of the building. Alone inside the shop, Namjoon's expression loses all pretense of social pleasantries as he walks around the counter. His position, now obscured by the corner of the building and the edge of the window, it's hard to tell what he's doing. At some point, his silhouette is still, and then he returns to the front of the counter, leaning on it casually, checking his phone while gripping it a little too tightly.
A few minutes pass and the shift worker returns. They shake hands and the person tosses him a candy bar. Namjoon smiles, taking it, wishing him a good shift and a good night.
He is out the door and making a beeline for Jin's passenger side the moment he is finished speaking, but as he nears the door, he suddenly pulls out his phone and puts it to his ear.
"Yeah. I do, but-- stop saying that, please.
No. I'm not. You'll get it at home.
You heard what I said.
Yes, and... no, it's because I know you can. You made it this far, just go the rest of the way.
Walk? I don't care! Give me at least a fraction of the effort, here.
Please stop doing this, just meet me at home. Please.
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
Thank you.
Yeah, bye."
He tries not to close the car door too roughly behind him as he gets in, slouching in the seat, both hands in his coat pockets, face grim.
"Thanks for waiting, hyung. I think we can go back now."
Seokjin
Seokjin tries not to be obvious but he can't help himself. His eyes trail nervously over Namjoon, rivet to the conversation as if he can learn to read lips on the spot. There's cryptic tension in the exchange and he still can't see what Namjoon is looking for, what it is he's found. There a brief, nervous moment when Seokjin wonders if it's a weapon of some kind. Then his mind flies to drugs. Then to money. Then he scolds himself for assuming the worst about this, about Namjoon's brother. He has no idea what's going on. He shouldn't jump to such wild conclusions.
Namjoon talks into his phone and Seokjin tries not to listen but it's hard not to hear the strain in Namjoon's voice. His heart hurts when Namjoon, usually so tall and confident, slouches and looks small and awkward. He's the younger one but Seokjin is so used to thinking of Namjoon as the leader, the glue that holds them all together. It's awful seeing him come unglued like this.
"Do you want me to stay with you? Or do you want to crash at my place after this?" The thought of leaving Namjoon alone doesn't sit right with him.
Namjoon
Namjoon felt heavy at Seokjin's words. He had dragged him out so that he could do something very stupid, and his first words to him are caring and considerate. A persistent voice in his head chastises him incessantly.
"I don't know," he says softly. His pockets feel heavy with guilt. "I probably shouldn't, but, I don't know."
Seokjin
"You've had a hard night," Seokjin says. The truth is that the only thing he dislikes more than going back to his quiet little apartment alone is the thought of Namjoon going into a house where his work is going to be blown off. His friend–all of his friends–deserve so much better than the lots they've gotten in life and if Seokjin could, he'd give them every unearned gift and privilege he's ever received, but they'd never accept it.
It makes the little things more important. The meals, the quiet place to sleep, the promise of safety.
"You deserve to get some rest, Namjoonie." He tries to cover the concern with humor and reaches out, squeezing Namjoon's face the way he did to Seokjin the other night. "Your glasses won't cover up all your dark circles if you don't get some quality sleep."
Namjoon
Navigating its way through the stress and shame, a smile cracks through to Namjoon's face and he can't keep it down. "What if that's just my face?"
Jin's playful touch makes him feel a little lighter, but when his hand is gone, the smile goes with it, and the heaviness swiftly returns.
Namjoon is quiet for a long while, head resting against his window, eyes watching city lights drift by, in regular intervals. There's a feeling inside him that wants to apologise to his hyung over and over again. It's there on normal days, but it has grown significantly tonight. It's a logically useless act; it would never make him feel better, and Jin would only tell him to stop, or blow it aside somehow. He didn't know how else to get rid of this feeling of worthlessness.
His eyes widen suddenly as he spots a familiar lone figure walking on the sidewalk outside. A boy in an oversized pullover and ballcap, hands in his pockets, walking almost lazily. It's been some time since he's seen him, but Namjoon was always looking, just in case, so his silhouette had been burned into his subconscious.
"Sorry, hyung, can you stop here?" He tries to calm an urgent tone from getting through as he once again makes demands of his hyung. "I'm sorry, this is the last thing, I swear. Sorry." The dam of apologies began to crack, as Namjoon tries to hold himself together.
Seokjin
"What's going on?" Seokjin asks, even as he pulls to a stop. Namjoon, usually so tough, so composed, looks like he's one fracture line away from shattering and he hates it. Irrationally, he hates Namjoon's brother, whom he's never met, and his own brother, who's not even involved. He has a powerful impulse not to unlock the car, to just stomp down on the gas pedal and drive until this is all behind them. Run away like they always joke about and be beholden to no one.
But he knows Namjoon won't stand for that. He's too dedicated to keeping his family, the same way Seokjin is too dedicated to pleasing his. If he drove, Namjoon wouldn't thank him. Somehow, the only thing worse than someone making Namjoon upset is the thought that it will be him instead.
Still, he puts a hand on Namjoon's arm, lighter this time. "You don't have to do this alone."
Namjoon
Jin gave his rushed thoughts sudden pause. He took his friend's hand and squeezed it between his. "I'm not doing this alone, thanks to hyung." Once more, he tried to give a reassuring smile, and then slipped out of the car, calling out for the figure on the sidewalk. The tension in his body returned as soon as he moved away from his hyung.
"Yah!!"
Boyeon jumps and turns around, the brim of a grey ball cap covers half his face, hands stuffed in the pockets of a too-large sweater dotted with holes and small tears. He waits with a smile once he sees it is Namjoon crossing the distance towards him. They exchange a few words as Namjoon retrieves a wad of cash from his pocket, thumbs a few bills from it, and hands them to his brother before the handful of money disappears back into his coat. A few more words and soon their tones become heightened, more aggressive. Namjoon seems like he wants to end the conversation, while Boyeon is unsatisfied and agitated.
The younger of the two moves forward and gestures towards the truck Seokjin is waiting in. Namjoon's face twists and pushes Boyeon roughly with both hands, forcing him to take two steps backward. A word or two more is exchanged and Namjoon decides to turn away, returning to the car. Boyeon yells something at his brother's back, prompting him to spin around one more time.
"Go home!!"
Namjoon doesn't like raising his voice, especially in public, and especially at people, but Boyeon always brought these things out in him.
"Stop talking and go home. Now!"
"Whatever, Namjoon!" Boyeon flips his brother off before turning and continuing on his way down the sidewalk. Namjoon doesn't react, watching him leave with a clenched jaw. He takes a few breaths and pulls out his phone to make a call, close enough now to the passenger side door of the truck for Jin to hear.
"Hi. Yeah, he's on his way home now. No, no, don't, just expect him.
... I'm not sure. Yeah, it's okay. Yeah, I will.
Okay.
Goodnight."
He opens the door to the truck and slips back into the passenger seat, deflated. He leans his elbows on his knees and drops his face into both hands, exhausted, embarrassed, and not ready to make eye contact with Jin. "Hyung." He breathes, "I'm sorry I brought you out here."
Seokjin
Seokjin revels in that quick squeeze of his hand, that trust, but it's gone too soon, replaced with a cold space where Namjoon should be. It only gets worse as he watches, but can't yet hear what's being said. Is this what Namjoon's little brother expects of him? Just money? Why is his brother treating him like a bank machine? Why is Namjoon _letting_ him.
The half of the conversation he can hear doesn't answer any questions either. Boyeon is going home but shouldn't be expected? He'd assumed Namjoon was calling his parents but now he's less sure. Or maybe it's just that, after all the trouble he's gone to, Boyeon is likely to just head out and start more trouble. He's seized with the impulse to floor the gas pedal again–this time, so he can run Boyeon down.
The Namjoon in his passenger seat looks miserable, like Boyeon jammed his fist into Namjoon's chest and stole out his heart. Seokjin hates the misery on his face, all the feelings Namjoon is trying to hide, clamping down so tightly that it spills out of the tiniest cracks. Without thinking about propriety, his own feelings, or even the logistics of doing this in the car, he leans over and wraps his arms around Namjoon as best as he can. They're both a little too broad and bony for this tiny space but the hell with it.
"Let's go home." His apartment, the place that only becomes home when his friends join him.
Namjoon
Namjoon crumples as warm arms cover him. He lets himself exhale and lean into it. It's done. He's done his job. He can let go for a little while.
He didn't give Boyeon enough money to run off with, to his disappointment, and he's more than a little sure his brother was looking forward to a real bed and would make himself right at home, probably enjoying their mother's happy doting.
He did his job and his family was going to be happy and together. Namjoon would have more work to do with his brother later, but, rested against the shoulder of a hyung he wasn't sure he deserved, he had a permeating sense in his body that, at least for now, he was done.
"Okay." He nodded into Seokjin's arm. "Let's go. Thank you."
Seokjin
When they first met, Namjoon had always struck him as strong, self-assured. It's a first impression that he clings to now, tries to reconcile with the person in his arms. He looks so hurt, so tired, and Seokjin hates the sense of inherent wrongness that comes from seeing him like this. "There's still one egg left," he offers. "You might feel better if you eat." Probably he won't but it can't possibly make things worse.
Seokjin lingers there for a second and then runs his fingers through Namjoon's hair before sitting up, putting the car back in drive. "Fasten your seatbelt." (edited)
Namjoon
Namjoon doesn't complain. He doesn't resist or make excuses. He does exactly what Seokjin tells him to. Normally, there was an invisible force that dragged him home every night, whether he wanted to or not. It was made of feelings of guilt, duty, and a desire to not cause more problems for his parents than they already have. It made him resist suggestions of staying out at night, or sleeping at his friends’ houses. That feeling disappeared as he watched his brother walk off in the direction of home. He felt, even if temporarily, free.
But that was on top of everything else he was feeling. With some effort, he gets his arms to buckle his seatbelt, and then methodically chews and swallows the last egg. His mind instinctively drifted but he could only think of how tired he was of everything. He wasn't sure he'd have the energy to deal with another hurdle, but he knew one would come eventually. That's how life was. A series of never ending hurdles in a marathon he couldn't find his way out of.
He regrets that he's being this way with Jin. He isn't acting like himself, and hasn't felt like himself either. Leaning his head against his window, he closed his eyes, uncaring of the periodic street lights that illuminated his face as they went by. He needed sleep, he thinks. Sleep and something solid to hold on to. A hand drifts out to rest on Seokjin's arm and Namjoon doesn't say anything. He can't possibly say or do anything anymore.
Seokjin
The drive back to his apartment is automatic, just like going to the gas station, going to Namjoon's home in the first place but nothing about Seokjin's thoughts are quite so routine. He constantly, quietly worries about what he just saw. What kind of trouble has Boyeon gotten into? Is Namjoon allowed to take that money from the gas station? Why does Namjoon feel obligated to do this? Is he doing something illegal to cover his brother? He wants to know but he's afraid that Namjoon will lash out if he presses.
Maybe he just doesn't understand. Maybe it's like his father says; Jin is too spoiled and soft to understand the harsh realities of the world, so it's better that he doesn't get involved. It doesn't feel right.
Namjoon's hand on his arm is a welcome touch and Seokjin's heart jumps a beat, surprised. He glances over at him and smiles and then turns his eyes back to the road–stopping at the lights even when the streets look empty. Even with Namjoon's hand, he wonders if his friend isn't already asleep before they turn into the drive. "We're here."
Namjoon
Namjoon straightens and opens his eyes hearing Jin's words. He had drifted into a half-sleep during the ride and almost forgot their journey had a destination. He suddenly feels a little remorse that it's over, thinking that he could sit here forever, as his friend drove them anywhere, or nowhere.
His shoulders automatically tensed as he prepared to get out of the car, back to his family, back to his looming responsibilities, but then relaxed once he got his bearings. Even though he knew they were going to Jin's apartment, Namjoon still half expected to see his dark, single-storey house when he opened his eyes. He felt a weight float off his chest. At home everything was oppressive and draining, but at Jin's, he could be himself, and things were always okay.
"Hyung," He unbuckled his seatbelt, but held on to it as it finished retracting, fidgeting with it as he turned to face his friend. "I don't know how to thank you." (edited)
Seokjin
"You don't have to," Seokjin says. When it's just the two of them, he doesn't bother with the persona, with demanding praise and adoration. It doesn't matter that all of the group probably see through it by now. But Namjoon looks so hollowed out, so tired, and Seokjin would never really do this just to be thanked. "You're my friend. I want to take care of you." He wants to know that Namjoon is loved, if not by his rotten little brother then by others.
"Do you want something to eat? Or do you just want to crash? Or if you want to crash and burn, I have Mario Kart." It's a pretty weak joke, even for him, but he hopes it'll make Namjoon smile.
Namjoon
Namjoon tilts his head back and lets air escape through his teeth, squeezing his eyes shut and grinning. It was a bad joke, but that made it funnier.
He felt guilty about keeping Seokjin at arm's length from his issues, but felt that it was his way of caring for his hyung back, knowing he would want to help or get involved if he could. When Boyeon pointed to the truck, suggesting he got a ride as well, it activated a protective impulse in Namjoon that he never felt towards his own family. Here, in Jin's company, he had a feeling of being hugged, even though he wasn't. He was accepted and cared for, regardless of how much or little he said, and his shitty little brother wasn't allowed to put his hands on this.
"Ah..." He rubs one eye, his smile lingering. "Sorry, it's just... I find it funny that you think you're going to win. You're on."
Seokjin
Seokjin watches a display of emotions play across Namjoon's face, finally settling on humor. It shouldn't make him feel so much better but the sight of a smile on Namjoon's face after all the fear and worry of tonight feels worth it. "And you really think I'll let myself lose?" he returns, a grin of his own forming. "Highly unlikely!"
He turns off the engine of the car and comes around the other side of the car to open the door, grabbing Namjoon's wrist. It's a comfortable, familiar touch and he's so relieved to be able to share this with Namjoon. His friend is tough but Seokjin doesn't see why that means he doesn't deserve to be cared about, handled gently just because it's nice.
"Our friendship ends on the Rainbow Road!" he declares, hurrying to his door with Namjoon in tow.